Hey there, toddler moms! Let’s have some real talk about toddler bedtime routines...

We all know that bedtime can be a struggle. There are a million reasons your little one might resist sleep, but I’m here to share one super simple tip that could make a huge difference in your toddler's bedtime routine. Are you ready for it?

Have a set number of books that you read each night before bed.

Now, that number can be anywhere from 1 to 20—it really doesn’t matter! (although you do want to make sure it's a number of books that you are perfectly okay with reading every. single. night.) What’s crucial is that you stick to that number consistently night after night. This simple act helps your toddler see and understand your bedtime boundaries, making the transition to sleep smoother for everyone involved.

 

Why consistency matters for toddler bedtime routines

So, why do families who follow this simple tip tend to have more success at bedtime? Great question! 🤷🏻‍♀️

1. They aren’t afraid to say no:
   When you establish a set number of bedtime stories, you empower yourself to say no to those last-minute requests for “just one more book.” Sure, it might come with some protests or tears, but by standing firm, you reinforce the boundaries you've set.
2. Reduces testing behavior:
   Consistent boundaries help prevent your toddler from getting stuck in testing mode. If they know there’s a set number of books every night, they won’t feel the need to constantly push limits, thinking they might get lucky and convince you to read more. When children are conditioned to test boundaries repeatedly, it can lead to frustration for both them and you. By being clear and consistent, you help your toddler understand that bedtime is a process with defined limits.

 

Building a foundation of calm and clear boundaries for toddler bedtime routines

Having a foundation of clear, consistent, and calm boundaries is hugely important—especially if you’re struggling at bedtime. Implementing this one simple tip about reading a set number of books can be an effective way to start building that foundation.

With your toddler knowing exactly what to expect each night, you can help them feel secure and relaxed, making the transition to sleep much easier.

 

Need extra support?

If you’re looking for additional tips and resources to tackle bedtime struggles, I’m here to help! Check out my Toddler & Preschooler Sleep Resources here and find my various free and paid resources designed specifically for children aged 2 to 5. Together, we can sort out those sleep woes and get your family back on track for peaceful nights! 

 

 

 

As parents, we often find ourselves on autopilot during the evening routine, and sometimes our words slip out without much thought. One phrase that many parents commonly use is, “It’s dark outside, so it’s time for bed.” While it might seem like a convenient explanation in the moment, I’m here to tell you why this approach can create more challenges than solutions—especially as we transition into those long summer days.

 

The problem with associating bedtime with darkness

With the days getting shorter and darker earlier, particularly as the end of daylight savings time approaches, it's tempting to rely on the absence of sunlight as a cue for bedtime. However, this logic can backfire spectacularly come spring and summer when it stays bright outside until almost 9 PM! Imagine your toddler, who has internalized the idea that bedtime is directly linked to darkness, suddenly pushing back against the notion of going to bed while the sun is still shining. This can lead to a long, drawn-out struggle that neither you nor your child wants.

Instead of saying, “It’s dark outside, so it’s bedtime,” try using a more consistent cue: “According to the clock, it’s bedtime.” This way, you’re grounding bedtime in something constant and reliable, rather than something that changes with the seasons.

 

Setting firm boundaries

Another important aspect of establishing bedtime is shifting away from the mindset of needing to “convince” your child that it’s time to sleep. Think about it this way: when it’s time to buckle them into their car seat, you don’t engage in a negotiation. You calmly say, “It’s time to buckle up,” and if they resist, you hold the boundary. The same goes for turning off screen time; you simply state that tablet time is over and follow through.

When we approach bedtime with uncertainty or a desire to persuade, we can inadvertently undermine our authority and create more pushback rather than less. Instead of feeling like you need to convince your toddler that bedtime is necessary, present it as a straightforward fact. This shift in language can help you reclaim your confidence as the parent and leader of your household.

 

Save yourself the headache

So, as we settle into this colder, darker season, I encourage you to rethink how you frame bedtime for your toddler. By focusing on consistent cues like the clock, rather than the setting sun, you can establish a smoother, more predictable bedtime routine. This small change could save you from a world of frustration in 6-9 months!

Trust me, I’ve seen this mistake made time and time again—myself included! But with this quick tip, you can confidently set boundaries and make bedtime a smoother experience for everyone involved. Here’s to peaceful nights and a little less drama come summer!

 

Feeling like you've lost all control at bedtime?

I can help you become the calm, confident leader that your child needs at sleep time. Check out my Toddler & Preschooler Sleep Resources. If you are ready to work with a professional to help you stop second-guessing and to hold you accountable... Here is a link to my scheduler so we can talk through your situation and see if we'd make a good fit to work together. If you are a past client or student, schedule your troubleshooting call here instead!

 

I made a big sleep mistake with my kids over the weekend…

I threatened an early bedtime because I was frustrated.

It was Saturday afternoon, and my boys had spent the previous night at their grandparents' house. They’d stayed up late, had a full day, and by the afternoon, they were constantly bickering. I knew they were tired, and that was why they were acting out, but my frustration got the best of me. I told them that if they couldn’t get their act together, they would go to bed early when we got home.

It’s not the end of the world, of course, but I also knew this was not the message I wanted to send my children.

 

The problem with using bedtime as a punishment

When you threaten an early bedtime, you’re sending a message to your child that bedtime is a punishment for bad behavior. This becomes a bigger problem if you’re already experiencing resistance at sleep time. Of course, your child is going to push back if they associate sleep with being punished.

Children naturally want to avoid things that feel unpleasant, so if sleep is linked with negative emotions, they’ll resist. It’s no wonder some children don’t like bedtime if they think it’s a consequence for acting out!

 

So, what should you do instead?

