Ahhh hindsight, my beautiful friend! 😅 Looking back, I can’t help but chuckle at my naivete when I became a new parent. If only I had a handy list of essential sleep lessons before my first baby arrived, it would have saved me so much stress, guilt, and endless second-guessing.

When I first stepped into parenthood, I decided to just “wing it,” based on exactly zero research. I thought I’d figure it all out as I went along… but how wrong I was! 🥲 What actually unfolded was a whirlwind of sleepless nights, an overwhelming sense of dread and anxiety about sleep, and a perpetually exhausted and irritable baby.

Eventually, after much trial and error, I learned these five key lessons that turned things around for us. Trust me, knowing these before my baby arrived would have made all the difference!

 

1. It's okay to want better sleep for yourself too

As new parents, it’s easy to feel guilty about prioritizing sleep. But here’s the truth: a well-rested parent is a better parent. Period. When you’re well-rested, you have more patience, clearer thinking, and the ability to be more present and attuned for your little one. A client recently described this as baby-life balance. Everything can't be all about the baby at the expense of the parents. If it is, the effects of neglecting yourself *will* eventually trickle down to your baby. There is nothing selfish about getting the sleep you need.

 

2. Consistency is the secret sauce

I quickly learned that success comes from sticking to a plan. When my husband or I tried to make sleep adjustments, we were really just throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing what would stick. But we never tried anything long enough to see it through and actually give it time to work! The best sleep training method is the one you can commit to consistently. Whether it’s a bedtime routine or a sleep training strategy, consistency helps your baby understand what to expect, making it easier for them to settle into sleep. This is a great quick read if you find yourself struggling with consistency and you feel like you've "tried everything."

 

3. Your child will adapt—trust their resilience

I wish I had known how adaptable babies really are! When you're a first time parent, you feel like your baby is so fragile and vulnerable. And don't get me wrong- babies need constant love and care but they are also extremely resilient. They are learning and growing and changing so quickly when their little and the good part of that is they are able to handle sleep changes you want to help them with. With the right sleep habits, they can adjust and thrive. Your little one is resilient, and with patience and encouragement, they’ll find their groove. Believe in their ability to adapt!

 

4. Sleep regressions are a normal part of progress

Setbacks don’t automatically mean failure! Baby sleep isn’t linear; it's good to expect ups and downs along the way. Sleep regressions are common, especially during growth spurts and developmental milestones. Instead of getting discouraged, remember that these phases are often temporary and can be navigated with the right strategies. Plus, we want to look on these developmental changes as a positive sign (how great is it that my baby is developing into the person they will be one day?!) instead of have a woe is my attitude that the deck is stacked against us. If you're in the thick of sleep regressions right now, check out my low-down on the most common sleep regressions here.

 

5. You don’t have to do it alone

Asking for help doesn’t make you weak! That goes for tagging your partner in (which is oh so important), accepting help from your in-laws (who may not do everything exactly as you do), or even from hiring a professional to help you navigate sleep. In fact, support from a sleep consultant or coach can make all the difference in your journey to better sleep. Don’t hesitate to seek guidance when you need it—having someone to lean on can bring confidence and calmness to the process. And don't feel guilty about the ways you managed baby sleep when you were stuck in survival mode. As a sleep consultant, trust me, I've seen it all and I will never judge you or your situation. What matters is that you've reached the point where you're ready to get out of survival mode and work towards more sustainable sleep habits. 

If you’re feeling overwhelmed or unsure where to begin, I’m here to guide you every step of the way! Let’s work together on a personalized sleep plan that fits your family’s needs. Remember, you don’t have to navigate this journey alone; support is just a message away! 🌙

 

Ready to tackle your current sleep issues? I'm here to offer a solution. 

Look no further than my affordable Classic Consultation:

With the Classic Consultation you can get accessible sleep help to confidently sleep train without all the second guessing! Imagine doing your bedtime routine, kissing your baby goodnight, walking out of the room + knowing that your baby will sleep long stretches at night and both of you will wake up feeling refreshed!

 

So if you're ready to stop feeling stuck, it's time to own your hard, commit to change & better sleep, and head over to check out the Classic Consultation today: https://allthesleeps.com/sleep-plan

If you’re a parent, you either know the feeling of being the preferred parent and then only one who can put your child to bed…. Or you know the feeling of being the non-preferred parent and therefore unable to help much at bedtime. Honestly, both of these feelings suck.

 

The preferred parent gets touched out and worn out from the constant parenting and can feel resentful toward their partner. The non-preferred parent gets hurt feelings from being “unwanted” by the child and can feel helpless to do anything to assist the preferred parent.

 

It’s not a fun place to be but unfortunately, it comes and goes over the years with our children as they grow and develop. However, when it comes to sleep routines and responses, I’ve got several tips no matter the age of your child to help you teach them flexibility.

 

Parental preference tip #1

Start at the beginning. Expose your newborn to both parents getting them ready for bed, helping them fall asleep, and soothing in the middle of the night. Try not to lean too heavily on one parent or the other. (And yes, even the non-nursing parent can be helpful during night wakings).

 

This not only helps your child get used to different modes and ways of being soothed, but it also gives both parents equal practice at soothing so that they can build their confidence. Nothing is worse than trying to soothe a crying baby in the middle of the night when you’ve rarely had any practice.

 

The biggest hiccup parents face when trying to build this exposure in is that they are looking for the quick fix. So one parent may be able to soothe the child quicker than the other and that parent ends up becoming the default parent for night wakings and settling to sleep. Instead of falling into this trap, it will take some patience and perspective. 

 

Sure, the quick fix may be to just hand the baby off to the preferred parent, but that will not create a long term solution for the whole family. Better to push through now and give your baby exposure to each parent now than to wait until the preferred parent is totally worn down and exhausted before making a change. (For more newborn sleep help, head here)

 

Parental preference tip #2

If your child is past the newborn stage and you’re thinking, “Great, we messed up. What now?” There’s never a bad time to begin. If one parent is doing most (or all) of the sleep duties currently, start having the other parent join in. Do the bedtime routine together. Handle the night wakings together. This gives you a chance to compare notes. It also gives your little one a chance to see that the non-preferred parent is there and can do those tasks too. (For more baby sleep help, head here)

 

Parental preference tip #3

Especially when you enter the toddler and preschooler age, follow through and consistency is extremely important. If your toddler is used to one parent always doing the bedtime routine, then when it’s time for the non-preferred parent to start doing it, you can bet there will be some BIG feelings.

 

This is okay. And perfectly normal. We want your child to be able to express their feelings. But that doesn’t mean we need to adjust our boundaries just because they don’t like them. Remember, you are the parent. And you can see and understand why the change is necessary for the whole family. We wouldn’t expect your young child to understand that. And that’s why we don’t leave those kinds of decisions up to them.

 

When it is the non-preferred parent’s night to do the bedtime routine, don’t let your child dictate which parent puts them down. This means when they throw a massive fit, you go to your calm place and ride out the wave of the meltdown. Our goal is not to avoid meltdowns. Our goal is to remain calm and steady in the face of meltdowns so that our children can understand our boundaries. When they understand where the boundaries are (and that they aren’t moving) they will stop testing them and start accepting them instead. 

 

You will never get to a place where your child willingly accepts boundaries if you never follow through with them. (For more help on getting to a good sleep place with your toddler or preschooler, head here)

 

You can do this! Habits can be frustrating and hard to change but we humans are good at adapting when we need to. Consistency and patience are your best friends as you tackle parental preference at bedtime. Good luck! And for even more reading on this topic, check out this great post by The Pediatrician Mom, Dr. Krupa Playforth! 

 

Dealing with more than just parental preference issues? Check out my resources for various ages below:

Recently, I had a call with a mom and she expressed to me that if we worked together, her husband wouldn't be available to help with night wakings because he had to go to work during the day and she didn't- she just stayed home with the kids. Plus she had been handling all the night wakings to this point because she exclusively breastfed so there was nothing her husband could do anyways. 

 

This mom was also *drowning* in sleeplessness and desperately in need of help. She spent much of the conversation on the verge of tears because of her sleep deprivation and how much she felt she was failing as a new mother.

 

I wish I could say that this was a first for me but unfortunately I talk to moms who feel this exhausted and frustrated and without help all the time. 

 

I want to share my tips for how your non-nursing partner can help with night wakings but first, I think we need to talk about the fact that this goes way beyond breastfeeding. Even among families who use formula, there is an overwhelming number of stay at homes who “just” stay home with the kids so they become the default night parent.

 

Furthermore, there are plenty of working moms who also find themselves in the position of being the default nighttime parent simply because they are women.

So yeah. I have a little soapbox I need to get on for a quick moment, and then we will proceed with the tips below:

First off, let me lead with this (so I'm not misunderstood and so I don't come across as judgmental) ⤵️

 

👉If you and your partner have communicated and decided on a night solution that works for both parties, then it's not a problem if one parent is in charge of most night wakings.

