Baby monitors have become a must-have for modern parents, offering peace of mind and a chance to peek in on your little one without disturbing their rest. (This is my personal favorite right now) Many of these monitors come equipped with a talk back feature, allowing you to speak directly to your baby or toddler through the monitor. At first glance, it seems like an easy way to soothe your child without stepping into their room.

But before you hit that button, let’s talk about why less is often more when it comes to baby and toddler sleep. Here are two reasons why using the talk back feature might not be as helpful as it seems—and what to do instead for better results.

 

Reason #1: It can scare your child

Picture this: You’re lying in a dark room, trying to fall asleep, and suddenly you hear a voice speaking to you—yet there’s no one around. Spooky, right?

For many babies and toddlers, hearing a disembodied voice through the baby monitor can feel just as unsettling. They might not understand where the sound is coming from or why they can hear you but not see you. Instead of calming them, the talk back feature can create confusion or even fear, making it harder for them to settle down.

Young children thrive on connection, but that connection is often strongest when it’s face-to-face. If your child needs comfort, consider physically going into their room instead of relying on the monitor. A reassuring touch or your calm presence can be much more effective than an unfamiliar, out-of-context voice.

 

Reason #2: It sets an expectation for immediate responses

Using the talk back feature can unintentionally create a new sleep challenge: the expectation that every time your child stirs, they’ll hear your voice right away.

This can quickly lead to a cycle where your child begins to wake more frequently, expecting interaction each time. While it may seem harmless at first, it can escalate into a habit where your little one starts "chatting" with you through the monitor during the night, rather than self-settling back to sleep.

Consistency is key to helping children develop independent sleep skills. When you avoid the talk back feature, you’re teaching your child that nighttime is for rest—not for conversations, negotiations, or back-and-forth interactions.

 

What to do instead

If your child truly needs comfort in the middle of the night, it’s better to go into their room and soothe them directly. A brief visit where you calmly reassure them with your presence and words can work wonders without adding confusion or creating new habits.

A few tips for in-person reassurance:

• Don't rush right into their room. Instead pause, listen, and see if they can resettle without you first. Delaying gratification is key with habitual wakings.
• Keep the lights dim or off to maintain a sleepy atmosphere.
• Use a gentle, soothing voice to reassure them.
• Keep interactions brief to avoid overstimulation.

This approach not only provides the connection your child needs but also gives them the space to fall back asleep without, build confidence in being alone in their room, and helps reinforce healthy sleep boundaries.

 

Need extra support?

If you’re looking for additional tips and resources to tackle bedtime struggles, I’m here to help! Check out my Toddler & Preschooler Sleep Resources here and find my various free and paid resources designed specifically for children aged 2 to 5. Together, we can sort out those sleep woes and get your family back on track for peaceful nights! 

 

 

 

Do you and baby need a sleep change? As a parent, it's not uncommon to hit a rough patch when it comes to sleep. If you’re noticing some unusual behaviors in your baby or feeling more exhausted than usual, it might be time for a change. Here are four signs that you and your little one need to reassess your sleep strategies:

 

Sign #1: Fighting falling asleep

Does your baby seem to resist sleep more than ever? If they’re fighting the act of falling asleep, it’s a sign that their current sleep habits may no longer be working. Babies who lack independent sleep skills often feel like they need your help to fall asleep. This reliance can lead to frustration, both for you and them, especially as they grow older. Your attempts to help them might have actually become too stimulating, making it even harder for them to settle down. If your child is resisting against you, this is a big sign that they are showing you they need more independence- not more help.

Little ones who are taught to fall asleep on their own in their cribs no longer feel the need to fight falling asleep or get overstimulated by your assistance. They learn to become comfortable in their boring, sleep environment and regulate their own sleep needs.

 

Sign #2: Frequent night wakings

Night wakings are a normal part of sleep for all humans, but if your baby wakes frequently during the night, it’s crucial to assess why. Without the tools to resettle back to sleep on their own, your baby may end up fully waking, crying out for you, and needing help to get back to sleep. Imagine how frustrating that is for them! This cycle can leave both of you feeling worn out.

Sometimes babies may wake frequently but easily fall back asleep once you tend to them. These wakings, while not necessarily taxing on your little can add up for them throughout the night, depriving them of precious sleep. These wakings are obviously a lot harder on you because you may not be able to fall right back to sleep as soon as your baby does. Others may wake and then have  a really hard time going back down- even with help from you. This could look like not being able to be transferred back to their crib without popping awake again or just treating night wakings like playtime and being ready to party!

Children who have independent sleep skills are able to fall asleep on their own, will still have night wakings- they may still need a night feed! But you will know that their wakings are for an actual need (feeding, sickness, etc.) and not just because they are awake and don't know how to fall back asleep.