If you need to set consequences for bad behavior, choose something unrelated to sleep. Maybe it’s less screen time, missing out on a favorite activity, or another logical consequence, but keep sleep off the table.

If your child really needs an early bedtime because they’re overtired, just treat it like a normal bedtime. Don’t mention that it’s early, and if they can tell time, don’t link the earlier bedtime to their behavior.

 

Other things that put a negative spin on sleep

Maybe you’ve never fallen into that trap of threatening an early bedtime but there still could be other ways in which you are unintentionally turning bedtime into a negative experience. Using the bedroom as a time-out spot, expressing frustration and anxiety at bedtime, losing your cool night after night and yelling, and even bribing or negotiating are all common things I see in families struggling with sleep. And I get it! It can be so frustrating trying to get a tired child to just go to sleep and stay asleep!

But can I tell you a secret?

If you go into bedtime with bribes, of course your child is going to expect more and more each night.

If you go into bedtime making threats, of course your child is going to have negative feelings about sleep time.

If you go into bedtime and they have lingering feelings from time out earlier that day, of course they are going to wonder if they are still being punished by being left in their room.

If you go into bedtime and seem anxious, frustrated, or out of control, they are going to mirror those emotions and not feel safe to succumb to sleep.

 

How to make sleep a positive experience

It’s possible to change the way your child feels about sleep and bedtime. Here are a few ways to make sleep seem like a good thing to your toddler instead of something to avoid:

Avoid saying things like:

• "If you can’t calm down, we won’t read any books at bedtime."
• "I’m putting you in time-out. Go to your room."
• "If you keep acting like this, you will go to bed early tonight."

Using these phrases can make sleep and being alone in their room feel like a punishment. If we use these tactics, it’s no wonder they’re resisting bedtime!

Instead, try this:

• Keep a consistent, predictable bedtime routine, even if your child is acting up.
• Stay cool and calm as you continue to move through the bedtime routine. Don’t allow stalling. I encourage parents to think of themselves as a metronome during the routine, keep things moving along at just the right pace and stay in control of the situation.
• Spend time hanging out and playing in their room so it becomes a positive space.
• Stick to a regular bedtime, and don’t let it be determined by their behavior.

By showing your child that sleep and being alone in their room is a normal, positive part of daily life, you’ll foster a healthier relationship with sleep. Download my free guide to help get your child on your team at bedtime here.

 

Breaking the habit of using sleep as a punishment is tough, but it can make a world of difference in how your child views bedtime. Which of these challenges resonate with you? Have you tried any strategies to make sleep more appealing to your child? Let me know your thoughts, and remember, if you’re struggling with your child’s sleep, I’m here to help!

To bedtime snack or not to bedtime snack, that is the question. Here are some bedtime snack tips that I’ve put together with Alyssa, the dietitian behind nutritionforlittles.com. 

 

Bedtime snack for toddlers tip #1

If you offer a bedtime snack, it should be offered consistently as a “built in” part of your nightly routine. Bedtime snacks can be a great thing but we don’t want to only offer it if they don’t eat well at dinner. We get to decide the “when” of eating which means we set the schedule. 

So we assess our kids' current eating and what hunger cues we see and decide on what works best for them and the family as a whole. Then if a bedtime snack makes sense, offer it! But choose to offer it consistently, independently of how you think they ate the meal before.

If they seem to be skipping dinner frequently or needing another opportunity to eat then a bedtime snack might be a good idea or at the very least changing what time dinner is offered.

 

Bedtime snack for toddlers tip #2

Have a set time that the bedtime snack is offered and a set time that bedtime snack is over. This ensures that your child is not able to use the bedtime snack as a stalling tactic at bedtime. Kids can be really good at pinpointing the weaknesses in our boundaries around sleep so it’s best to find the ideal time you offer a bedtime snack and the ideal time to end it (even if your child hasn’t finished eating).

This might look like offering a bedtime snack during a bedtime story. Then once the story is over, snacktime is over too.

Or maybe a bedtime snack is the very first step you offer before you head upstairs to start the bedtime routine. Set a 5-10 minute timer at the start of snack and then when the timer goes off, it’s time to head upstairs and start brushing teeth.

When it comes to toddler and preschooler bedtimes, remember, YOU are the parent and you are allowed to set and hold boundaries that are in the family’s best interest. 

 

Bedtime snack for toddlers tip #3

Keep it boring. Whatever you offer, it shouldn’t be the pinnacle of daytime eating. We don’t want to incentivize skipping dinner and we definitely don’t want to get them all hyped up right before wind down. If your child isn’t interested in the boring snack option, then they probably aren’t that hungry and you can move onto the next step of your nightly routine.

When building your bedtime snack plate be sure to keep it balanced, offer some protein, fiber (not too much though) and fat to keep them satisfied and full for a good night of sleep.

 

Let's talk some bedtime snack ideas next! When offering a bedtime snack we want to consider offering a complex carb option with a side of protein like:

→toast and nut butter

→banana and a cup of whole milk

→cheese sticks and crackers

 

Dairy also contains tryptophan which is a precursor to serotonin and serotonin is a precursor to melatonin (our sleepy hormone) so it can be a great option.

Foods to avoid before bedtime would be anything containing high sugar, high fiber, and/or caffeine as these can delay and interrupt sleep.

 

Last thing I want to say... if you're struggling with bedtime right now, it could be that your issue goes much deeper than whether to bedtime snack or not. So I wanted to take a moment to share some valuable resources that can support you during this time. I've got you covered!

 

First up, let me introduce you to my Sleep Coaching Crash Course For Little Kids. It's my affordable sleep course for overwhelmed moms who want to end the bedtime battles. It's a comprehensive resource that provides practical tips, guidance, and strategies to foster a healthy relationship with sleep for your child. 

