If you've ever asked a simple baby sleep question online and immediately regretted it… you're not alone.

Maybe you just wanted to know how long your baby should be awake between naps, or how to reduce night wakings — and suddenly you're caught in a heated debate about cry-it-out vs. co-sleeping, sleep training vs. “just go with the flow.”

It's overwhelming. It’s loud. And it can leave you feeling more confused than when you started.

Let’s change that.

Why baby sleep advice feels so overwhelming

The truth is, there’s no shortage of strong opinions when it comes to baby sleep. Everyone seems to have a different approach — and many believe their way is the only way.

It’s not always easy to separate fact from fear-based advice.

As a certified sleep consultant (and a mom who’s been through it myself), I know how tempting it is to dive into every blog, podcast, or Facebook thread. But the reality? That often leads to information overload, not clarity.

The resource I wish more parents knew about

That’s why I want to share a recent find — one I think more parents should know about.

This resource is a detailed, research-based overview of baby sleep, written by a third party who has no "skin in the game."
✅ It’s not from a sleep consultant.
✅ It’s not from someone who’s “anti” sleep training.
✅ It’s simply… research.

Here’s what it covers:

• What research studies are actually out there about sleep training

• Which studies are often used incorrectly to draw conclusions (even though they have nothing to do with sleep training)

• How the divide between pro- and anti-sleep training views stacks up against the actual body of available research

📌 You can read it here → Is sleep training harmful?

Let’s bring the calm back to sleep conversations

My goal has always been to help tired moms cut through the noise, find what works for their baby, and feel good about it — whether that’s sleep training, tweaking routines, or simply understanding what’s normal.

You don’t have to do this alone.
You don’t have to pick a “side.”
And you definitely don’t have to keep doom-scrolling through mom group debates.

✨ Instead? Start here — with clarity and confidence: Is sleep training harmful?

You deserve sleep advice that helps you feel informed, not overwhelmed.

Want more personalized support?

If you’ve read the research and feel ready to make changes, I’d love to support you with a step-by-step plan tailored to your baby and your values.

🩷 You can explore my 1:1 support or affordable DIY sleep shop.

If you’ve spent any time researching baby sleep, you’ve probably come across some opinions about sleep training. And let’s be honest—some of them can sound pretty extreme.

❌ “Sleep training is just ignoring your baby.”
❌ “It’s a traumatic experience.”
❌ “It’s only a thing because of modern society and the patriarchy.”

But here’s the truth: You’ve been lied to.

Let’s break down five of the biggest myths about sleep training and what you actually need to know.

 

Lie #1: What’s best for the baby is all that matters

It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that the only thing that matters is what’s “best” for the baby. But here’s the reality: What’s best for baby isn’t actually best for baby if mom is suffering.

Your physical and mental health matters too. When you’re exhausted, burned out, and struggling, that impacts your baby just as much as their sleep does. Prioritizing your well-being isn’t selfish—it’s essential.

 

Lie #2: Sleep training is just ignoring your baby’s cries

One of the biggest misconceptions is that sleep training means walking away and never looking back. But if that were true, it wouldn’t be called a sleep training method.

Sleep training is about teaching your baby independent sleep skills while still responding to them. Do the responses look different from how you’ve been handling sleep? Of course. But sleep training doesn’t mean neglect—it means helping your baby (and yourself) get the rest you need.

 

Lie #3: Sleep training is too stressful for babies

Let’s be real: Life is stressful. And while we don’t want to stress our babies unnecessarily, we also can’t protect them from every little challenge.

Learning to sleep independently might be frustrating for your child at first, but that doesn’t mean it’s harmful. Think about all the things we expect our kids to learn—using a car seat, brushing their teeth, eating solid foods. Some of these come with discomfort and pushback, but they’re still necessary skills.

 

Lie #4: Falling asleep alone is a traumatic experience

I have to tell you, as a foster parent, this lie absolutely infuriates me. Trauma is a real thing that unfortunately, many children do go through as they grow up. But I struggle not to roll my eyes when sleep training is referred to as causing trauma. 

There’s a big difference between learning something new and experiencing trauma. Falling asleep independently may be different from what your baby is used to, and they might not love the change right away. But calling it trauma? That’s a big stretch.

A well-rested baby in a loving home, learning a new skill with supportive parents? That’s not trauma—that’s growth. 

 

Lie #5: Sleep training is a product of Western ideals & the patriarchy

One argument against sleep training is that it only exists because of Western work schedules and societal pressures. And while those factors might play a role in why some parents decide to sleep train, they aren’t the only reasons.