*Full disclosure, when my second son was a newborn, I was in charge of night wakings and my husband slept in another room for a bit.*

But here's why it worked:
✨I wasn't drowning in sleeplessness. Was I tired, yes. Was I at the end of my rope at that time? Not even close.
✨ We talked about it. If I had not been comfortable with that set up, I would have objected and we would have come up with a different plan.
✨ It wasn't assumed that just because I was a stay at home, I should be the one in charge of night wakings. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

Stay at home moms, I need you to hear this: Staying home with the kids and keeping them alive and thriving is a FULL👏TIME👏JOB. Your partner working out of the house all day is not an excuse, in and of itself, to leave the nighttime parenting all on your shoulders! Full. Stop.

 

Working moms, I need you to hear this: Being on shift all day AND all night does not have to be your default! Your partner can help with nights too. I don’t care if they have to be up early for work or if they stay up too late working. They can handle night wakings too.

We cannot be afraid to open communication with our significant others and get help. Parenting doesn’t have to be a perfect 50/50 split but roles DO need to be discussed and understood and compromised and appreciated.

Maybe they don't know how much you're drowning. Maybe experiencing a night or two of what you're going through would incentivize them to help you form a plan for better sleep. 🤷‍♀️ But let's stop taking it upon ourselves to be the martyrs without asking (or demanding if it comes to that) help from our partners.

👉Also, I'll throw this in because it's a thought in my head as well... I am breaking generational cycles that have been passed down. Where the women are expected to do all the parenting and the men are expected to bring home a paycheck. I am *SO* happy that my boys will grow up seeing that their Dad is just as much their caregiver as I am. 💗

 

Anyways! Onto the tips for ways non-nursing partners can help you with night wakings…

Being a nursing mother does not have to mean you’re handling all the night wakes without help.

 

Tip #1 Split shifts at night

Typically babies can go their longest stretches of sleep in the first half of the night. So have the non-nursing partner take the first shift and handle any wakings. Then the nursing mom can be on shift for the second half of the night. You can even split things up more and have the non-nursing partner back on shift in the early am when baby might just need to be held/rocked to sleep an extra hour or so and let the nursing mom sleep in.

 

Tip #2 Split night waking duties

When baby wakes for a feed, the nursing mom can go tend to baby and feed it. Then, if the baby struggles to go back down right away, the non-nursing parent can tap in at that point and stay up until baby is asleep. This can really help the nursing mom cut down on her awake time during the night, especially if your child has trouble going back to sleep after feedings.

 

Tip #3 Opposite night waking duty split

When baby wakes for a feed, the non-nursing parent can go get the baby, change diaper if necessary, and bring the baby to mom. This will give mom a chance to set up for the feeding or spend a few extra precious minutes resting before breastfeeding.

 

Tip #4 Non-feeding wakings handled by non-nursing partner

Some babies will wake often at night, but it’s more of a habit/lack of independent sleep skill issue than a hunger issue. In these wakings, where the baby doesn’t nutritionally need a feed, the non-nursing parent can handle 100% of these. The nursing mom really only needs to be involved when the waking is out of hunger. Pro-tip: start this from a young age! It’s not unusual for babies to develop preferences to nurse/pacify back to sleep but if the non-nursing partner is handling half the wakings, it really helps to avoid this. Babies who are used to only being settled by mom and nursing, will struggle to accept comfort from the other parent. This is something you have to work at so mom doesn’t become a human pacifier.

 

Tip #5 When other children are involved...

The non-nursing parent can be in charge of any other children who are regularly waking or randomly waking at night. Depending on how you decide to split up duties, the non-nursing parent may also be in charge of bedtime for other children and handling early morning wakings as well. Like the last tip, this isn’t something that will come easily or naturally if you haven’t implemented it from day 1. But I promise you, it is worth it! Your kids deserve to see that both parents can tend to them and care for them and love them. And the nursing mom deserves to have a partner that is willing to put in the effort and help her!

 

Moms, if you're struggling with your own sleep, check out this podcast episode I recorded last year. Episode 27. Ten sleep tips for moms.

 

Are you a parent with a young baby who needs to be sleep trained, but you're worried about waking your other children? Sleep training with siblings can be a tricky situation, but with a little planning and some helpful tips, it's possible to get your baby sleeping through the night without disturbing the rest of the household.

Here are some effective tips on how to sleep train with siblings:

1. Create a routine

Creating a routine is essential for any baby's sleep training, but it's even more important when you have other children in the house. Establish a consistent sleep schedule for your baby that can mesh as best as possible with everyone in the household. This will help your baby adjust to their new sleep pattern, and the whole family can plan their days around it. See more tips for crafting the perfect bedtime routine here.

 

2. Create a buffer & use white noise

White noise can be an excellent tool for masking any sounds that your baby makes during the sleep training process. It can also help your other children sleep more soundly through any crying or fussing. See my favorite white noise machines that I personally use in my home and recommend to all my clients. If your older children already use white noise, don't be afraid to dial there's up temporarily while you go through the sleep training process with your baby. And if you have an extra machine or extra device that can play white noise, add it out in the hallway to act as an added buffer!

Apart from using white noise, you can also try these tips to create more of a buffer:

• If the siblings share a wall, move their beds and cribs so they aren't both set against the same wall
• Place a towel under each child's door so that there is less space for extra sound to travel to and from rooms

 

3. Try different sleeping arrangements

If your baby's crying is still disturbing your other children, you might want to consider different sleeping arrangements. This could mean moving your baby's crib to another room, or using a bassinet/pack n play in your bedroom for the first few weeks of sleep training.

Or maybe it even means sending your older kids over to Grandma and Grandpa's house for a fun sleepover! Sleep training won't be over by the time they come back, but you could at least get through the first few rough nights while they are out of the house.

 

 

4. Communicate with your older children

It's essential to communicate with your other children about the sleep training process. Explain to them what's happening and why it's necessary. Encourage them to use earplugs or noise-canceling headphones if they need to. Be patient and understanding with them, and they'll be more likely to adjust to the new routine.

This is also a great learning opportunity for older kids. It's a great time to reinforce the idea to them that crying is not bad. That it's okay to cry. It's okay to struggle with new skills. There's nothing wrong with that. Encourage them to stay calm amidst the crying and talk about breathing techniques they can try if they are struggling. Again, this is an invaluable learning opportunity so take advantage of it to work on building in healthy talk about feelings.

Do you, yourself struggle with your child's big emotions and crying? Check out my FREE 3 day crying challenge here and work through your triggers!

 

5. Be Consistent

Consistency is key when it comes to sleep training with siblings. Stick to your baby's sleep schedule, and be consistent with your approach to sleep training. It might be challenging in the beginning, but with patience and persistence, your baby will learn to sleep through the night, and your other children will adjust to the new routine.

Even trying "all the things" you may not be able to keep your older children from being disrupted but that's okay. It's life! And it will be a temporary disruption that they will get through and come out on the other side of. They can do this and so can you!

 

Sleep training with siblings doesn't have to be a nightmare. With a little planning and some helpful tips, you can get your baby sleeping through the night without disturbing the rest of the household. Remember to be patient and consistent, and communicate with your other children about the process. Soon enough, everyone in your household will be getting the rest they need.

Need more help navigating this process? I help tired moms who are overwhelmed by conflicting sleep advice to confidently sleep train. And I do it by providing affordable, personalized, and experienced sleep support. Start here by scheduling a free call.

We've all heard this piece of advice before, "Never wake a sleeping baby!" and as a sleep consultant I've gotten appalled looks when I confess you actually SHOULD wake a sleeping baby sometimes. I thought it'd be helpful to lay out all the reasons and situations where waking a sleeping baby is the right move. Keep reading to find out 4 times you should wake a sleeping baby.

 

Time #1 you should wake a sleeping baby: When you have a newborn sleeping long stretches during the day but not at night

Maybe you have a newborn who is up hourly at night but then daytime comes and they will sleep these big long stretches. Yikes! That's the opposite of what we want!

With newborns, this is usually due to the fact that their circadian rhythm hasn't yet developed (this starts happening around 8-12 weeks) and therefore they really have no clue what's day and what's night. To help them figure this out, our biggest tool is... you guessed it- waking them up during the day!

Daytime naps should be limited to 2 hours during the newborn phase and then baby needs to be woken up, fed, and kept awake for at least a short period of time before you let them fall back asleep. This will be hard work at first but totally worth the extra effort in the end, I promise.

Really struggling with your newborn's sleep? Check out my newborn sleep resources here.

 

Time #2 you should wake a sleeping baby: When your baby is sleeping crappy at night and then making up for it during the day with long, luxurious naps

Similar to #1, but this also applies to babies and toddlers. If they aren't getting good quality night sleep, they may try to make up for it by sleeping A LOT during the day. And if we aren't willing to wake them from naps, it will be really hard to break out of this cycle.

So first order of business is to start capping some those daytime naps so that they can build sleep pressure to sleep more during the night. This will also help you fit in necessary daytime feedings so that nighttime isn't when the bulk of their calories is happening. Download my free nap guide for more details on age-appropriate wake windows and how much daytime sleep is actually necessary.