 

Now, you might be wondering, what if your little one was previously a fantastic sleeper but is now experiencing sleep difficulties out of nowhere? That's where my Toddler Sleep Reset comes in. Designed specifically for parents of previously good sleepers, this workshop addresses the unique challenges that arise during toddlerhood. You'll learn proven strategies to help your little one maintain healthy sleep habits and overcome any hurdles that may arise so you can get your good sleeper back. It's a game-changer, trust me!

 

 

If you’re a parent, you either know the feeling of being the preferred parent and then only one who can put your child to bed…. Or you know the feeling of being the non-preferred parent and therefore unable to help much at bedtime. Honestly, both of these feelings suck.

 

The preferred parent gets touched out and worn out from the constant parenting and can feel resentful toward their partner. The non-preferred parent gets hurt feelings from being “unwanted” by the child and can feel helpless to do anything to assist the preferred parent.

 

It’s not a fun place to be but unfortunately, it comes and goes over the years with our children as they grow and develop. However, when it comes to sleep routines and responses, I’ve got several tips no matter the age of your child to help you teach them flexibility.

 

Parental preference tip #1

Start at the beginning. Expose your newborn to both parents getting them ready for bed, helping them fall asleep, and soothing in the middle of the night. Try not to lean too heavily on one parent or the other. (And yes, even the non-nursing parent can be helpful during night wakings).

 

This not only helps your child get used to different modes and ways of being soothed, but it also gives both parents equal practice at soothing so that they can build their confidence. Nothing is worse than trying to soothe a crying baby in the middle of the night when you’ve rarely had any practice.

 

The biggest hiccup parents face when trying to build this exposure in is that they are looking for the quick fix. So one parent may be able to soothe the child quicker than the other and that parent ends up becoming the default parent for night wakings and settling to sleep. Instead of falling into this trap, it will take some patience and perspective. 

 

Sure, the quick fix may be to just hand the baby off to the preferred parent, but that will not create a long term solution for the whole family. Better to push through now and give your baby exposure to each parent now than to wait until the preferred parent is totally worn down and exhausted before making a change. (For more newborn sleep help, head here)

 

Parental preference tip #2

If your child is past the newborn stage and you’re thinking, “Great, we messed up. What now?” There’s never a bad time to begin. If one parent is doing most (or all) of the sleep duties currently, start having the other parent join in. Do the bedtime routine together. Handle the night wakings together. This gives you a chance to compare notes. It also gives your little one a chance to see that the non-preferred parent is there and can do those tasks too. (For more baby sleep help, head here)

 

Parental preference tip #3

Especially when you enter the toddler and preschooler age, follow through and consistency is extremely important. If your toddler is used to one parent always doing the bedtime routine, then when it’s time for the non-preferred parent to start doing it, you can bet there will be some BIG feelings.

 

This is okay. And perfectly normal. We want your child to be able to express their feelings. But that doesn’t mean we need to adjust our boundaries just because they don’t like them. Remember, you are the parent. And you can see and understand why the change is necessary for the whole family. We wouldn’t expect your young child to understand that. And that’s why we don’t leave those kinds of decisions up to them.

 

When it is the non-preferred parent’s night to do the bedtime routine, don’t let your child dictate which parent puts them down. This means when they throw a massive fit, you go to your calm place and ride out the wave of the meltdown. Our goal is not to avoid meltdowns. Our goal is to remain calm and steady in the face of meltdowns so that our children can understand our boundaries. When they understand where the boundaries are (and that they aren’t moving) they will stop testing them and start accepting them instead. 

 

You will never get to a place where your child willingly accepts boundaries if you never follow through with them. (For more help on getting to a good sleep place with your toddler or preschooler, head here)

 

You can do this! Habits can be frustrating and hard to change but we humans are good at adapting when we need to. Consistency and patience are your best friends as you tackle parental preference at bedtime. Good luck! And for even more reading on this topic, check out this great post by The Pediatrician Mom, Dr. Krupa Playforth! 

 

Dealing with more than just parental preference issues? Check out my resources for various ages below:

Whether you have a little baby or a preschooler, you may be experiencing tears at bedtime right now. As frustrating as it is, I want to encourage you that this can be totally normal and there are several reasons WHY your child may be feeling some big emotions come bedtime.

Let's look at 4 things they might be telling you with their tears...

 

Reason #1 why baby cries at bedtime:

"I'm overtired."

Is it possible you missed their window before bed and accidentally kept them up too long? Or did they have a pretty crappy nap day? That window before bed can be pretty sensitive so if you are noticing lots of crying at bedtime, try pulling bedtime 15-30 minutes earlier and see if that helps!

Your child is struggling with sleep (night wakings, fighting sleep, short naps, cranky & overtired all the time, etc). You can accept that this is where you're at right now and embrace it. This will be temporary. Some day your child will sleep better. You can choose for this to be your hard and go with it. Accept it and stop letting it plague your every thought and emotion.

 

Reason #2 why baby cries at bedtime:

"I'm adjusting to some type of change."

Are you still in the early days of sleep coaching? Or maybe your nightly routine is often in flux and so your child is constantly having to re-adapt to change. Either way, crying may be their way of communicating to you that this change is hard. Is hard bad? No. But if you feel you aren't being fair by being inconsistent, it's never too late to change that!

 

Reason #3 why baby cries at bedtime:

"I don't want to stop playing or hanging out with you!"

This plays off the last one a bit. Your little one is smart so even if you have a consistent bedtime routine, they understand that sleep time is coming. And they may not like that. They may have big feelings about this transition from play to sleep and they will probably express those. This is both healthy and normal.