At the end of the day, your job isn’t to fix society. Your job is to do what’s best for your family. If that means sleep training so you can function as a better parent, then that’s what you should do—regardless of what the anti-sleep training crowd says.

 

So where does that leave us?

Next time you come across anti-sleep training rhetoric on your feed, remember this:

✔️ Taking care of yourself is part of taking care of your baby.
✔️ Sleep training doesn’t mean ignoring your child.
✔️ All stress is not created equal- there is such a thing as positive stress.
✔️ Learning to sleep independently isn’t traumatic.
✔️ You don’t need to carry the weight of society’s flaws on your shoulders.

So if sleep training is the right choice for your family, go for it—guilt-free. 💛

 

 

Want to work more on your relationship with tears?

Check out my 3 Day Free Crying Challenge here and be sure to check out my other blog post (and YouTube video) about crying here. If you are ready to work with a professional to help you make sustainable sleep changes for your little one... Here is a link to my free scheduler so we can talk through your situation and see if we'd make a good fit to work together!

 

Sleep training expectations... ah, the blissful world of dreams and ideal scenarios! While it's tempting to live in a bubble of wishful thinking when it comes to baby and toddler sleep, the reality can be quite different. 🤪 If you’ve been diving into the sea of information on sleep training, you might be swimming with some lofty expectations.

Let’s set the record straight with a refreshing dose of reality—sorry, not sorry! 😅 But you’ll appreciate this tough love later, I promise. While dreaming of a perfect sleeper can be comforting, these high expectations can lead to disappointment during the sleep training process and prevent you from recognizing the progress your little one is actually making.

Let’s break down some common expectations versus the realities of baby and toddler sleep training, along with my advice to help you navigate this journey.

 

Sleep training expectation 1: It should only take about 3 nights of sleep training for all my baby’s sleep issues to be fixed.

Reality: Three nights is often not enough to resolve all sleep problems for most families.

My Advice: Approach sleep training with a two-week timeframe in mind. This duration allows you to establish a new rhythm and gives your baby the time they need to adjust to changes. Remember, consistency is key, and it might take a little longer to see significant results.

 

Sleep training expectation 2: Soon my baby will be sleeping 12-hour nights every single night!

Reality: Not all babies are capable of sleeping 12 hours straight, and that’s completely normal.

My Advice: Set a more reasonable goal of around 10 to 12 hours of sleep, depending on your baby’s age and needs. Understand that every child is different, and their sleep patterns can vary. Focus on creating a positive sleep environment, and let’s see what unfolds!

 

Sleep training expectation 3: Once I sleep train, my child will follow an exact schedule every single day.

Reality: While sleep training can help create more predictable sleep patterns, don’t expect your child to adhere to a rigid schedule.

My Advice: Keep in mind that we are raising little humans, not robots! Flexibility is essential, and small variations in sleep times are entirely normal. Embrace the ebb and flow of your child’s natural rhythm.

 

Sleep training expectation 4: If I use a really gradual sleep training method, then I won’t have to hear any crying!

Reality: Even the most gradual “no-cry” methods may involve some tears.

My Advice: Don’t fear crying—it’s a natural emotional response from your child as they adapt to sleep changes. Understand that your child is expressing their feelings, and that’s okay! Being there to support them through these emotions is crucial, and it doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong.

 

 

Ready to tackle sleep training?

With the right approach, sleep training can transform not just your baby’s sleep, but your entire family’s quality of life. If you’re ready to start on this journey and help your baby sleep soundly, check out my Sleep Coaching Crash Course For Babies! This step-by-step guide will equip you with the tools and confidence you need to navigate sleep training successfully. Let's teach your little one how to love sleep!

Let’s play a little game: 1 Truth and 1 Lie!

1. When you sleep train, your baby just learns to shut down. ❌
2. Shutdown syndrome is not real. ✅

If you’ve heard the term “shutdown syndrome,” you’re not alone. Many parents fear that sleep training will lead to their babies emotionally “shutting down.” That they'll only stop crying in their crib because they think no one is ever coming. However, I’m here to tell you that this misconception couldn’t be further from the truth!

 

Understanding sleep training

The reality is that when you sleep train, your baby isn’t “shutting down” at all. Instead, they are learning a crucial skill—how to self-settle and fall asleep independently. This process can involve tears as your baby learns this new skill, but crying is a natural part of mastering something unfamiliar. Of course they are going to have some feelings about you making sleep changes and crying is simply their way of expressing themselves. With the right approach to sleep training, you're not causing emotional harm; rather, you’re helping your baby learn how to soothe themselves in a healthy and supportive way.