 

Sign #3: Short naps

Are you finding that your baby’s naps are disappointingly short? If you feel like you spend an obscene amount of time trying to get them down for a nap, only to have them wake shortly after, it’s a sign that something needs to change. Some parents find themselves resorting to contact napping just to get any sleep at all, which can be exhausting and leave you feeling trapped every single day. Or maybe your little one will take a nice long nap but it requires a ton of work up front to actually get them asleep and successfully transfer them. If you've got another little one at home, this can feel even more overwhelming as you're trying to navigate caring for multiple children.

Children who are independent sleepers have the tools in their toolbox to lengthen their naps. When they get through one sleep cycle (roughly 30-45 minutes) they are able to resettle and continue into the next sleep cycle on their own, leading to 1-2 hour naps throughout the day!

 

Sign #4: Generally tired and crabby during the day

If both you and your baby are feeling tired and cranky during the day, it’s time to acknowledge that your current sleep situation isn’t working. It’s important to remember that this isn’t a reflection of your abilities as a parent or a sign that you’re doing anything wrong. It simply means that the habits you’ve built around sleep are no longer serving you.

When you pass the baton to your little one and teach them how to regulate their own sleep instead of being 100% reliant on you, they will learn to get the sleep they need (and that means you get the sleep you need as well)!

 

Ready for a change?

If you’re nodding your head in agreement and thinking, “Yes, that’s me!”—it might be time to reach out for support. Having a clear plan can make all the difference, and working with a sleep coach can help you feel more confident and calm throughout the process.

With the Classic Consultation you can get accessible sleep help to confidently sleep train without all the second guessing! Imagine doing your bedtime routine, kissing your baby goodnight, walking out of the room + knowing that your baby will sleep long stretches at night and both of you will wake up feeling refreshed!

 

So if you're ready to stop feeling stuck, it's time to own your hard, commit to change & better sleep, and head over to check out the Classic Consultation today: https://allthesleeps.com/sleep-plan

Not everyone needs to sleep train. It's not for every family and that's 100% okay! But if you (or someone you know) desperately needs a sleep change but is stalling on sleep training, keep reading. Add some tough love into your world that will help you address your baby's sleep issues without the BS that can cloud our thinking.

 

 

You can sleep train your child AND maintain a secure attachment

I know this myth is prevalent out there but it is simply not backed by the research. In fact, research has shown that sleep training has no effect on attachment (and 1 study even showed a positive effect on attachment)!

 

You can be responsive to your child during the whole sleep training process

No, you don't have to shut the door and stay out until morning. You're still responding to your child, you're just responding differently in order to give them the opportunity to learn a new skill. When I work with families, some even prefer to stay in the room during the whole process and that is okay! It still works as long as we aren't always swooping in and doing the hard work for the child.

 

You'll be surprised how much MORE in tune you'll feel after you've sleep trained

It's true! I hear this from parents all the time. They are better able to distinguish when baby is sick or not feeling their best. Sleep training really helps you tune into what your baby's different cries mean. And in fact, your sleep trained child will still call out for you at night when they need you. It's just that with sleep training you're teaching them to regulate their sleep so they don't need you for it throughout the night (or after short naps).

 

Your child will cry as a result of sleep training but this is NOT the end of the world

Crying is not a fire that needs to be put out. It's communication. And it's 100% okay for your child to communicate that they don't like the change. Our job as parents is not to stifle any uncomfortable feelings for our child. It's to be there, to support them through those feelings, and teach them that they can get through the uncomfortable stuff.

 

 

 

Did you need to hear this tough love? Walk to chat more and see if sleep training is the next right step for your family?

Let's chat!

Recently, I had a call with a mom and she expressed to me that if we worked together, her husband wouldn't be available to help with night wakings because he had to go to work during the day and she didn't- she just stayed home with the kids. Plus she had been handling all the night wakings to this point because she exclusively breastfed so there was nothing her husband could do anyways. 

 

This mom was also *drowning* in sleeplessness and desperately in need of help. She spent much of the conversation on the verge of tears because of her sleep deprivation and how much she felt she was failing as a new mother.

 

I wish I could say that this was a first for me but unfortunately I talk to moms who feel this exhausted and frustrated and without help all the time. 

 

I want to share my tips for how your non-nursing partner can help with night wakings but first, I think we need to talk about the fact that this goes way beyond breastfeeding. Even among families who use formula, there is an overwhelming number of stay at homes who “just” stay home with the kids so they become the default night parent.

 

Furthermore, there are plenty of working moms who also find themselves in the position of being the default nighttime parent simply because they are women.

So yeah. I have a little soapbox I need to get on for a quick moment, and then we will proceed with the tips below:

First off, let me lead with this (so I'm not misunderstood and so I don't come across as judgmental) ⤵️

 

👉If you and your partner have communicated and decided on a night solution that works for both parties, then it's not a problem if one parent is in charge of most night wakings.