It would be great to have no tears at all as we transition from one activity to the next but we also know that's not realistic with children. Allow the feelings to flow. Support as needed.

 

Reason #4 why baby cries at bedtime:

"I need an emotional release so I can relax and fall asleep."

Did you know that crying can actually release stress? Crying triggers the parasympathetic nervous system which can restore the body to a calm and composed state. Contrary to what many today will tell you, crying is not inherently bad. Crying is a great natural way for the body to relieve stress and slow down. This could just be a natural part of your child's wind-down process and therefore no reason to stress!

 

 

😢I get it. We all hate when our children cry. But crying is a way to express emotions. Having emotions is part of living and breathing. These are not bad experiences. They are healthy and normal.

👉Repeat this with me: "My child's crying does not reflect on me as a parent. It does not mean I am not loving and responsive. It means my child has feelings and is expressing them."

 

Ready to tackle your current sleep issues? I'm here to offer a solution. 

Look no further than my affordable Classic Consultation:

With the Classic Consultation you can get accessible sleep help to confidently sleep train without all the second guessing! Imagine doing your bedtime routine, kissing your baby goodnight, walking out of the room + knowing that your baby will sleep long stretches at night and both of you will wake up feeling refreshed!

 

So if you're ready to stop feeling stuck, it's time to own your hard, commit to change & better sleep, and head over to check out the Classic Consultation today: https://allthesleeps.com/sleep-plan

If you’ve got a toddler or preschooler and you’re dealing with bedtime stalling, you’re not alone! It’s also important to know that this is perfectly normal behavior for your 2-5 year old. I find parents have a hard time with these main 2 things when bedtime stalling crops up: Understanding that it’s okay to say no & knowing the right way to respond to stalling.

 

If you can relate, this blog post is written specifically for you! I’ve even got sample scripts so you can find just the right words to lovingly hold those boundaries.

 

So, before we get to the scripts, let’s first help you understand that it’s okay to say no to bedtime stalling. You don’t have to be stuck in a cycle of late bedtimes and dreading the whole drawn out process.

 

Why bedtime stalling happens

Your toddler is good at testing boundaries. And they should be! Boundary testing is an important part of their learning and development! So it’s natural that what once was a calming routine is now filled with requests and stalling. That’s their job!

 

They will keep pushing and pushing until they understand exactly where that limit is. And they can’t know where the limit is if we, as parents, don’t show them. In this article by parenting expert, Janet Lansbury, she explains that they can get stuck in testing mode if we aren’t making our limits clear.

 

Why it’s important to hold clear bedtime boundaries

We give a little here, we give a little there, and before we know it, our toddler is testing every single limit that we have around sleep. In the end we feel like we are constantly fighting them so we just give up and find ourselves in a sleep situation that we never wanted to be in.

But as parents, our job is to hold the important boundaries firm so that your child can figure out what you expect of them. These consistent boundaries allow your child to get out of testing mode and start accepting.

 

 

What to say to respond to bedtime stalling and requests

If you notice specific requests or issues that come up regularly, then you should be addressing them, talking about them, and prepping your child BEFORE bedtime.

 

Bedtime is not the time to be having lengthy conversations. It's a time to validate, be clear, and remain consistent. And that's where these scripts below can come in handy!

 

(Now I know that having scripts aren't the end all be all of parenting BUT it is helpful to have some responses in mind. Otherwise we can get caught off guard and end up with a bedtime routine that goes on and on and on...)

 

"I don't want to go to bed!"

"You're upset you have to stop playing. The clock says it's bedtime and we can play more tomorrow!"

With this example you are validating their feelings. We want them to know it’s okay for them to be upset and have feelings, right? But then we can still hold the boundary instead of trying to stifle any unpleasant feelings before they happen.

 

*Stalling in general during the routine*

"Do you want to walk into your room or do you want me to carry you?"

Offering choices when it makes sense can go a long way! Offer 2 pajama choices and let them choose. Offer 2 book choices and let them choose. The key with offering choices is to keep it small and manageable so they aren’t overwhelmed with control. If they don’t want to choose, or they stall with choosing, then you let them know you’re going to choose for them this time and they can try again tomorrow night.

 

"Don’t leave. I'm scared"

"It's okay to be scared. You are safe and Mom is right in the living room."

It’s perfectly normal and natural to have fears. But we want to help our children face their fears and build confidence in themselves to handle hard situations. Bedtime is such a safe and predictable opportunity for them to do just that. Validate their feelings, reassure them you are close by, and then give them the opportunity to work through it. 

 

“Can I have another drink of water?”

“We already got our last drink before bed. You can have more water in the morning.”

Or maybe you choose to give them a water bottle in their room/crib for them to drink from. But once it’s gone, it’s gone until morning!

 

“Just one more book!”

“We already read our 2 stories for the night. We can read more tomorrow!”

Ahh, the “just one more book” line. It can be so hard to say no because we know how good reading is for our kids. But it’s important to have a set number of books that you read each night. Don’t waver on that number if you’re having bedtime stalling issues. This simply confuses your child and makes them think they can keep asking for more books. The first few times you tell them no, they will likely be upset, but they’ll figure it out with consistency and it won’t feel as upsetting to them.

 

"Will you tuck me in again?"

"We do one tuck at bedtime. After that you're in charge of your bed and how you like it."

Calmly let your child know that they only get 1 tuck in. Be sure to practice putting the covers on themselves during the day as well! If they really are too young to replace blankets then you might consider putting them in a wearable blanket for toddlers and skipping the blankets for now. Check out the Flying Squirrel here and the Halo Walker here.

 

I hope these scripts give you some clarity. The purpose of these scripts is to respond confidently and then continue to move along with your next step. Remember, it is loving to hold boundaries. In fact, consistent boundaries allow children to feel safe and it decreases anxiety.