 

Why shutdown syndrome is a myth

Let’s break down the idea of “shutdown syndrome” further. If this phenomenon were real, we wouldn’t observe sleep-trained babies engaging in typical behaviors like:

• Calling for their parents during the daytime: Sleep-trained babies still seek their parents when they need comfort, attention, or simply a playmate. If they were truly “shut down,” they wouldn’t signal for their parents at all.
• Waking and signaling for necessary night feeds: Many sleep-trained infants still wake during the night for feeds when needed. If they had given up hope that their cries would elicit a response, they would likely stop communicating their needs altogether.
• Experiencing sleep regressions: Sleep regressions are a common part of a baby’s development. They may struggle to fall asleep and stay asleep during growth spurts or developmental milestones, but this behavior shows that they are still very much engaged with their surroundings and learning.

In fact, any mom of a sleep-trained child will attest that the scenarios mentioned above continue to occur even after successful sleep training! This demonstrates that the emotional connection between parent and child remains intact and that the baby is not shutting down but rather developing autonomy. For more nerdy science and research about sleep training, check out this blog where I cite several sources.

 

The benefits of sleep training

Instead of worrying about “shutdown syndrome,” focus on the incredible gift you’re giving your baby: the ability to regulate their own sleep! This skill will not only help them sleep better but also contribute to their overall emotional well-being as they grow.

Sleep training can feel daunting at first, but with the right tools and mindset, it becomes a positive experience for both you and your baby. They will learn that it's okay to express their feelings while also mastering the skills needed to fall asleep independently.

 

Ready to get started?

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by the idea of sleep training, fear not! My Sleep Coaching Crash Course For Babies is designed to provide you with straightforward, effective strategies to help you navigate this process confidently. Together, we’ll make sleep training a positive experience for both you and your little one, setting the foundation for healthier sleep habits that last a lifetime. 

Remember, your baby’s sleep journey is a learning experience for both of you, and with the right support, you can help them thrive!

 

Want to work more on your relationship with tears?

Check out my 3 Day Free Crying Challenge here and be sure to check out my other blog post (and YouTube video) about crying here. If you are ready to work with a professional to help you make sustainable sleep changes for your little one... Here is a link to my scheduler so we can talk through your situation and see if we'd make a good fit to work together!

 

"Won't sleep training hurt my attachment?" This is a very common misconception about sleep training so I'm happy to clear it up and provide specific research.

 

First things first, from the research we have on sleep training, there have been NO negative effects on attachment found. Could we do with more research? Always!

Now, let’s dig into the research that we do have:

 

Attachment & sleep training research article #1

In 2016, Gradisar used a randomized controlled trial to study the effects of sleep training. Researchers followed up with families 1 year after sleep training to gather data. No significant differences were found in attachment between the children who were sleep trained and the children who weren’t sleep trained.

 

Attachment & sleep training research article #2

In 2012, Price used a randomized controlled trial as well. Follow up was conducted with families 5 years after sleep training. Again, no significant differences were found in parent-child relationships between the children who were sleep trained and the children who weren’t sleep trained.

 

Attachment & sleep training research article #3

Another randomized controlled trial conducted in 2004 by Eckerberg found that before sleep training, the sleep-disturbed children were rated as *more* insecure than a matched comparison group with unknown sleep behavior. This difference was eliminated after the sleep training interventions. Therefore, infant attachment and security seemed to *increase* after sleep training.

 

Attachment & sleep training research article #4

Jodi Mindell, a leader in the field of sleep training and psychology, reviewed 13 different studies on behavioral intervention for issues in 2006. Here is a direct quote from her research:

“Adverse secondary effects as the result of participating in behaviorally based sleep programs were not identified in any of the studies. On the contrary, infants who participated in sleep interventions were found to be more secure, predictable, less irritable, and to cry and fuss less following treatment.”

 

Attachment & sleep training research summary

Main things I want to point out from the research noted above:

 

→Randomized controlled trials (RCT) are the gold standard in research. Gradisar, Price and Eckerberg are all RCTs.

→When comparing those who were sleep trained with those who were not, we find no differences in long term attachment outcomes.

→In fact, a review of several studies actually shows a positive effect on attachment!