After you start to shorten their daytime sleep, if you are still struggling with crappy nights, it's time to get to the root issue. Are they sleeping poorly at night because they haven't learned how to regulate their own sleep yet? Is the help you provide to get them to sleep actually hindering their sleep because they can't recreate it?

If you're thinking sleep coaching is the next step, check out my Sleep Coaching Crash Course For Babies- the affordable sleep course for tired moms who just want to stop stressing about sleep!

 

Time #3 you should wake a sleeping baby: When you need to stabilize the schedule

If you have a child who will wake up super late in the morning (8am or later) and then it throws your whole day off, then waking them in the morning to start their day is necessary. 

Not only does have a consistent morning wake up time help you plan your day, it also helps their internal body clock to have that consistency day in and day out.

I always recommend having a 30 minute wake up range that you follow each and everyday. That could mean 6-6:30am or 6:30-7am, or 7:30-8am- you decide what works best for your family and your child. But then following that wake up range means you don't start your child's day before the early time and you wake them up if they are still sleeping at the later time.

If you have a child who is sleeping in late in the morning and it's making naps difficult and pushing bedtime way later than you'd like, then it absolutely makes sense to wake that sleeping baby!

 

Time #4 you should wake a sleeping baby: When you are close to a nap transition but not quite there yet

Over the course of your child's life you'll go through several nap transitions. These can be tricky but the key to making them successful is that you don't want to rush into them. The longer you can hold them off, the smoother they will go.

That's where waking a sleeping baby comes into play. Maybe you have a champion napper (which is great!) but now you're struggling to fit in that 3rd nap and it's really throwing a wrench in the schedule. You know that your child isn't really ready for a 2 nap schedule yet because they can't last 3 hours in between naps but you also can't seem to fit all three naps plus 4 wake windows in AND have bedtime not be ridiculously late.

It's okay to cap some of your baby's naps in order to make this 3 nap schedule work a little longer until they are more ready for the transition. Sit down and do some quick math. Count backward from your ideal bedtime and figure out what time you need to wake your child from each nap in order to fit everything in. Then take a deep breath and go for it!

Oh, I also get asked this question a lot when it comes to micromanaging a nap schedule like this: "Will this discourage my baby from taking longer naps when they do transition to less naps?" And the answer is no! You won't get your baby *stuck* at shorter naps by waking them now for a period of time.

Already stressing about future nap transition? Check out my Nap Transition Guide which walks you through everything you need to know for all the major nap transitions.

 

 

For more help with your child's sleep, Everything Page. Here I offer freebies, courses, and 1:1 services for each age group!

Today's blog and podcast is all about sleepwear. Whether you've got a newborn, baby, toddler, or preschooler- we've got you covered!

I get into the details of what your child should wear to sleep, when your child should wear special sleepwear, and why! I also offer all my product recommendations depending on what stage of life you're currently in.

 

*This post may contain affiliate links. Please read my privacy and disclosure statement for more information.

Click here for a quick link to your desired podcast app

Swaddles

Swaddling can be SUCH a helpful tool for newborns. Here are some basic swaddling facts you should know:

1. Swaddling is great for newborn sleep because it reminds them of the womb! Your newborn loved the womb and if we can recreate that feeling of security and snugness, it will help!
2. Swaddling also prevents your newborn from being woken up by their Moro reflex. This reflex will fully integrate around 4 months so a swaddle can be helpful in the first few months of life to make the transition from womb to world easier.
3. Like all things, swaddling should be done in moderation. It's a great tool for sleep but when awake, we want your newborn to be free to move and play!
4. For safety reasons, I recommend you transition out of the swaddle at the very first signs of rolling.
5. When swaddled, babies hips should be loose and free to wiggle.
6. The swaddling material should not be up around baby's face.

 

Swaddle sleepwear I recommend:

Summer Infant Swaddle Me

Pros: Inexpensive, easy to use

These are my personal favorite!

Halo Swaddle

Pros: Easy to use, can also be used as a regular sleep sack once you're done swaddling

Cons: More expensive

Love 2 Dream

Pros: Good option for babies who hate swaddling

Cons: Most expensive

Swaddle Transition

Did you know there are several swaddle transition products that are designed to help you stop swaddling? Let's break them down below and if you need more specific help with that transition out of the swaddle- check out this blog too: How to transition out of the swaddle

 

Swaddle transition sleepwear I recommend:

Magic Merlin Sleepsuit

Pros: Very helpful if your baby still has a strong Moro reflex

Cons: Shouldn't use for very long because they prevent baby from rolling around and getting comfy. 5 months is the oldest I prefer to see babies in these suits.

Halo Swaddle to Sack

Pros: If you used this swaddle for you newborn, you can simply wrap the velcro piece around their chest while letting the arms be free! Get double the use out of this swaddle!

Zipadee Zip

Pros: Unique star fish design makes for an easier transition from the swaddle. This can also be used long term for many months so you'll really get your money's worth.

These are my personal favorite!

Sleep Sacks

Sleep sacks function as a wearable blanket. Since we don't want anything in the crib with baby (no blankets, pillows, etc.) these are a great way to give them that extra "blanket" layer while also keeping them safe. Plus, babies don't know how to keep a blanket on all night anyways!

These can also be great deterrents to keep your toddler from climbing out of their crib. Typically with one of these on they will not be able to hike a leg up and climb out.

Last thing I want you to know is that while sleep sacks are great tools, they are NOT a necessity for good sleep. You don't have to ever use a sleep sack if you don't want/need to!

Sleep sack sleepwear I recommend:

Merlin Dream Sack

 

Carters Sleep Sack

Pros: Inexpensive, can often be found on clearance at Kohl's! Any sleep sack will do. Please don't feel like you need the fanciest of the fancy. 🙂

Zipadee Zip

Pros: Can be used well past the swaddle transition phase up to 24 months!

These are my personal favorite!

Toddler & Preschooler Sleep Wear

Once your child outgrows traditional sleep sacks, there are still options for keeping them warm at night. Many toddlers and preschoolers won't be able to effectively use sheets and covers until older so it's best to avoid that pitfall of repeatedly fixing their covers overnight and instead just use one of these sleepwear options below! For a more in-depth review of the longest sleep sacks I could find, see this blog here.

 

Toddler/preschooler sleepwear I recommend:

Halo XL Sleep Sack

Pros: Still trying to keep your toddler safely in a crib? These fit up to 40in and up to 36lbs!

Flying Squirrel

Pros: Still get that cozy feel of a sleep sack- but with the feet free! Comes in sizes up to 5T.

Halo Walker

Pros: Still get that cozy feel of a sleep sack- but with the feet free! Comes in sizes up to 5T.

 

Need more help than just sleepwear? Check out my resources for every age below:

Spoiler alert, I don't believe in sleep secrets! Okay, well, I wish that I could just hand you a magic wand and you would magically have a great sleeper. It just doesn't work that way. However, I do believe that there are some foundational puzzle pieces that are very important if we're wanting to improve sleep. So in this blog, I'm going to walk you through the four puzzle pieces that I take all of my 1:1 clients through, because they are that important and that foundational.

Now I like to look at sleep as kind of one big puzzle. When I'm helping families troubleshoot their issues, I'm looking at each piece of the puzzle. Is everything in place? It's great to have a piece here or a piece there. But the magic comes from when you put all the pieces together at once and you get that full picture working towards better sleep. So without further ado, let's dive into these four puzzle pieces that we're going to talk through.

 

 

*This post may contain affiliate links. Please read my privacy and disclosure statement for more information.

 

Puzzle piece #1 for better baby sleep

The very first one is sleep environment. And if you have followed me for any length of time, you know, this is something I harp on. I can get a little annoying, like a broken record. But sleep environment is truly so so important. And I have seen it be so transformational when families are struggling with sleep. Sometimes all it takes is getting that sleep environment ideal and many of their sleep problems just go away. Now, I'm not saying that's going to happen for every family, but I've seen it happen enough that I want to make sure that you have these two non-negotiables figured out.

The first non negotiable of your child's sleep environment is that it needs to be dark. I am talking very dark. I'm not just talking about at night. That room needs to be very dark initially at bedtime, which is going to be more challenging as we get into the summer months here in North America. It also needs to be very dark in the early morning and it needs to be dark at nap time. So if you are walking in your child's room and you are seeing light streaming in or you're able to make the shapes out, it's not dark enough for sleep. You'll need to find a way to make it darker.

Aluminum foil is a great option if you are looking for something cheap and inexpensive and something that you probably have in your home. I LOVE BlackoutEZ window covers if you're looking for something more permanent that looks a little bit nicer. Typically just your regular blackout curtains are not going to do the job because light is still going to sneak in around the edges.

The other non negotiable for sleep environment is white noise. White noise is a great buffer that keeps your child from being disturbed by noises in the house, noises outside, noises from siblings or pets. When we're in a light stage of sleep, it's possible that we hear noises and that pulls us out of sleep. Our brain is always processing stimuli. And if you don't have something masking those sounds, that can disrupt sleep. We also have studies that show us that we fall asleep quicker, we connect our sleep cycles better, and we just have better quality sleep when we sleep with white noise. I love Lectrofan for all your white noise needs!