 

For more help with your toddler or preschooler's sleep, check out my resource page for 2-5 years. Here I offer freebies, relevant blog posts, courses, and 1:1 services for this age group!

Bedtime routines are KEY to healthy sleep habits. But when we start talking about establishing routines around sleep, there are several issues that pop up. Join us as we talk through troubleshooting for these common issues:

Parental preference at bedtime

Feeding to sleep association

Screen usage before bedtime

 

Sleep Coaching Crash Course (4-24 months)

How to Craft the Perfect Bedtime Routine

 

Available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Stitcher, etc.

Episode 5: Troubleshooting Bedtime Routine Issues

Troubleshooting bedtime routine issues Hey guys, welcome back to the sleep talking moms podcast, we are here today, and we are going to be talking about common bedtime routine issues. But first, Kayla's here with me, and I think we need to share another Kayla- Carianna story, what do you think Kayla. I think that that would be great. Okay, so I'm going to share that I feel like this story might make us sound a little crazy, but we're just gonna go with it. Yeah, and we might be, we might be. So, Kayla was going on a first date and I believe, was this a blind date that your mom set up.
Yes, so this was a blind date that my mom set up by meeting. She was at a restaurant and saw this kid, and thought that he was really cute. And so she proceeded to go up to his table, tell him about me and get his number. and they like, set up a blind date without me there. Oh my. So it starts off really good. I was like holding back my laughter because I knew if I let myself laugh it would be way too loud. This is totally like your mom, this is just kind of what your mom's like right she's classic. As always looking out for her daughters, above all else. So, this was like we were college age and I was actually dating my husband at the time, and he never you engage. Oh, well I don't know it. I don't know, could be either. I'm not sure we were together, and I don't know if it was your idea, or my it was your idea it was not. Definitely my idea. Yeah, I don't think he would just do that. I don't think that you would come up with that I think that obviously you would go along with it. But yeah, it was definitely my idea. Okay, so it was Caitlin's idea, and my mom had always had this like really gross, black wig, like a, like, black long hair and it was like all layered like lots of long layers, it was like framing face framing, if I remember correctly, yeah like maybe 60/70s type hairstyle that's probably when she got it. And I had always like, played with it for dress up or things. Well, we decided that I would wear that hat because this guy that she was going on a date with I had gone to high school, like we had all gone to high school together. We weren't the same age. No, he was a year younger I had no idea that I actually like knew who he was until I until I said his name and you were like oh my gosh Kayla he went to high school with us and she like showed me in the yearbook before I even got to the place where we were eating, so I wore the wig so that he wouldn't recognize me because I knew that he would have known that, you know, we were joined at the hip, that we were best friends so I wear the wig, he wouldn't have known Derek because Derek didn't go to our high school, and we went on the date with them and sat at a table, you know, across, across yeah across the room and just kind of stopped them and watch them until my day, found out that it was you guys he asked, Hey, is that Karianna like oh my gosh yeah that looks like her. Pretending like I had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that you were there in a wig, like you didn't even have to be there no way you could have just naturally been at this restaurant. We did not think this through. Troubleshooting bedtime routine issues We didn't think it through, but it was really fun, and I guess makes a really good story, it does. And, you know, in case you're wondering, she never went on any more dates with him, so no no it's not a love connection. So there's your, there's your Kayla Carianna story. I hope you don't think less of us. Now that you've heard that. But moving on to talk about some common bedtime routine issues so lots of things with bedtime routines, and also at the time that you're, if you're listening to this as it's coming out, gonna be talking about bedtime routines, this week as well so stay tuned on Instagram for more info. But one of the main issues I see is parental preference at bedtime, so maybe only one parent can put the child down, and if the other parent tries the child either can't fall asleep has a meltdown etc. Kayla, have you guys experienced any parental preference, with bedtime.
This is one of those where we have been lucky to not deal with that. Sorry for any of you that are and are like, oh cool, good for you. Um, this is one of the things that we were lucky enough to not deal with. However, for us and the way that we do things like it's always been both of us doing the bedtime routine with both of the children, and then I'm always doing the NAPS because I'm a stay at home mom, So there wasn't really any room for negotiation there. Yeah, we were very much the same way I mean when I had my first son, I was working split shifts so I was gone, probably half the bedtimes anyway so you know Ethan, my oldest just kind of had to learn to go with the flow and get used to both or either of us putting him down and, and I do think, you know, if you're listening to this with a really really young one, start that as early as you can, where you have both parents involved in the process where you even trade off nights, so that you do you have that freedom and your child is to use to one parent or the other, putting them down. I think that that sets the stage from the beginning for that. Yes, but if you were not able to start that at an early age for whatever reason. What can you do. Yes, so this one is a lot is going to depend on your child's age, you know, the older they are, it's often the older they are the more that they have really big feelings and emotions, and they're able to say like no I want, I want this parent to do it or no I want this parent to do it. And so a lot of times with that toddler preschooler age, it kind of becomes, you know, a power struggle and then parents kind of give in a little on that boundary, and then before you know it, the child is demanding one parent every night and it just kind of snowballs so with an older child, it's always good to just validate their feelings, I know you like it when Mom puts you down for bed, I know you're sad, she can't do it. Troubleshooting bedtime routine issues But then, hold that boundary you can hold it and be loving. But tonight, it's my night to put you down, so we're gonna go do your routine can you show me what the first thing is that we do. So, valid, eight, how they're feeling. Hold the boundary, and then try to kind of redirect them toward the routine. Yeah and then give them the power and the independence in the areas that you can what book. What book do you want to read, so that they still feel like they are somewhat in control. Yes, absolutely offering those like two choices, you know, and make sure that the choices you're offering are choices that you're comfortable with. So, these pajamas or these pajamas, not. Do you want to put your diaper on as like an open ended question right do we want to step into your pull up or do you want me