 

But what about the cortisol study? I’m so glad you asked! Let’s take a look…

 

Middlemiss attachment & sleep training research

In 2012 Middlemiss conducted a study measuring cortisol during the sleep training process. Cortisol is the stress hormone that our bodies produce. Babies were sleep trained in a hospital setting by nurses. Both mom and baby’s cortisol levels were measured on days 1 and 3. Mom and baby’s cortisol levels were correlated on day 1 but not on day 3. From this, they theorized that mother’s and infant’s cortisol levels were not in sync which could mean a weakening in their attachment…

 

However, there are many issues with this Middlemiss study:

→There was no control group to compare the data to.

→There is a significant lack of data that was collected. Why were cortisol levels only recorded on days 1 and 3? Why not day 5 (as the study was still being conducted at that point)?

→Not only was there a lack of data, we also have to grapple with the fact that these babies were not in their usual, safe environment and they were sleep trained by complete strangers. Comparing this clinical setting to sleep training at home with a trusted caregiver is like comparing apples to oranges.

→Finally, the cortisol results are not indicative of harm. Mother and baby’s cortisol levels being out of sync does not mean that attachment has been harmed. There is zero research to back up this claim.

 

Bottom line is... there is no research that shows sleep training harms attachment. On the contrary, we have some research to show it can improve attachment!

 

As always, sleep training is a very family-dependent decision and no one outside of your immediate family should be pressuring or making that decision for you. If you choose to sleep train, great! If you choose not to sleep train, also great! Neither way is right or wrong. 

 

 

Ready to tackle your current sleep issues? I'm here to offer a solution. 

Look no further than my affordable Classic Consultation:

With the Classic Consultation you can get accessible sleep help to confidently sleep train without all the second guessing! Imagine doing your bedtime routine, kissing your baby goodnight, walking out of the room + knowing that your baby will sleep long stretches at night and both of you will wake up feeling refreshed!

 

So if you're ready to stop feeling stuck, it's time to own your hard, commit to change & better sleep, and head over to check out the Classic Consultation today: https://allthesleeps.com/sleep-plan

Are you a parent wondering about the best age to start sleep training your baby? It's a common concern that plagues many parents, but the answer may be simpler than you think. Let's delve into this often debated topic and shed some light on the best age to embark on the journey of sleep training.

Many parents express concerns about the ideal time to begin sleep training. Here are some common worries:

• 'If we don't sleep train by 6 months, will they always be a poor sleeper?'
• 'Won't my baby just have night wakings forever if I don't do Cry-It-Out (CIO) by 12 months?'
• 'Surely my child can't learn better sleep habits at 4 years of age...'

The reassuring answer to all of these concerns is a resounding "No!"

The truth is, there's no one-size-fits-all magical age for sleep training.

 

The best age to sleep train: when sleep is no longer sustainable

The magical age to start sleep training is simply when your current approach to sleep is no longer sustainable for your family. It's that straightforward! There's no ticking clock, no looming deadline, and you're definitely not screwed if you don't sleep train by {insert age here}!

 

The best age to sleep train: focus on what matters most

Instead of fixating on age, it's more crucial to consider three essential factors:

1. Your Child: Is your child getting the rest they need? Are they generally happy and thriving? The well-being of your little one is paramount.
2. You: Are you coping well with your current sleep situation, or do you desperately need more sleep to function and thrive as a parent? Your well-being matters too. Sometimes moms need this extra reminder too: If the sleep situation is not what's best for YOU, then it's not best for your baby either. Don't let guilt hold you back from being the best parent you can be.
3. Your Family: Are your other children feeling neglected as you cater to one child's sleep habits? Stuck contact napping all day while your toddler spends hours on the tablet? Or are you and your partner struggling to find time to connect and support each other? Is your family thriving, or are you just barely keeping your heads above water?

Take your answers to these questions and use them as your guide to determine if you're ready to start sleep training.

 

The best age to sleep train: more than just CIO

It's important to note that sleep training doesn't automatically mean implementing the Cry-It-Out (CIO) method. It doesn't even necessarily entail promoting independent sleep. What it does mean is that you are making changes to your current sleep routines in favor of more sustainable sleep habits that work for your family. The end goal of sleep training varies from one family to another. And that's okay!

 

By addressing these key considerations, you can make an informed decision about the best age to start sleep training for your child. Remember, there's no magical age, but there is a right time for your unique family. Prioritize your child's well-being, your own, and the harmony of your family when making this important decision.

For more expert advice on baby sleep and sleep training, keep exploring this blog. As a mom of 2 and pediatric sleep consultant, I'm here to support you on your parenting journey.