 

Puzzle piece #2 for better baby sleep

The second puzzle piece that is very important is the timing of sleep. With this one we're looking at: when you're putting bedtime... is it too early? Is it too late? Is it all over the place? Does it correspond with your child's natural circadian rhythm? We're also looking at things like naps... are they taking the right number of naps for their age? Are they taking too many or too few? Are they awake the right amount of time between naps or are they under tired or overtired?

There's a balancing act going on when we're looking at timing of sleep. Here's a free resource that I have linked for you so you can check that out if you need more help on timing and how many naps for your child's age.

If we're trying to put down a child who's overtired, they're not going to go to sleep easier. In most cases, they're going to fight sleep more. If we're putting down a child who's under tired, they're going to fight sleep more too! So if you don't have that timing ideal that can be a lot of the reason behind the sleep issues you are experiencing.

At the same time, if our daytime schedule is off, that is directly connected to our nighttime sleep. A bad day schedule can absolutely cause more night wakings, more extended long wakings in the night, and early morning wake ups. It is all intimately connected (which is why we're talking about a puzzle here).

Puzzle piece #3 for better baby sleep

The third puzzle piece that can make a huge difference is independent sleep. By this I mean your child's ability to fall asleep without outside help without needing things that are outside of their own control. For example, this would be you being able to put your baby down awake and they drift off to sleep. Then that translates to them being able to settle themselves again at night or after a short nap. If they wake up and there's not a need like hunger or a diaper change, they're able to drift back to sleep themselves without having to signal to you. This also means they don't have to wait for you to come in and do your whole song and dance to get them back to sleep.

It also leads to longer naps because when they wake up after just one cycle (which is around 30 to 45 minutes) they're able to go back to sleep and connect and get those longer naps- which are amazing. In fact, studies show us that babies who are put down awake in their cribs and fall asleep on their own sleep longer. They wake less overnight, they take longer naps and in general they just get more sleep than their counterparts who are helped to sleep and then transferred.

I really like to just look at this as giving them a tool in their own toolbox so that they can regulate sleep themselves. This way they are not fully dependent on outside help from you or anyone else to get them to sleep. They have the tools to do that rather than waiting for someone to come and help them with that skill.

 

Puzzle piece #4 for better baby sleep

Now with puzzle piece #3, independent sleep can be hard to get to, especially if you're not really sure what you're doing. And that brings us to puzzle piece #4, which is having a plan that you feel confident in and that you feel comfortable with. I talk to many families on a daily basis who desperately want to be putting these puzzle pieces in order, but they just don't know where to start. They're overwhelmed by too much information. They see conflicting things online and they're just not sure where to turn.

Anytime that they may be have tried to change sleep, they end up getting mixed up and confused. They don't know how to handle certain situations. They don't feel confident that the effort they're putting in and the effort their baby is putting in is even making a difference. So they end up giving up and stop.  If you are going to be making sleep changes, you do not want to be making decisions in the middle of the night- which is the worst time. You don't want to be having to think through specifics.

This is where my sleep course comes into play. My Sleep Coaching Crash Course For Babies is geared toward 4-24 months. Within it I walk you through a plan that you can feel confident in and know that what you're doing is a proven system that works.  If you'd like me to quickly take you behind the scenes of my sleep course so you can see each of the modules that are included in it, head to this link and fast forward to the 8:40 mark. At the end of this video, I even give you a nice $15 discount off my course!

How to have a life with naps... you might be surprised by our advice! We chat about managing expectations for naps on the go, the 80/20 rule, and we give you permission to do whatever works best for you and your family!

 

Relevant product links for napping on the go- https://allthesleeps.com/productsilove/

 

Click here for a quick link to your desired podcast app

Hi everyone and welcome to Sleep Talking Moms. Today we are going to talk about something that I don't know I feel like people get a little riled up about sometimes, but also necessary, very necessary. So yeah, we're going to talk about how to have a life with naps. And you may not like me and Kayla's perspective on this and that is okay. We don't get into this. We're very similar in how we think about this subject. But we know that it is not for everyone and that is 100%. Okay, so if you listen to this and feel like we're psycho, that's that's okay. You don't hurt our feelings. Not at all. And I am kind of sorry that we both came about our how we were gonna handle naps. The same way cuz I would have been much more helpful if one of us was one way or the other was the other but we have open minds about Whichever way you choose to parent just like anything else. So you gotta do it. You got to do absolutely.

 

And I guess just to you know, get the cat out the bag. When it comes to having a life with naps. Me and Kayla err on the side where we would just much rather have good naps and we don't care so much about having a life when our little ones are little and still need lots of naps. So we would 100% Choose sleep and reliable sleep and breaks during the day over being able to go around and do different things and see people and have a social life or have activities. That is that fair. Kayla, would you agree? That is very, very fair. Yes. And if you guys listen to the last episode, you will know that Carianna and I were basically squares our whole life and we sleep so there are a lot of times where we were choosing to not be social because it was a fun time. So we get it honestly. And you know I I know that it gets harder to when you have like when you have more than one child so maybe you have one that's a toddler or older who just has one nap a day at you know one reliable time or maybe they're done napping and then you have the baby who's still on 234 naps and you know, you feel bad like well, I won't be able to take my toddler out and do things I have been there.

 

Okay, well I know your experience has been a little different because that phase for you. With your kids has been during COVID. So you couldn't go anywhere even if you wanted to. Yes, yeah, right. It was kind of a gift. In a weird roundabout way. I'd never like of course, I don't want what's happening to be happening. But to have a little baby and a toddler at the height of the pandemic where we couldn't go anywhere and we were on lockdown. It was like, oh, okay, cool. Well, I guess this is what we're doing. And so our big trips were trips to the farmyard. Which are good trips, good trips. Yeah. Yeah. And when my boys were younger, and Tim was a baby, and Ethan was, you know, in the two to three range. I'm not gonna say that. We never went anywhere for Ethan to do things, but they were pretty few and far between. And I probably waited more until Campbell my younger one was on a to nap schedule. Just because two naps gives you more time in between naps to get an outing and get back home before nap time. So that's kind of our personal experience, but you can absolutely have a toddler and have a baby and do things and still have successful naps. So I don't want you to take away from this, that it's not possible. I do want you to be just kind of cognizant of your individual child because I do find a lot of this is child specific. Some are gonna be super super sensitive to having their nap schedule messed up or to having you know, a nap on the go. They're gonna be really sensitive to that not going to go smoothly. And some parents can just like they know okay, if we have a rough nap day, we're expecting a couple night wakings tonight.

 

So if you find out that that's your kid, it doesn't mean you can't go anywhere but it does mean you're going to want to kind of weigh your options more and decide okay, which is more important to me if I can't have my cake and eat it too. You know, am I gonna choose staying in more to respect these naps or am I gonna choose going out and just accepting you know, the cards I've dealt with because of it. And on the flip side, there are some kids who are so chill and easygoing that they'll have to sign for you on the go if their schedules messed up and they miss an app or two during the day, they're not going to be a rep that night, they're going to be just fine. So you kind of have to experiment a little and get to know your child and know that not all children are the same in this respect. Yes. And we're also kind of giving you guys a free pass to if you feel like I can't handle the stress of not like not going and doing things because my kids sleep schedule is so important. We give you full permission to be a square like if you need that because your stress level is too high juggling all the things that you have to juggle then don't feel like you have to do anything.

 

But also if there are those things that pop up things that you want to do realize that it's you're gonna have a messed up day, and then just resume business as usual. The next and it will it will be okay. Yeah, absolutely. And I have parents a lot ask me, like, if I go out, you know, when we you know, take take my child to the library and we don't get home in time for nap. Is this going to ruin everything and start us back at square one? No, it's not going to ruin everything. Now if I'm specifically working with a family who is going through the sleep training process, I'm going to recommend you don't do those things for a limited period. of time where we are just focused on learning. But after that period of time, you're never going to go all the way back to square one. You may like a well said have a rougher day but it's not going to set you back at zero as far as sleep and every all the routines and habits that you've created for them not gonna start you back at square zero. All right, so like what we've kind of been talking about with like, if you want your cake and eat it too, all of that stuff when it comes to to naps and having a life I've heard of I think I've heard you talk before about the 8020 rule. But what is that?

Yeah, yes, the 8020 rule. And you've probably heard this about other aspects of life too. It's a pretty common phrase. I'm sure our listeners have heard the 8020 rule. When it comes to sleep and naps is 80% of the time. We want to aim for naps in the ideal environment and at the right time. 80% of time, that's kind of our goal. And then 20% of the time if we're off track and the nap has to be in a non ideal environment in the car or in the stroller and at a non ideal time. Maybe they're skipping the nap. That's okay, so we can kind of find that 8020 balance. That's what's going to help them to not be so thrown off by nap disruption and changes that they're miserable but also gives you as a parent freedom to go and do things here and there. And when we do have to have naps on the go, you know, there are definitely things we can do to help improve the quality of those naps. Things like taking white noise with you and you know, if they're in the car seat, you're driving around and they need to be napping, you know, putting the white noise back there by them or I've had parents play it through the Bluetooth system in their car so the whole car is white noise.