to help you. Those things can really help them feel in control, about a different piece, that's a great point Kayla, and you know, with the younger ones. A lot of times when I see parental preference, with, you may be bait the baby stage, it's more centered around one particular parent, helps them to sleep in a very specific way. As an example, you know, this is what I see a lot, not the only example but if a child, nurses to fall asleep, then they're one mom that nurses, then, is the only one that can do that right so that's where that preference can really come in, and that's okay. If you're comfortable with that, but if you're feeling like you don't want to be the only person that can get them down, that's when it's a good time to either introduce other ways to put them to sleep or work on that independent sleep piece where they can put themselves to sleep. another common bedtime routine issue that I see. And I will have a disclaimer here, this is not an issue for everyone kind of like we just talked about with the nursing to sleep. But if you are struggling with bedtime and feeding sleep, that can be kind of a big, big red flag for me. Because if your child is only used to falling asleep with a feed, that means any time they have one of their normal night wakings, they're probably also going to feel like they need a feed to fall asleep, even if that hunger isn't there. So typically with the are really little ones, it can be helpful from day one, almost to establish an eat, play sleep routine. So basically, we try to feed them when they wake up in the morning when they wake up from a nap. So that that feeding is not drifting closer to when they fall asleep. So that the two aren't intermingling there. And that can also be really helpful to make sure that they are getting a full feeding as well. So they're not drifting off partway during their feed. If you have an older child, and you're kind of already doing the feeding to sleep, you're kind of out of those newborn days, what can be helpful is either to slowly shift that feeding earlier in your routine until it's kind of the first thing or a lot of times, what I will do with my clients is, when we start on night one, we just start with a brand new routine, instead of gradually changing it over a series of days. And we just do feeding first and then the rest of the routine, so that there's a very clear separation there. And you know, apart from the sleep association that we've been talking about, where if a child feels like they need to fall they need to eat in order to fall asleep. As they get older. If this is a pattern that stays in place, it also can become an issue with teeth, right. Troubleshooting bedtime routine issues So if eating is the last thing that your child does, if that's how they fall asleep, then we're not having the chance to get in there and brush their teeth before they're sleeping for their, you know, eight 910 1112 hours. And that means that that is just sitting there on their teeth, which which can be a really big long term problem. Another common bedtime issue I see. And this one may be a little controversial. And I know, myself and Kayla have not always followed this one either. So I think it is very family and child dependent. But if you are struggling with sleep, having screens right before bed can be really disruptive. And the kind of best practice is having one to two hours of screen free time before bed. Basically, you know, screens are going to emit that blue light which signals directly to your child's brain that it's daytime. This is part of the reason why us as adults, we all struggle with sleep more than we did before you know cell phones were invented. And before we were on screens every night before bed, it just puts off that melatonin production makes it harder for us to fall asleep and that same thing can happen with your child as well. Kayla, what is your family's kind of philosophy with screens before bed? What do you guys do what works for you? We actually do screens before bed it has not that is one of the things once again I sound like I'm just like my kids have no issues. But trust me, trust me my kids have issues but we we do screens before bed we actually like into the night as I don't know how to explain it but like in the living room. I say Okay, one more song. We're still like, because I'm so little we're still doing like Nursery Rhymes Coco melon. Everybody knows actually. Oh, no Cocomelon. I mean, I've heard of Coco melon. never watched it. Well, you're very lucky. They get stuck in your head. But we always do like one last song. And then we make our way upstairs and do our typical routine which is a book for each boy. ls comes with us to take it down for sleep. I goes to bed we put them in his crib. We say night and then Ellis Is his night routine So we do screens before bed and it just hasn't been. Yes. And I agree wholeheartedly if it's not an issue, it's not an issue, right? We had a period of time where we would do screens before we went up to do our routine. So you know, about 2030 minutes before bed, which is obviously not what I recommend. Troubleshooting bedtime routine issues But we weren't struggling either. And then we did. When did you start? When did you start struggling? Oh, I don't remember honestly, probably sometime around when COVID hit last year, it started being a struggle. And it wasn't, it wasn't that they were struggling to fall asleep at night. That's not where I noticed it, although I was really keeping my eye on that, to make sure the time it took them to fall asleep wasn't getting longer and longer because of the screen use. But it was causing a lot of meltdowns, when we would have to turn the screen off and go to our routine. And it was just putting a bad vibe over the whole routine. Yeah, so we just said, if you're someone who's currently using screens before bed, and you're like, Oh, yeah, maybe this is part of the problem. I would recommend offering that same chunk of time earlier in the day, whether it's earlier in the evening, earlier in the afternoon, morning. And just be really clear with your child that we are going to do this now instead of at bedtime. So give them plenty of warning about the change. Know that when bedtime does roll around, they're still probably going to be like wait, but I always do this. And you can remind them we did it earlier. Troubleshooting bedtime routine issues There may be tears and meltdowns. Right. But as parents, we're not walking on eggshells our whole life to avoid meltdowns were supporting through them holding those boundaries. But it is possible if you have screens before bedtime to move them earlier if it's an issue. So I just want to give you some hope in that as well if you feel like you need to make that change. So thank you guys for joining us while we talked through some common bedtime routine issues and I just want to remind you be following along on Instagram or Facebook wherever you follow along because this week we will be talking all about bedtime routine stuff. So there will be lots more info there and I hope to see you thank you guys have a great week. Thank you so much for listening to the sleep talking moms podcast. If you enjoyed this episode, please take a second to rate and review. Each review helps more tired and overwhelmed moms find simple and practical advice. See you back here soon. Yeah I will see you next week. Troubleshooting bedtime routine issues 

If you take a look around my site, you will see lots of mentions of sleep props or sleep associations. You may be wondering, “What IS a sleep prop?”