Yup, I'm saying it. Drowsy but awake doesn't work for most families. 🤷‍♀️

 

Right off the bat I know that there will be someone commenting that they successfully implemented drowsy but awake - and I'm happy for them! But after talking with thousands of parents, I can tell you it does NOT work for most little ones.

 

Let me explain why first:

 

Reason #1 drowsy but awake doesn't work:

Getting a baby drowsy and then transferring them to their sleep space is no easy feat! Most little ones will pop right awake and then lucky you! You get to start the whole ordeal all over again. How fun (not)!

 

Reason #2 drowsy but awake doesn't work:

I've also noticed that when repeated unsuccessful transfers happen, the child starts to anticipate and fight drowsiness. They are making the connection that once they let go and relax, you will set them down. They don't want this so they resist sleep even more. The opposite of what we want! 

 

Reason #3 drowsy but awake doesn't work:

The other issue with drowsy but awake is that it often doesn't fix the root problem. Maybe you can lay your little one down drowsy but does it help with frequent night wakings, early mornings, and short naps? Probably not. Your child will still need you to come get them to a drowsy state before they'll go back down.

 

Reason #4 drowsy but awake doesn't work:

Using drowsy but awake becomes less and less effective with age and alertness. It *can* be helpful in the newborn stage but after that it becomes more elusive. And eventually your baby becomes a toddler who becomes a preschooler and along the way it just stops working. These older kids will especially fight falling asleep because they are smart and if they decide they don't want to sleep, they know how to resist and stall.

 

Reason #5 drowsy but awake doesn't work:

Lastly, drowsy but awake is honestly just impossible to gauge! Seriously, what does it mean? What does it look like? I'd probably get 50 different answers if I asked this question. It's very very subjective which makes it difficult to use and implement.

 

 

So what do I recommend instead? Laying down *fully* awake!

 

Besides the fact that it's just way easier to even know what 'awake' means and looks like, there are several other reasons why it just makes sense- especially if you're struggling in the sleep department!

 

Reason #1 to lay down fully awake

It keeps your child from being jolted awake in a new place. Aka, it’s not a bait and switch. Imagine falling asleep in your bed and waking up on the kitchen floor... yikes! That's often how our children feel when we snuggle them to sleep and then they wake up all alone. This is really jarring and can make it even harder for them to fall back asleep.

 

Reason #2 to lay down fully awake

It gives your child the tools to connect their own sleep cycles. Listen up, we ALL have biologically normal night wakings. ALL of us! As adults, we've had lots of practice falling right back asleep when we wake. But our children may not have the tools to fall back asleep without signaling for help. By laying them down awake we are giving them the opportunity to hone these skills. This makes a HUGE difference when it comes to false starts at bedtime, unnecessary night wakings, early morning wake ups, and short naps.

 

Reason #3 to lay down fully awake

Getting drowsy becomes less effective over time. As children grow and develop, they can become harder to settle and put to sleep. It's also not unusual for your presence to become too stimulating for the process of falling asleep. A child who is resisting your help and fighting sleep is another reason to work on laying them down awake. If your “help” isn’t actually helping them, then maybe they are signaling to you that what you’re trying is not actually helpful.

 

 

As far as logistics go...

✨I recommend making sure baby is fully awake during the entire bedtime routine

✨Then lay them down at the right time and in the right sleep environment

✨Have a sleep coaching method you feel comfortable with and apply it while they adjust to the change!

 

Need a little more help navigating this recommendation?

First up, let me introduce you to my Sleep Coaching Crash Course For Babies. It's an affordable sleep course for overwhelmed moms who want to stop *stressing* about sleep and actually start sleeping again. This course is an online, self-paced course that teaches you all about how to sleep coach (and lay down awake) in the crib. It sets up a day-by-day plan for teaching independent sleep so you can stop second-guessing yourself every step of the way. This course is specifically geared towards 4-24 months. It's like having a trusted sleep expert right by your side.

 

Now, you might be thinking, I can purchase a course but will I actually have the confidence and motivation to follow through with it? If you feel like you'd benefit from more accountability and 1:1 support, that's where my 1:1 Consultations come in. These are designed specifically to give your the clear plan & calm support that you need as we work towards better sleep for your little one. I provide 3 different levels of phone & email support so you can choose the option that makes the most sense for your unique family. These consultations are a game-changer, trust me!

 

If you've done any searching about baby sleep and sleep training, no doubt you've come across the anti sleep training community. It can be so confusing and conflicting to read all the different opinions out there.