 

I also put a blanket in the window to get it to start doing possibly can but that's a good that's a good idea. And another option you can do I don't know if you guys have heard of SnoozeShade it is like a black they make one for strollers and for car seats a cover that so it kind of creates that dark environment that very, very dark environment. So those are good options as well to kind of recreate the ideal environment. I've had a lot of families by this new shade if their schedule kind of makes it so as as they're driving home from daycare, if they have a bit of a commute. They know that that's when they need their third nap of the day to happen is on that drive home. And so they will just always have that white noise in the car. Had their sushi and the child just snaps for that 20 or 30 minute ride home. So definitely things we can do to make naps better on the go.

 

But the other thing I want you to just kind of grab onto and accept is that naps on the go are never going to be as good as naps at home in their ideal environment. And I think we get we get fixated on that like oh I want them to be able to nap while on the go. That's just not how humans are built. I don't know about you okay, what do you nap well in a car as well as my bed? No, yeah, you can do it. And it's better than you know. No sleep, right? Yeah. But yeah, it is not going to be that ideal sleep. It's not going to be as good a quality just like you may not sleep as well in a hotel room outside of your usual house and bed or you may not sleep as well at your in laws house. Babies are the same way. And so we can't expect them to nap to the same level of sleep as they do when they're at home in their perfect environment. And one thing I just want you guys to remember is that this you know having no life or having a life that's disrupted by sleep schedules for kids. Even conflicting sleep schedules for kids. I remember that very well. I remember, you know, like, Ellis would wake up or else would be awake. I put tiny down I put Alice down for his nap. And then my little one would get up and just being like, I don't have a single solitary second to myself this whole day. Probably added some expletives and that's intense.

 

Just like anything else, this is not gonna last forever. At some point your kids are you know, like, my youngest is two now he has one nap. I was in for quiet time. Like at some point it does all kind of come together. They won't have naps forever. So it's gonna suffer a little bit and then it's gonna be totally fine. But you'll have a well rested kid. And hopefully yourself will be you'll be well rested too. So hang in there. Yeah, I think that's a really important reminder. Because when you're in it, you know, it can feel like oh my gosh, I haven't gone anywhere for months, but in the scheme of our child's life. It is such a small, small point in time when we just have so many naps and I remember those days to Kayla, I think the worst is when you have one kid on to naps and the other kid on one nap because there is just there's literally almost no overlap. Yeah, and you're just like nap. Okay, next nap. Okay, next nap and then it's dinnertime and you're like, I haven't. I haven't had any time by myself at all. Yep. Or like you have like 15 minutes between you're like, should I get a quick workout? Should I do the dishes? Should I just sit like yeah, it's not fun. It's not but what happens because of that good sleep can be fun. So it'll get there it'll get there.

 

Well, I hope that this podcast didn't feel like a downer for you if you were hoping for like some quick fix. Yeah, quick because you guys know we don't think quick fixes exist in parenting. I so wish they did but they just don't but I hope that the commiseration helps and just that if you view sleep the same way that we do and you're cool with like, Yeah, I'd rather stay home and just have good sleep. You're not alone. And I will also tell you even though Kayla and I can't relate if you're someone who's like you know what, I just need my baby to be on my schedule. I know plenty of people that that works just fine for so there's no shame in that game either. And be sure guys to stay tuned this week on Instagram and Facebook. I'm gonna be talking more about how to do naps on the go ways to make it work for you. So stay tuned for more info and thank you for joining us. Thank you guys have a good week.

After spending so much time talking about sleep, we thought it'd be fun to get our moms on the podcast and hear their perspectives! We dive into:

-How they handled sleep as parents

-If they faced any unwanted sleep advice when we were babies

-What their perspective was regarding how we handled sleep with our own children

-Their advice for talking to your own mom about your child's sleep situation

 

It was definitely a unique episode and one we enjoyed thoroughly! We hope you enjoy it too!

 

For more resources on handling caregivers and sleep, check out this blog post: Communication your child's sleep needs to caregivers

Click here for a quick link to your desired podcast app

Welcome back to the sleep talking moms podcast. And today we are really excited because we have a special episode planned for you guys. So this was really really fun to do. We got our moms involved in the conversation surrounding baby sleep, their experience of with it, their experiences grandparents with it, and just kind of what it's like to be a mom, and then be somebody is mom who is a mom.

So it's been, I don't know, it was really, really fun. Also very interesting to see how very alike they were despite raising us very differently.

Yeah. So if you guys have any experience with having the tough conversations with your moms about how you're choosing to schedule baby sleep, this might be a really, really good one for you guys. Yeah. So we hope you enjoy it and thanks to our moms for being willing to record with us and I know they were both a little nervous about it. But thank you moms for joining us. Thank you hope you guys enjoy.

Interview with Linda (Kayla's Mom)

I'm excited to introduce you all to Linda Kayla's mom. Linda, do you want to say hi to everyone? Hi everybody. Hi, Mom. Hi, Kayla. We're so glad that you're here and just that you're willing to just talk about sleep and your experiences as a mom and as a grandma and thank you for being with us. Well, thank you for asking me. I'm very happy to share Well, why don't you start by telling us how was Kayla as a sleeper.

I was fortunate enough to have very good sleepers. However, Kayla was a preemie and she was hospitalized. At two weeks old for asthma. And for whatever reason it always happened the middle of the night. Oh, we we have a lot of interruptions for the first couple years of her life until things got regulated a little better. And we got more answers, the older she got.

So I spent many times next to her crib, patting her back or rocking her or, you know, just making sure she was okay and trying to get her back to sleep. Yeah, I can imagine that that was probably very nerve wracking. Since you felt like they did happen. You know that those kind of episodes where she would have issues what happened at night. That that just was hard to handle.

Yeah, it was very scary often, but as far as like a nap, or Kayla has always required a great deal of sleep. And she gets that honestly. She's, you know, she's my kid that on a Friday night would be in bed. By 738 o'clock. Even in high school.

 

She didn't spend the night with very many friends because he couldn't hang on go stayed awake all night long. She required sleep and I was thankful for that much rather have it that way then my opposite. Uh huh. Yeah, yeah, that's very true. Well, let me ask you, Linda, did you feel like your situation how you handled sleep with with both of your girls, did you ever feel judged for the way that you handled sleep?

Or you know, did you ever get like, you know, any pushback from family members or your own mom about sleep or what was that experience? Like?

No, I didn't get any pushback. My mom was a licensed daycare person, pretty much all my life. And so I I followed her lead and when, when my girls were tired, a went to sleep.

When they woke up, they woke up. There were times that I would wake them up late in the afternoon, you know, get them up at a certain time so that they would go to sleep in the evening. They always had a set bed time. You know, between 730 and eight, they were in bed, but you know when they were new babies and when they were toddlers it was just kind of the routine that you know, like breakfast and then play a little and then naptime.

And then you know, get up and have a snack and get ready for lunch and wait for a little while and go down for nap or was never as structured as Kayla was. Or is I was more in tune to you know what the baby was telling me. And thankfully I didn't have trouble all you know, I didn't have trouble with them. Going down and sleeping. If I had I probably would have had a different approach. But they were always good sleepers.

 

And I was following my mom's bleed. So you know, I kind of didn't care what anybody else thought. I mean, that's kind of my personality is that, you know, okay, you had your turn. You. You need to quiet down now. Unless you're asked. Just, yeah. Zipit. Uh huh. Yes, yes.

And I think that is a really good quality to have as a mom, you know, it's one of those things if you don't have that quality naturally, when you become a mom, you kind of have to get you learn it, you know, you kind of get that thicker skin where you're like, I actually don't need anybody else's opinion.

I trust what I'm doing. You were the parent before and now it's it's my turn, you know? Yeah, I think that's a very good quality to have as a mom or to gain.

So let's fast forward a little bit because you you kind of alluded to this already, Linda but do you remember having an opinion about the way that Kayla handled sleep with with her own two boys what she had kids do remember having an opinion and how did you guys kind of approach you know, any difference in opinions there?

I really just took my lead from Kay and she was very structured the whole day revolved around the sleep schedule. You know if that's it, she was not flexible in altering that at all. Kayla's phase right now is Yeah, sounds about right. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. And I was more you know, if they were ready for a nap at 1230 Okay, if they were ready for a nap at one.

Okay, you know, it wasn't that set. But you know, it has worked beautifully for Kayla, you know, the boys are are great sleepers. One thing that I did have a lot of issue with was crying having the boys be in their bed and it's not time to get them up yet. Or if they're not quite ready to go down yet, but it's time so you're going and they would cry and I I just never ever let my girls cry for that long.

I would have gone in and you know, give them an A hug and sang them a song and rock them for a few minutes to settle them down. And but you know, again, that was how I was brought up so I just I struggled with that. It was very hard for me to stay out of the bedrooms when the when the boys were would cry.