A sleep prop (also known as a sleep association, crutch, or assist to sleep) can be anything that your baby depends on to fall asleep. All sleep props are not created equal either! Some are extremely helpful for your baby’s sleep while others tend to be less helpful.

First thing I want to mention is that no sleep prop is across-the-board bad. I prefer the terms helpful and unhelpful that I used above. The word bad leads parents to think they’ve done something wrong or that something they are currently doing is an issue. This is not always the case!

 

I cannot stress this enough

If you’re currently using any of the unhelpful props that I mention below but sleep is going just fine for your family, then no need to change it! This post is meant to help families who are struggling get to the root cause of their sleep issues, not to make other families worry unnecessarily! If it’s not broken, don’t fix it!

 

Here are some signs that you might be using an unhelpful sleep prop:

♥Short naps, rarely longer than 30-45 minutes unless you help them back to sleep

♥Frequent night wakings, typically every couple of hours but could even be one or two wakings per night in an older baby

♥Daytime crankiness

♥Fighting going to sleep

♥Often waking within an hour of falling asleep at bedtime and difficult to get back down

♥Trying to start their day early in the morning (before 6am)

♥Unpredictable daytime schedule 

 

So what can be considered an unhelpful sleep prop:

♥Nursing to sleep

♥Bottle feeding to sleep

♥Rocking to sleep

♥Holding to sleep

♥Laying with to fall asleep

♥Pacifier use (particularly if your baby cannot reinsert it themselves)

 

In and of themselves, these things aren’t inherently bad. But if you’re struggling with sleep, here’s what you need to understand. Your baby has the potential to wake up each and every sleep cycle throughout the night and during naps. That’s about every 40-50 minutes! So what your baby needs to fall asleep at bedtime, is exactly what they’ll need to fall back asleep at these wakings. 

 

You have to ask yourself, am I willing to continue offering this sleep prop all throughout the night or after each short little nap in order to get them back to sleep? If that doesn’t sound too enticing then that’s where sleep coaching comes into play!

The goal of sleep coaching is to teach your baby to fall asleep independently. This means that when your baby is laid down in the crib, they should still be awake! 

This is where the rule “drowsy but awake” comes into play. Personally, I prefer the phrase “awake and calm” because there can be some confusion about the word drowsy.

Every time you lay your baby down for sleep (naps and nighttime), ideally they would be awake and calm. Not asleep. Not drifting off. Fully awake.

They should also be calm and primed for sleep (i.e. proper timing, calming bedtime routine, ideal sleep environment). By doing this each and every time you lay your baby down, you are teaching them this important sleep skill, one that they will need to have for the rest of their life!

Using the awake and calm rule is so key that, if a newborn is taught good sleep habits and the awake and calm rule is used gradually from the very beginning, they might never have to go through any sleep coaching! How amazing would that be? I have an entire Newborn Sleep Course all about how to do this and it’s producing amazing results with my mamas!

Now that we’ve gone through all that info, let’s talk about helpful sleep props. These should be things that your child either has some control over or that are always available to them throughout the night/nap so that they aren’t disrupted when they briefly wake.

 

What is considered a helpful sleep prop?

♥White noise

♥Dark sleep environment

♥Sleep sack

♥Predictable bedtime routine

♥Lovey- if over 12 months of age

♥Pacifier if you little one can reinsert it themselves- although I still recommend getting rid of it sooner rather than later

 

These are all things that will aid your baby in getting the most restorative sleep possible, without causing unnecessary wakings or helplessness for them that you will need to attend to.

 

So how do you get rid of unhelpful sleep props?

If you’ve realized after reading this post that you have a big sleep prop issue and you’re ready to make the steps to resolve it, be sure to check out my different services. ⇓

⇒If you feel like you just need someone to tell you what changes to make and how, you may be interested in my Classic Consultation.

⇒If you know this will be a big transition for your family and you’d like my constant support and guidance along the way, my Ultimate Consultation is the way to go!

 

∗You can always Apply to Work with Me and we can talk through the best option for your unique situation.

It seems like so many different factors in your child’s life can cause sleep disruptions. My goal with this blog is to educate you on how to handle nightmares and night fears so that you and your child feel prepared and empowered to take them on!

Let’s start with talking about night fears and how to work through them.

 

Why is my child suddenly afraid of the dark?

We typically see night fears emerge for the first time around 2-3 years of age and this is often associated with your child’s budding imagination. 

Part of the trickiness with this age is that your child is also learning that their words and actions have specific reactions and this age is constantly testing boundaries. As a parent, it can sometimes be hard to tell if your child is actually scared or if they have just discovered a good stalling technique!

Try not to suggest or ask if they are scared of the dark. Sometimes we can give them the idea to be afraid when, in reality, they are just upset about play time ending and sleep time starting. 

How can I help my child who is afraid of the dark?

We always want to address these fears when they crop up. Below are my suggestions for how to respond:

1. Figure out if there is anything scary they are seeing on screens or reading in a book. Maybe a specific scene (that isn't even that scary) is freaking them out.

2. When possible, avoid talking at length about the fears at bedtime. Instead be proactive and talk about it during the day beforehand.

3. Ask your child what they are afraid of. Talk them through it. Allow them to experience and share their feelings.

4. Reassure them, but watch the words you use. For example, if you say, "Mom and Dad are keeping you safe," that implies that there is something you are keeping them safe FROM. Instead, aim to say things like, "You are safe. Everyone in the house is safe."