I don't feel it's my job to convince anyone of what route they should take with their babies BUT I do talk to a lot of parents on a weekly basis. And the thing that breaks my heart is the number of moms I talk to who are drowning in sleeplessness and feeling absolutely helpless. They are paralyzed by fear that they will do their baby irreparable harm but at the same time they desperately need something to change because they can feel themselves sinking.

That's why I decided to put this post together. There are many things that I believe the anti sleep training community gets woefully wrong.

 

#1 thing the anti sleep training community gets wrong

The well being of mom and baby are connected.

What's best for baby isn't really best for baby if mom is suffering. The two are a pair. Prioritizing the physical and mental health of mom is what's best for the baby too. We can't advocate for what's best for the baby ONLY. Apart from the mental health aspect of things, a rested mom is also more readily available and attuned to her child. And we know that a secure attachment has everything to do with being a warm, loving, and emotionally available parent and nothing to do with cosleeping, breastfeeding, and anti-sleep training ideologies. 

 

#2 thing the anti sleep training community gets wrong

Sleep training is responsive.

Have you ever heard of a sleep training method?! Yeah, it's called a method because you *do* something. And that *doing* is responding to your baby. Now, your responses look different than usual of course. And the goal of responding is not just to hush up the baby. But that's not a bad thing- especially if the way you've been responding is not working for the mother/baby pair anymore. See this blog post for my breakdown of the various sleep coaching methods out there.

 

#3 thing the anti sleep training community gets wrong

Everyone faces challenges and stressors in life.

This idea that we must protect our little ones from every feeling stress or discomfort is, quite honestly, ridiculous. Now, is this a reason to stress your baby out unnecessarily? Of course not. But life isn't perfect and sometimes it's about choosing which stressors your child will be exposed to. If you're looking for the magical pathway that includes zero stress for your baby, you're not gonna find it. And honestly? I don't think you'd be doing your child any favors if you could.

I would even argue that providing opportunities for discomfort and stress when you can be there to scaffold for your baby is a great way to work on resiliency.

 

#4 thing the anti sleep training community gets wrong

Falling asleep alone doesn't have to be a traumatic experience.

This is building upon the previous point but we have to stop catastrophizing the act of sleep training.  Will sleep training be a different? Yes. A frustrating experience? Sure. But a traumatic experience? To learn something new in the safety of your loving home? No. That's a projection of our issues onto our babies.

As a foster mom, this one really gets me riled up because I know what actual traumatic experiences babies and young kids go through and sleep training with a caring parent is just not it.

 

#5 thing the anti sleep training community gets wrong

It's not up to you to solve society's problems.

Seriously. So often I see anti-sleep training accounts spout off about how people only want to sleep train because we don't have good enough parental leave and society dictates that we get up and go to work 5 days a week, and blah blah blah. These things may (or may not) play a role in your decision to sleep train, but it's not your job to fix society. At least not right now while you're in the trenches.

 

I often wonder if the anti-sleep training community realizes that, in their efforts to rage against sleep training (all in the name of infant mental health), they are shaming and jeopardizing the mental health of so many moms out there. And to bring this post full circle: hurting moms' mental health is going to have a trickle down effect on baby too.

 

For more help with your child's sleep, check out my Everything Page. Here I offer freebies, courses, and 1:1 services for each age group!

We've all heard this piece of advice before, "Never wake a sleeping baby!" and as a sleep consultant I've gotten appalled looks when I confess you actually SHOULD wake a sleeping baby sometimes. I thought it'd be helpful to lay out all the reasons and situations where waking a sleeping baby is the right move. Keep reading to find out 4 times you should wake a sleeping baby.

 

Time #1 you should wake a sleeping baby: When you have a newborn sleeping long stretches during the day but not at night

Maybe you have a newborn who is up hourly at night but then daytime comes and they will sleep these big long stretches. Yikes! That's the opposite of what we want!

With newborns, this is usually due to the fact that their circadian rhythm hasn't yet developed (this starts happening around 8-12 weeks) and therefore they really have no clue what's day and what's night. To help them figure this out, our biggest tool is... you guessed it- waking them up during the day!

Daytime naps should be limited to 2 hours during the newborn phase and then baby needs to be woken up, fed, and kept awake for at least a short period of time before you let them fall back asleep. This will be hard work at first but totally worth the extra effort in the end, I promise.

Really struggling with your newborn's sleep? Check out my newborn sleep resources here.

 

Time #2 you should wake a sleeping baby: When your baby is sleeping crappy at night and then making up for it during the day with long, luxurious naps

Similar to #1, but this also applies to babies and toddlers. If they aren't getting good quality night sleep, they may try to make up for it by sleeping A LOT during the day. And if we aren't willing to wake them from naps, it will be really hard to break out of this cycle.