 

Yeah. And you're definitely not alone. In that I hear that from a lot of grandparents, especially what I when I work with families and you know, maybe a grandparent watches them on a regular basis or you know maybe in some cases they live with the grandparents and and that there is there does seem to be just that that generational difference there and and I don't know if I'm sure part of it is the way that they handled sleep kind of like what you said that just wasn't how you did it.

I think in other ways, it just becomes harder when you are the parent right? So the grandparents a lot of times get the child when they're on their best behavior. They're excited to be with Grandma, you know, they get all the fun good stuff, and sometimes they get to skip out on the not so fun side. And so I think that makes it can make it harder to Does that make sense?

Yeah. One thing that you know, I'm an early childhood special education teacher. I've been doing this for 20 years. One thing that I think kind of reinforces my my need to not let them the boys cry is because we have so much of a push for social emotional development in the school systems right now and with my my three to five year olds who are developmentally little, it's it's like when siblings fight you know, and you stop being the referee as a parent and you just let them work it out. Well, you know, that's, that's not done in a classroom.

In a classroom. I would intervene. I would talk to each child. We we would, you know, apologize and, you know, shake hands or give a hug or whatever and, and we would work it out. And so, you know, if a child is sad, then you know you you're at that child's side immediately with a book or a teddy bear or, you know, come sit on my lap or you know, something like that.

And with the boys. It's hard to switch gears for me because it's so ingrained in my mind of what I have to do in my classroom. Compared to respecting my daughter's wishes, you know, and letting not that your social emotional needs are not getting met because they absolutely are.

Kayla is a fabulous mom. Ah, but she is she is i i could not be prouder guys, I'm gonna cry. There are times when I see her with the boys or when she sends me a video or whatever, then I want to cry because I'm just so proud of who she's become. But I still have that teacher pull. Yeah,

I'm glad you said that because I hadn't really thought about that. But I mean, it makes total sense. You know, because there is, there is a difference between if you're a teacher or a daycare, provider, you know, a caregiver of any kind. The way that you respond there isn't automatically the same as you know, a mom with her kids. 24/7 is going to respond.

So yeah, thank you for kind of explaining that that that makes total sense in my head. And hopefully that will help anyone else who's listening that may feel you know, like they're in a similar situation. I hope so.

Yeah. Let me let me ask you one more thing, Linda, if you could give any advice for new parents? What what would it be whether it's sleep or or otherwise related, what advice would you have? Give yourself some grace? Because Because infancy and the toddler stages go by in a blink of an eye and you feel at the time. We're so tired, and your house is a wreck and your hormonal and you feel fat that that is all consuming and it feels like that stage goes on for forever. It has. It is so brief.

And I would just say you know, give yourself some grace and above all, you know, find, find joy in that baby, every single day. Even if that baby has cried has had, you know breast milk diarrhea forever. You've changed outfits 20 times the child has not sleep been you just find the joy of wow, I'm here. I get to hold this baby. I get to rock this baby. I get to change this baby 20 times. Yay.

Because tomorrow will be different. They change so fast, so fast, but at the same time, speaking as you know, my five year old has been throwing tantrums today. They also changed so slowly it feels like do how was it both at the same time? I don't know.

 

Interview with Sherry (Carianna's mom)

Alright everyone and I have for you guys, Carrie Anna's mom, Sherry. Hi, Sherry.

Hi, Kayla.

Also, sometimes I may call her my second mom because it was basically what she was for the entire time that I lived here. So you hear either one of those names. It is Sherry. Alright, so you're gonna have to think back but not too far. We're still very young army here. Yeah, no, no. Do you have any or can you share your memories or experience with Carianna and how she slept as a young child, baby toddler age.

I have wonderful memories, because she was the kind of baby and I just remember this this morning. I had six weeks off from work when I had her. And she started sleeping through the night at week number five. So I got a whole week's worth of good sleep before I had to go back to my job. She was one of them to prep. Yes, you later down at 7pm and you woke her? It was it was perfect.

That's so funny because my mom was just saying that I was a sleeper as well. And then that's how Carianna and I continued throughout our entire childhood. into high school all is it any wonder that we have a podcast talking about sleep? Right? It was meant

for us? That's right. That's right. But you know you didn't ask me this question. But something that I thought of was I didn't really know people had sleep issues with their kids. But right before I had her, I found an article just kind of stumbled on one that talks about how babies have to learn to put themselves to sleep. And I really remembered that didn't ever have to put it into practice. But I tried to share that with some of my friends because I had some friends going through terrible sleeping situations.

Interesting. Okay, well that kind of brings me to my next question. Did you have a specific philosophy around sleep? I don't know. I don't I don't some of your life a lot of your life but like you were working. I do like I mean, I've known you forever. I've been alive forever. And you have so much more left to go so much. Did you have any specific philosophy around sleep or was there anything that you asked your caregiver to do in terms of Carianna and her napping and bedtime? Anything like that? That you remember?

You know, aside from that article, I had nothing and my caregiver had been a mother for a lot longer than me. So I just left her in her hands and figured she's probably going to do a lot better job than I am so no I really went into being a mother kind of blind as far as sleep goes.

Oh, wow. So calm.

I'm not sure I was calm but I had Mark to keep me calm. So

no, ah, and then did your mom or do you remember anybody giving you any like comments or anything about how you were handling sleep or really any part of parenting that you can remember I guess if Carianna was just sleeping then people probably didn't have anything to say they were probably just like, cool. You got to sleep.

You know, I remember my mom coming over to see me sometime during my six weeks. And of course Carianna was sleeping I was in the living room writing thank you notes. And she said, wow, everything just seems so peaceful here. I said well, the baby's sleeping the houses clean. I'm getting caught up on my work. Yeah, things are going great. I just kept thinking this. This gig is

really easy. Like where's the catch is there what's gonna happen? What's coming. Alright, so fast forward. Carianna is now a mom. Do you remember having an opinion on how she was handling sleep? Because I know her whole career kind of started from her hiring a sleep consultant when Ethan was four months old. Is that correct? Carianna so there when Yeah, when he was four, we didn't work with asleep consult then but I found a sleep consultants blog and read all the things and was like okay, we're sleep training. Let's do it. Okay, so I'm sure that you remember before sleep training and then after, but did you have an opinion on how she was handling sleep?

Well, it was funny because there was a lot of rigmarole that she was going through to try to get him to fall asleep. And I remember thinking that poor couple if they make it through mean, that scented lotion gave him to relax. And I mean, I could go on and on. But you know the swaddling and they were just trying everything. Out of desperation. So I didn't have that much of an opinion because I felt so bad for Thank you God, but that didn't happen to me

that's hilarious. Okay, so did so you didn't really aside from like, I feel bad that you guys are dealing with us. He didn't really have an opinion on her trying anything then because it was like you do what you got to do. For your marriage and for your child

and for your own sleep. Which was so important to me. Right. And I knew Derek was someone who had a hard time sleeping himself. So it's like between the two of them. They got to get a good night's sleep.

Yeah. And then in what ways did Carrie and I get you on board with her sleep philosophy? Like did you notice a change in how Ethan was sleeping and did that kind of just tell you? Okay, what they're doing is working or did you kind of have to be persuaded?

I did not. Have to be persuaded and I kept him five or four mornings a week. I kept Tim's from like, seven in the morning until lunchtime. So she kept me in the loop all the way because I had to be on board with it. You know, I had to carry on what she was doing at home. I had to do it my house as far as the way she had him going to bed and stuff. So yeah, I was on board with it. I wanted them to find a solution. And I wanted him to get a good night's sleep, a good day's sleep. You know, he was a little bitty baby. And it was just hard to hear. He was struggling so much with it. So I was on board for beginning.

That's so great. Like, not every family has that experience. And so when you say like, oh, I had to go with whatever she was doing for the sake of consistency. That's not how it works for everybody. And so yeah, yeah, both of you are so lucky to have each other kind of work together to make sure that what was best for Ethan was what was happening anymore.

I mean, who wouldn't want that for their grandchild? You know,

right? Yeah. And I she she also put up with a lot for me because when we did sleep train him at four months, we were so scared of going backwards. To you know, he was sleep training all the sudden he started sleeping 12 hours, which we weren't expecting or trying for but it just started doing it. We were so scared of going backwards that I gave her like I would write out an exact schedule for her followed these wake windows. Exactly. Do not put him down for a nap before after like kind of what your mom was saying Kayla I was pretty rigid and very clear in my instructions. And I'm sure she on one hand was like oh my gosh, this girl is crazy. But I just was like this is working and I do not want to miss it.

Yeah, yes. I was thankful to have those rigid instructions. Because I'm kind of i The book person. And if I don't have a book, I'm going to make up my own. And I really appreciated having it all written. down for me. In fact, I told her that I was always in a panic that I would lose those notes. And then what would I do? I mean, how would I take care of him if I didn't have that?