5. Take care not to dismiss their fears. Instead, try to talk at their level. Has your child expressed a fear of bears? Talk about the bear from one of their favorite cartoons. Or remind them of the time you saw a bear at the zoo. Remind them that they only see bears in those places, not their rooms.

If your child is old enough and it’s appropriate, you can even help them turn it into a silly image. “Wouldn’t it be silly if a bear tried to come to our house? He wouldn’t fit through the door!” 

6. Always comfort and talk to your child if they are afraid but then leave the room while they are still awake. Understand that the best way for them to start feeling safe is to experience sleeping alone so they can see for themselves that they ARE safe.

If our solution is always to bring them into bed or sleep on their floor, we are taking away their opportunity to experience that safety on their own.

Should I use Monster Spray or similar tactics?

I like to avoid using Monster Spray or encouraging parents to check in the closets and under the bed. This reinforces the idea that they have something to be afraid of. 

Instead try teaching them about dreamscapes:

Talk them through creating a fun world in their head. Maybe that’s a Thomas the Train world or a Frozen world. Encourage them to close their eyes and imagine that their room is this world and tell them to think about what they might see. 

There’s lots we can do to help our children cope with night fears. Nightmares are a bit trickier so let’s dig into those next!

What IS a nightmare?

A nightmare is a disturbing dream that occurs during REM sleep. These dreams tend to happen in the early morning hours and are very vivid. During a nightmare your child will be still as their muscles are “turned off” during REM sleep to prevent the acting out of those dreams.

What causes nightmares?

Nightmares are a normal developmental occurrence and aren’t necessarily something to be concerned about unless they are happening quite frequently, more than 2x a week. But to help your child avoid excessive nightmares, there’s a couple things you can do:

⇒Take a hard look at what they are viewing in books and on screens. Anything potentially frightening or stressful?

⇒Assess their daily stress level and discern if anything could be causing undue stress

⇒Make sure they are getting adequate sleep and not becoming overtired as that can be another stressor as well.

 

Obviously, some life changes and stressors will be unavoidable (like moving or bringing home a new sibling) but it is helpful to know that an increase in nightmares during these life changes is normal and will pass.

 

How soon can nightmares start?

As mentioned above, your child’s budding imagination can lead to more nighttime fears and also the occurrence of nightmares. Usually we see kids having nightmares around 2-3 years of age.

Of course, before this age, it’s hard to know for sure because our little ones can’t communicate nightmares to us.

But it is important to know that sleep cries (waking and crying out briefly or even crying out while still asleep) are a normal occurrence for babies. As is twitching that can happen in lighter stages of sleep. These don’t necessarily signal nightmares.

If your child is helped to sleep and then placed down alone, they will almost certainly wake up and cry or scream when they realize they are in a different place than they originally fell asleep in. This doesn’t mean they are having nightmares every night, this means they would benefit from learning the skill of independent sleep.

 

What’s the best way to handle nightmares?

1. When your child has a nightmare it is ALWAYS okay to go in and comfort them. Go in, give them some love and snuggles. Reassure them that it was just a dream and that it’s over now. If they want to tell you what happened, let them. 

 

2. Once you’ve taken your time and helped them calm down, my next recommendation is to leave the room before they fall back asleep. This is just a suggestion and I would encourage you to use your judgement.

Leaving the room and letting them fall asleep on their own may be best if you have a child who is constantly pushing boundaries around sleep or if you know that by staying with them now you’ll have several nights of re-breaking this habit in the future.

 

3. The next day, talk to them about their nightmares. Even with a child who isn’t very verbal, you can still talk to them. Kids pick up on a lot so try not to be anxious or too serious about the event.

Explain that nightmares are just bad dreams and encourage them to think of specific things that would be nice to dream about instead. Go over these nice dreams that night once they are tucked in and before you leave so that they can focus their attention on good things instead of worrying about potential nightmares.

 

4. Also, talk about some bad dream strategies during the day and at bedtime. These will help to empower your child by making them feel in control of their nightmares.

⇒Teach them how to create a fun, imaginary world in their head.

⇒Encourage them to “change the channel” in their brain by flipping over or turning their pillow over.

⇒Tell them to snuggle and comfort their favorite stuffed animal or doll after a bad dream.

These strategies give them something concrete they can do and help put some control and confidence back into them so that they don’t feel helpless.

And what about night terrors?

Night terrors typically happen during the first half of the night when we have our deepest sleep. Night terrors are kind of like nightmares but they take place during deeper stages of sleep. While dreams and nightmares typically take place while in REM sleep when our bodies are paralyzed, night terrors happen during non-REM sleep and therefore our bodies can move around freely.

During a night terror your child may thrash, cry, scream, act upset or scared and also be out of it. They won’t be awake or aware of what’s happening and you won’t be able to wake them. Children usually return to normal sleep after these episodes and rarely remember them.

 

What causes night terrors?

Night terrors can be brought on by being overtired so if your child starts having them, you should assess their schedule and make sure they are getting plenty of sleep. Stress can also bring on night terrors. 

 

What’s the best way to handle a night terror?

If your child is experiencing a night terror, you can go to them but avoid trying to comfort them or wake them. Simply sit and make sure they don’t hurt themselves. They should drift right off into a calm sleep when the terror is over and then they won’t remember it in the morning.

Trust me when I say, night terrors are really only disturbing for the parents. The child will not even know it’s happening if it’s a true night terror.

 

Good luck tackling those nightmares and night fears! It’s all about talking things through and giving your child tools to be empowered when these issues crop up. And be sure to take a listen to episode 13 of the Sleep Talking Moms podcast for more help on night time fears!