So first order of business is to start capping some those daytime naps so that they can build sleep pressure to sleep more during the night. This will also help you fit in necessary daytime feedings so that nighttime isn't when the bulk of their calories is happening. Download my free nap guide for more details on age-appropriate wake windows and how much daytime sleep is actually necessary.

After you start to shorten their daytime sleep, if you are still struggling with crappy nights, it's time to get to the root issue. Are they sleeping poorly at night because they haven't learned how to regulate their own sleep yet? Is the help you provide to get them to sleep actually hindering their sleep because they can't recreate it?

If you're thinking sleep coaching is the next step, check out my Sleep Coaching Crash Course For Babies- the affordable sleep course for tired moms who just want to stop stressing about sleep!

 

Time #3 you should wake a sleeping baby: When you need to stabilize the schedule

If you have a child who will wake up super late in the morning (8am or later) and then it throws your whole day off, then waking them in the morning to start their day is necessary. 

Not only does have a consistent morning wake up time help you plan your day, it also helps their internal body clock to have that consistency day in and day out.

I always recommend having a 30 minute wake up range that you follow each and everyday. That could mean 6-6:30am or 6:30-7am, or 7:30-8am- you decide what works best for your family and your child. But then following that wake up range means you don't start your child's day before the early time and you wake them up if they are still sleeping at the later time.

If you have a child who is sleeping in late in the morning and it's making naps difficult and pushing bedtime way later than you'd like, then it absolutely makes sense to wake that sleeping baby!

 

Time #4 you should wake a sleeping baby: When you are close to a nap transition but not quite there yet

Over the course of your child's life you'll go through several nap transitions. These can be tricky but the key to making them successful is that you don't want to rush into them. The longer you can hold them off, the smoother they will go.

That's where waking a sleeping baby comes into play. Maybe you have a champion napper (which is great!) but now you're struggling to fit in that 3rd nap and it's really throwing a wrench in the schedule. You know that your child isn't really ready for a 2 nap schedule yet because they can't last 3 hours in between naps but you also can't seem to fit all three naps plus 4 wake windows in AND have bedtime not be ridiculously late.

It's okay to cap some of your baby's naps in order to make this 3 nap schedule work a little longer until they are more ready for the transition. Sit down and do some quick math. Count backward from your ideal bedtime and figure out what time you need to wake your child from each nap in order to fit everything in. Then take a deep breath and go for it!

Oh, I also get asked this question a lot when it comes to micromanaging a nap schedule like this: "Will this discourage my baby from taking longer naps when they do transition to less naps?" And the answer is no! You won't get your baby *stuck* at shorter naps by waking them now for a period of time.

Already stressing about future nap transition? Check out my Nap Transition Guide which walks you through everything you need to know for all the major nap transitions.

 

 

For more help with your child's sleep, Everything Page. Here I offer freebies, courses, and 1:1 services for each age group!

Is baby sleep developmental? How do we respond to people who claim baby sleep is developmental? This was a recent question in my DMs and I realized I needed more space to unpack this question! This blog will walk through this popular question and the many different rabbit holes that correspond to answering it.

 

First we have to get clear about what is actually being claimed with this statement: Baby sleep is developmental. Is the person saying baby sleep patterns and needs develop and change as your child ages? Or are they trying to say that baby sleep is a developmental milestone so you can’t “rush” it? These are 2 very different questions with very different answers. Next time someone claims baby sleep is developmental- ask them what exactly they mean by that. You may find you agree with them!

 

To address the first possible meaning of this claim, let’s dig in!

 

Sleep is developmental- Sleep needs and patterns change as your child grows and develops.

 

This is TRUE! ⤴

Of course our children’s sleep needs change over time! We see the total amount of sleep our children need decreasing slowly over the months and years. Your child will go through 4 major nap transitions in their life as a result of these changing needs and we see the number of daily naps decreasing until they’re gone around the age of 3-5 years. Along with that we see night sleep consolidating more over the first few months of life. 

 

As far as development goes, your child will go through the 4 month sleep regression (sometime between 3 and 5 months) and this marks a permanent maturing of their sleep cycles. This is the point where your baby’s sleep changes from newborn sleep to adult-like sleep. Their sleep is now comprised of 5 different stages and they can spend more of their sleep in a lighter stage than before. This increases their chances of waking more frequently, maybe even every 45 minutes overnight and during naps!