List? That's so funny. It just reminds me when I was having Imre, Nick was gone. He was deployed. And so it was just mother in law and my mom with me. I had a binder of how to take care of Ellis while I was in the hospital, and it was like wake up at this time then this is what you do. This is breakfast and then I would put like what he likes to eat for breakfast and it was like so bad, like, timed. And I just remember my mother in law was the one that was dealing with Ellis. She was like I'm so grateful that I had that I thought I was being annoying. But she was like, This is so great. I was just like, you can't mess up the schedule. You can't mess up the structure. If you do that. Then he's like gonna bring this at home and everything's gonna spin out of control. And so it's just really funny. You think you're being annoying, but here we have two moms that are saying no, give us the notes.

I'm not proud. I know I do not know at all.

That's a great trait to have. It really is. Do you have any advice for new parents when it comes? To speaking to their parents about the decisions that they're making for their children's children, whether it's sleep or potty training, any of those things that you have to do where you're kind of teaching your kid do you have any advice on how they can talk to their own parents? about their choices? Well, I'm

sure it varies from you know, parent to child, but I just had so much faith in Carianna and Derek, that they I mean, they're smart people, they research things they don't go off on crazy ideas. I just fully that what they were doing was the right thing. And I think letting us grandparents know what you're doing is the best thing you can do because as long as we were in the loop, and we were being educated, I never doubted it at all. I just felt really comfortable with it. I think I would have been more at my wit's end. If they hadn't been pursuing a way to to fix this. I would have been really frustrated and worried. And I've learned more through my friends than through my own personal experience, that if you can't work with your kids to help their kids, it's not going to work. If I'm not on board with her it's not going to work. She doesn't have to be on board with me. She's in charge of that child, not me. So I'm ready. It's really me that has to be on board.

And yeah, our moms are saying almost the exact same thing. It's really really sweet. So alright, so to kind of wrap up. First of all, how does beam a grandparent feel? How does it feel to watch your child raise children?

It's the best feeling and I am so proud of my child. And I'm so proud of Derek I could cry. I mean, are better parents than we ever dreamt of being? Because I think they're just more purposeful. We just, I don't know, I feel like when we were having you know, we only had one child but when we were having her it it wasn't really thought through as much all the little things. But these guys are great. They just they know what they're doing. And I feel really lucky that my grandkids are being raised by some really competent people.

Ah, that makes me want to cry. I definitely don't know exactly what I'm doing though. So I just want to clear that up.

You don't have to tell me that. Carianna let me think.

Well, Sherry, you did a really, really great job no matter how you feel about oh, you raised She's amazing. She's amazing.

Yeah, she is pretty amazing. But I know that did not come from us. We are just lucky enough to get to claim. So we get the credit.

There you go. All right. Well, yeah, that's all the questions that I had for you. So thank you so much for being here and for sharing your experience.

Is there anything harder than dealing with newborn sleep? In this episode, Kayla and Carianna commiserate about their experiences with their newborns. Then Carianna shares the top 5 things you need to know about your newborn and how their sleep works. These tips will help you start off with your newborn on the right foot!

 

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Episode 12: Top 5 things you need to know about newborn sleep

Top 5 things you need to know about newborn sleep Hey guys it's Carianna and before you listen to this episode I did want to make a disclaimer. In this episode, Kayla and I share candidly about our newborn sleep journey, as well as sharing newborn sleep tips. And so I felt it was really important to let you know we share some unsafe sleep practices that we ourselves did. I think it's important for us to be open and honest about things we have done, but I also do not want there to be any confusion about what is considered safe, and I am a big advocate for safe sleep so in the show notes I'm going to be linking a blog I have written called Safe Sleep basics that really lines out the basics you need to know. And what I want to leave you with, are following the ABCs, those are the best preventative measures when it comes to safe sleep and to reducing things like SIDS or accidental suffocation and strangulation in bed, any kind of sleep related deaths so A is we always want your child to be sleeping alone in their own space so not with other adults or with siblings or with pads, we want them to have their own space. B is for back so we want to be placing your newborn on their back to sleep and we want them to sleep there until they're able to roll on their own. And then C is for crib or bassinet or play yard or pack and play. Those are the only safety approved sleep spaces for your little ones so we do not want them sleeping on adult mattresses on couches in rack and plays in swings in DockAtot. We don't want any of that stuff because those spaces are not considered safe, and they do increase the risk of a sleep related death, or of SIDS happening so I just want to lead with that disclaimer I hope you guys enjoy the episode. And like I said we really just wanted to be open and honest about our own experiences, but I also want to make sure that I am spreading safe sleep information for you so you can make educated decisions for your family.

Hey mama. This is Carianna and Kayla to best friend moms and your co host asleep talking moms, we know that tackling sleep issues can feel overwhelming and confusing, so we are here to provide you with practical sleep, advice, we want you to walk away from each episode with information, you can actually use. Let's dive in and talk sleep. Top 5 things you need to know about newborn sleep 

Welcome guys today in our episode we are going to talk about newborn sleep, and, oh man, newborn sleep is just a whole other beast, and so Kayla and I, we want to first commiserate with you a little and share some of our own newborn sleep, stories, and kind of what we went through, and then I want to also leave you with, kind of my top five tips for things you can do to maximize your newborn sleep, we're not going to be expecting great things from our newborns as far as sleep is concerned, but there are absolutely things we can do to help them along, and to just help them sleep as good as they're able to in that newborn stage. So, you know, real quick, I would just share when I had my oldest seven and a half years ago, which is crazy to say, I've seen that isn't that crazy, I feel so old and he's getting so old. Oh my goodness, but I just had no, I had no frame of reference for newborn sleep I had done, zero reading or studying up on what was appropriate for newborn sleep, and I just remember coming home from the hospital and thinking that I was going to be able to just set him in his crib, he was going to go to sleep, he was going to sleep, great, because I loved sleep so I thought okay i love sleep, he's gonna love sleep too. And that is, you know, not at all what happened. So I was shocked and I was just, you were really just playing catch up for the next couple months we were in survival mode, just doing whatever we could, and I'm sure as we kind of talk about our own newborn sleep experiences, we're going to probably be sharing some of the unsafe things that we did so, I just want to maybe lead with this disclaimer too that safe sleep happens on a flat firm surface like a crib or bassinet or a pack and play that we don't want to be having kids sleep in poppies, or swings or car seats or DockAtot or rockin plays or anything like that. But we also want to be real with you and share our own experience. So, you know, not gonna, not gonna lie about the things that we did because we are desperate and we understand that when parents are desperate sometimes they do desperate things. So absolutely, Kayla will you share a little about Atlas, when he was born. ls is, he's almost for next month. Oh, and you may be able to hear him in the background. He's playing with playdough. So everyone say hi to Ellis. Um, so I didn't really know what to expect as a new mom, nobody kinds of nobody tells you, lots of things. So, I had no idea what I was up against, but Alice was kind of a special case anyways because he came out of the gate and he had really really awful reflux like projectile was very uncomfortable. He was a very very fussy baby. Top 5 things you need to know about newborn sleep 

And we got to a place where he was only sleeping in our arms, and so my husband and I would take turns on the couch. For the first three months of his life.

We were exhausted. I'm sorry I'm interrupting you, when I came, visited, I don't remember how old he was when I came in, stayed. He was so little, was he just like a couple weeks, or was he was just a couple of weeks and you slept with him the first shift. Yeah, I took a shift on the couch. I don't remember what I think I was watching like the office, and I took like the first hours or so holding him, and I wish we were so grateful because we have not slept in the same bed since we brought home.

But yeah, we were, I was probably like, I would say I know that they make you fill out those, those forms at the doctor's office, but I would definitely say that I was like an undiagnosed postpartum depression because I was exhausted all the time, I didn't resent him, but I was mad that like so many things were different. And I think that honestly I think that some of the reason behind that, aside from, you know raging hormones, all of that stuff was the fact that I was so exhausted, and you get to a place where even the smallest thing is such a big deal when you're exhausted.

And so we were sleeping with him on the couch, we were taking turns, I was breastfeeding I was pumping, and I know a lot of you guys have been here too, it was just hard.

So I was so grateful once he turned four months, we had kind of a rocky start, we did, let him sleep in the rock and play.

I will say though that it was supervised, because I was fearful of SIDS and all of those things that new moms are.

And then, I'm Ray came, my second one. And he was a sleeper. He was pretty good. We had a couple of rocky things with eating breastfeeding, but other than that he was great we could set them down in the crib, and he would go to sleep, for you know, 45 minutes or however long newborns do and then he would wake up and we do the whole barely awake thing and then he'd sleep again.

And it was good. Yeah, that's so nice that you, you know after you had such a rough experience with your first, but then your second was much smoother, that's awesome.

Yes and you know, well now everybody's gonna know my second one was surprised.