 

For more info about this regression, check out this blog about preparing for it and this blog for my list of dos and don’ts. 

 

Sleep is a developmental milestone- Your child will fall asleep without help when they are developmentally ready. You can’t teach this skill.

This is FALSE! ⤴

 

With this claim, you’ll often see people compare the skill of walking to better baby sleep. “You can try and practice walking as much as you want, but you can’t teach a young baby to walk before they are developmentally ready. Same thing with sleep.”

 

Unfortunately this is a terrible comparison for so many reasons.

 

If they are trying to claim that sleep (falling asleep with less help and just better sleep in general) is a developmental milestone like walking and talking, unfortunately, that doesn't really hold up to much push back. With developmental milestones (walking, talking, rolling, sitting, etc.) we see children achieving these right around the same age. Not at the exact same age of course but we have certain parameters in place and if you've got an 18 month old who still isn't walking, you have cause for concern and know that your child needs more support from a professional.

 

When looking at sleep, we have newborns who are able to put themselves to sleep successfully and we have 5 year olds who still can't. That is HUGE variability and not what we would expect to see if sleep was truly a developmental milestone.

 

Also worthy of note, if sleep was a developmental milestone, then we would NOT be able to train a child to fall asleep on their own before they reached this "magical" age- whatever that age is. Just like you can't teach a 6 month old to walk no matter how hard you try, you also wouldn't be able to teach a baby to fall asleep on their own before this "magical age." And yet, the research shows time and again that sleep training is extremely effective and beneficial.

 

Now, are there aspects of sleep that are affected by development? Of course! Newborn sleep is very different from 4+ month old sleep (as mentioned above). Sleep is bound to be disrupted by the development of object permanence (hello separation anxiety!), limit testing, imagination and night time fears. Not to mention the effect that new motor skills have on sleep.

 

But that does not mean that we can’t support our babies on a path to better sleep or that they are incapable of falling asleep without outside help.

 

Sleeping through the night is a developmental milestone- Your child will sleep through when they are developmentally ready.

 

This one is TRUE and FALSE! ⤴

 

I 100% agree that we cannot expect newborns to go 12 hours without a feed (although many do). And a 12 month old feeding every 2 hours at night is not what we would expect either.

 

Decreasing night feeds IS something that comes with age and efficiency of feeding. I find after years of working with families that after the age of 6 months we can start actively working towards zero night feeds (as long as the pediatrician agrees, solids are being established, and there are no weight gain/feeding issues). But obviously we would not expect or push a newborn to sleep 12 hours without a feed (although if yours naturally does this- count yourself lucky)!

 

However, people who make the above claim often forget that just because a child wakes and feeds at night it does not mean that feed is nutritionally necessary.

 

The elusive “sleeping through the night” is a misnomer anyways- nobody sleeps through the night without brief awakenings! We are all designed to briefly wake at night between sleep cycles, assess our surroundings, and then fall back asleep if all is well.

 

But if your baby is used to being helped to sleep, they are having these wakings and realizing things are NOT ok. They’re all alone and that is not how they initially fell asleep. Or they no longer have a bottle or breast in their mouth like they did the last time they were awake.

 

When we build these habits in, night after night, that teach our children they need something outside of themselves to go back to sleep, is it any wonder they keep waking? Research shows us that babies who are put down already asleep are more likely to need help to go back to sleep in the night than babies who are put down awake and fall asleep themselves. If we aren’t giving them the tools to regulate their own sleep, then it will be quite a while until they start to “sleep through the night.” This doesn’t make “sleeping through the night” a developmental milestone. It makes it a skill set.

 

Bottom line is this: 

There is no magical time when your child will start sleeping through the night or is suddenly ready to fall asleep without your help…. If you’re waiting for that “developmental milestone” to occur, you may be waiting for a loooong time. 

 

Instead, falling asleep independently and sleeping longer stretches at night is often a direct result of building more sustainable sleep habits for your child.

 

In my professional experience (working with 5 year olds who have never slept independently before working with me), parents tell me they kept waiting for their child to just “figure it out” but the habits they had spent years building (laying with, nursing to sleep, rocking, etc.) were keeping that from happening. They wished they had addressed sleep issues sooner instead of subjecting their family to years of sleeplessness waiting for this non-existent developmental milestone.

 

 

Feeling overwhelmed?

If you feel like you might be ready to start making sleep changes but you're feeling really overwhelmed about where you can even begin... Here is a link to my scheduler so we can talk through your situation and see if we'd make a good fit to work together.

 

 

For baby-proofing tips, see this post that I helped contribute to.