And, like I had talked to Carrie and many, many times saying, oh my gosh, could you imagine doing the newborn stage again like can you imagine that and then I'm not even kidding you, it was probably a couple weeks after we had that conversation. And I was just like, well, guess I'm doing it again. Top 5 things you need to know about newborn sleep 

Yes, but he made our family complete so he did this year. Yes, me too and it's, uh yeah I totally I mean I remember that call when you told me you were pregnant with her then you were just kind of like I was done, like, I get back to this mental space of starting over with a brand new baby, but I'm so glad that I'm really is here and is a part of your family. Yes, yeah. Top 5 things you need to know about newborn sleep 

And definitely glad that that you know the second time around you kind of know what to expect. I had already been through a very very bad sleeping experience so chances are it probably couldn't have been much worse.

And so I was just with the knowledge that I had gotten from you.

And just the knowledge of being a second parent and knowing what to expect. I feel like it went so much easier.

Yeah, yeah. And when my second was born Campbell he's five now, when he was born, I definitely, I knew more about sleep I still felt a little clueless about newborns sleep, to an extent. And I really just, I was not in a place to really even work on his sleep when he was a newborn, you know because I very much believe there are gradual simple things that we can be doing and practicing from early on, but if you don't feel like you have the mental energy to do that, you know, sometimes you just don't, don't feel like that and that's really how I felt with him, I honestly, when I had my first son, I was, I went back to work. It's a six week six weeks I was working full time I was working split shifts. So then when Campbell came, I had already just left my job, a couple months before and I naively thought okay this is going to be so much easier this time around because I'm not going to be struggling to pump enough, and breastfeeding is going to be way smoother, and if I'm exhausted it won't matter because I'm not going to work. Again I was naive, and I still you know I struggled a lot with things I struggled with breastfeeding, even though I was with him 24 Seven. Top 5 things you need to know about newborn sleep 

I was still exhausted and not happy about it, even though I didn't have to go to work, doesn't mean you're not working all day trying to keep two humans alive, you know, and yourself yeah myself. Yes, and then I just totally underestimated what it would be like to have a two year old and a newborn home and what all that would entail, you know.  Top 5 things you need to know about newborn sleep 

So yeah, we, we struggled with camp sleep I think probably if I'm remembering correctly his naps were okay, but at night, honestly I got to a point where we just started co sleeping, every night and we just kind of stayed stuck in that pattern until four months and then I sleep trained him so. Not something that if I had a third child, I would want to do things differently this time but yeah that's kind of where we ended up and newborn sleep is just hard. It's hard. So if you're in the newborn sleep stage and you're listening to this or if you're gearing up for it. We're not wanting to scare you, but we also like we very much felt like we did not know how hard it would be beforehand, and we wish we had been warmed, is that, is that right Kayla. Yes, and I mean, just also I mean, for the most part of it that's like you don't know until you're in it, because we can tell you like, you know, You're probably going to be really, really, really tired if you have another kid, you're never going to feel like you're spending enough time with one of them, and you're going through all these hormonal changes and you're bleeding more than anybody ever told you that you were people eating and all of these things and it's hard guys it's hard but if anything we can also tell you that there is another side of it, and you get through it.

And with these five tips that Cariann is going to talk about there's things that you can do to set your newborn up to be ready to sleep train at that four month mark, yes, yes, absolutely, and I will say to that, you know I have a newborn sleep course, and I have many families not every family because this happy every family's experiment experience, but I have many families that go through that course and that implement these very gradual things from the very beginning. And don't ever have to sleep train, because it's just been a gradual part of their little one's life, and I think Kayla that probably lines up a little more with with your experience with eimeria like you guys were just able to set him down earlier so you didn't have a big like sleep training week where you had to sleep train him it just kind of naturally happened as you practiced, yes yeah and we I mean, like I said we were really lucky he was a sleeper. Okay so let's hop into the five things. The first thing that I really want you to know about your newborn sleep, is that they have two stages of when they're a newborn, one stage called the quiet stage, this is their deep sleep so they're going to be very deeply asleep, you're not going to be seeing movement you're not going to be hearing grunting. They're going to be really really asleep, and in fact if you try to wake them up when they're in this quiet stage of sleep. Top 5 things you need to know about newborn sleep 

It may be very hard because they're just that deeply asleep. The second stage of sleep they have is what we call active sleep so this is a lighter stage, they will be moving at twitching, maybe they're kicking or grunting. They may even cry for several seconds here and there, but still technically be in an active stage asleep, so I find that's helpful to know because they may still have their eyes closed and be sleeping, but they're, you know they're moving around and you may think in the middle of the night, oh gosh they're awake, but if we can try to kind of pause before rushing over there may be times that if we didn't pause, we would accidentally wake them up.

So I think that's helpful to know about our newborns. Yeah, actually I didn't know that either. I've known you for how long and I didn't know that there were two different sleep, that they had so that's cool. Yay. All right, so the next one I would say is, remember that they have a very strong, what we call Moro reflex, or a startle reflex. So, this basically they feel kind of like they're in freefall. And so they will jerk, their body, their limbs will jerk, and if they're sleeping when that happens, It's probably going to wake them up. So swaddling is so, so helpful for sleep. You know we want to make sure that they're getting time out of the swaddle that they're getting, you know tummy time eventually that doesn't come right away but that does come eventually as you build that in anytime they're awake, we don't want them swaddled but if they are sleeping and we want them to continue sleeping swaddling is really really helpful to keep them from prematurely, waking themselves up, because of that reflex. The next thing I would say that I want to make sure you know about newborn sleep is that we can be setting a consistent wakeup time for them, which will help their day kind of start to make sense so their day is not going to be predictable by any means for several months. But if we run into this thing where we're not starting their day we're not exposing them to light until 1011 o'clock, maybe even noon, some days that just naturally is going to mean that bedtime is much much later, so I recommend trying to keep it within an hour range, every morning that you're starting their day waking them up, exposing to light, talking to them, doing their first fading of the day, and, and try to have an hour range so maybe that's sometime between seven and eight, maybe that's between eight and nine, or six to seven. But then that means any time before that our worker, if they're awake, we're still going to treat it like nighttime so we want to keep them in darkness, you can absolutely be responding and attentive to them, but we don't want to be super chatty like we may be during the day, we want to be low stimulation low key and that will help help their body as they mature to figure out what's day, and what's night. The fourth thing I want to talk about is to be mindful that their period of being awake during the day is short, so when we're talking about an itty bitty newborn who just came to Earth with us, it's gonna be like, 45 minutes max that they can be awake, and sometimes depending on how slow or fast they eat. That may be the entire time they're feeding, and then it's right back to sleep for their next snack, but as they get older as they get more efficient at eating, you know the eating is going to take up less and less time, but we still want to be mindful of about 45 to 60 minutes of awake time, so that they're not getting overtired, so they're not being overstimulated, and you know this is probably the main thing that I remember doing really well with my second is following those wake windows, I was kind of like clockwork with him, which is why I think naps went better for him, versus Ethan who I was just like, whatever, I don't know, I have no idea when or how much he nabbed I can't even remember at this point but that's the same here I think that wake windows, and then having that wake up time I know that we did that too and there were some days where guys I completely understand it's hard to wake them up when you're like exhausted yourself, and you're like, I have to get him up between six and seven every day, or whatever that timeframe is for you, and you're like buddies sleep be mean, but it really did, it was an investment in the future and future Kayla thanked past Kayla very much for doing that, oh my gosh I talk about that so much with my families when we work with them really whatever age that when we're trying to make changes or we're trying to work towards a goal, you are investing your sleep right now. Because if you're changing things you're not going to get the same amount of sleep that you usually are but you're investing and sacrificing your sleep now. You know, in order to get that better sleep for everyone down the road so it is definitely an investment of that current sleep. All right, the last thing I would recommend is just always being curious about your newborn sleep. So, so often I see it you know one I see that families will rush over and accidentally wake their child when they're really just in an active stage asleep so we always want to pause and be curious, but also sometimes we tend to like, we hear our child, starting to wake in the night and we rush straight to, you know what I would call the big guns so we rushed rushed straight over to rock in the back to sleep, or to feeding them back to sleep without first being curious of, is this something they need, or can they go back to sleep with less help can they go back to sleep if I just go replace the past see can they go back to sleep. If I rest a hand on their chest, you know, a heavy hand, or do they actually is this actually have a hunger waking. So I just recommend always be curious, always pause. Easier said than done because in the middle of the night, you're like, Okay, your brains just telling you do whatever you can, the fastest to get back to sleep. But by pausing and being curious that does set us up for the future to be in a better spot than if we just instinctively react to whatever's going to be the quickest, in the moment. So the last thing I want to mention here, you know after kind of talking about those five tips, I do want to make sure you're aware that I have a newborn sleep course that's online self paced, it's geared towards zero to 12 weeks so if maybe you're expecting or if you are in those first zero to 12 weeks, and you're struggling and you're just looking for some more guidance on how to work through applying some of these things on how you can be curious on how you can gradually learn to lay your newborn down awake. My course is a very low key, low pressure, gradual way to do that and to practice from the beginning so I highly recommend taking a look at that, if this is kind of the stage you're in, and you're struggling, and I will put a link to that in the show notes for you guys. Alright guys, and as always thank you so so much for listening to us and we look forward to talking to you again next week.

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