*Full disclosure, when my second son was a newborn, I was in charge of night wakings and my husband slept in another room for a bit.*

But here's why it worked:
✨I wasn't drowning in sleeplessness. Was I tired, yes. Was I at the end of my rope at that time? Not even close.
✨ We talked about it. If I had not been comfortable with that set up, I would have objected and we would have come up with a different plan.
✨ It wasn't assumed that just because I was a stay at home, I should be the one in charge of night wakings. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

Stay at home moms, I need you to hear this: Staying home with the kids and keeping them alive and thriving is a FULL👏TIME👏JOB. Your partner working out of the house all day is not an excuse, in and of itself, to leave the nighttime parenting all on your shoulders! Full. Stop.

 

Working moms, I need you to hear this: Being on shift all day AND all night does not have to be your default! Your partner can help with nights too. I don’t care if they have to be up early for work or if they stay up too late working. They can handle night wakings too.

We cannot be afraid to open communication with our significant others and get help. Parenting doesn’t have to be a perfect 50/50 split but roles DO need to be discussed and understood and compromised and appreciated.

Maybe they don't know how much you're drowning. Maybe experiencing a night or two of what you're going through would incentivize them to help you form a plan for better sleep. 🤷‍♀️ But let's stop taking it upon ourselves to be the martyrs without asking (or demanding if it comes to that) help from our partners.

👉Also, I'll throw this in because it's a thought in my head as well... I am breaking generational cycles that have been passed down. Where the women are expected to do all the parenting and the men are expected to bring home a paycheck. I am *SO* happy that my boys will grow up seeing that their Dad is just as much their caregiver as I am. 💗

 

Anyways! Onto the tips for ways non-nursing partners can help you with night wakings…

Being a nursing mother does not have to mean you’re handling all the night wakes without help.

 

Tip #1 Split shifts at night

Typically babies can go their longest stretches of sleep in the first half of the night. So have the non-nursing partner take the first shift and handle any wakings. Then the nursing mom can be on shift for the second half of the night. You can even split things up more and have the non-nursing partner back on shift in the early am when baby might just need to be held/rocked to sleep an extra hour or so and let the nursing mom sleep in.

 

Tip #2 Split night waking duties

When baby wakes for a feed, the nursing mom can go tend to baby and feed it. Then, if the baby struggles to go back down right away, the non-nursing parent can tap in at that point and stay up until baby is asleep. This can really help the nursing mom cut down on her awake time during the night, especially if your child has trouble going back to sleep after feedings.

 

Tip #3 Opposite night waking duty split

When baby wakes for a feed, the non-nursing parent can go get the baby, change diaper if necessary, and bring the baby to mom. This will give mom a chance to set up for the feeding or spend a few extra precious minutes resting before breastfeeding.

 

Tip #4 Non-feeding wakings handled by non-nursing partner

Some babies will wake often at night, but it’s more of a habit/lack of independent sleep skill issue than a hunger issue. In these wakings, where the baby doesn’t nutritionally need a feed, the non-nursing parent can handle 100% of these. The nursing mom really only needs to be involved when the waking is out of hunger. Pro-tip: start this from a young age! It’s not unusual for babies to develop preferences to nurse/pacify back to sleep but if the non-nursing partner is handling half the wakings, it really helps to avoid this. Babies who are used to only being settled by mom and nursing, will struggle to accept comfort from the other parent. This is something you have to work at so mom doesn’t become a human pacifier.

 

Tip #5 When other children are involved...

The non-nursing parent can be in charge of any other children who are regularly waking or randomly waking at night. Depending on how you decide to split up duties, the non-nursing parent may also be in charge of bedtime for other children and handling early morning wakings as well. Like the last tip, this isn’t something that will come easily or naturally if you haven’t implemented it from day 1. But I promise you, it is worth it! Your kids deserve to see that both parents can tend to them and care for them and love them. And the nursing mom deserves to have a partner that is willing to put in the effort and help her!

 

Moms, if you're struggling with your own sleep, check out this podcast episode I recorded last year. Episode 27. Ten sleep tips for moms.

 

Yup, I'm saying it. Drowsy but awake doesn't work for most families. 🤷‍♀️

 

Right off the bat I know that there will be someone commenting that they successfully implemented drowsy but awake - and I'm happy for them! But after talking with thousands of parents, I can tell you it does NOT work for most little ones.

 

Let me explain why first:

 

Reason #1 drowsy but awake doesn't work:

Getting a baby drowsy and then transferring them to their sleep space is no easy feat! Most little ones will pop right awake and then lucky you! You get to start the whole ordeal all over again. How fun (not)!

 

Reason #2 drowsy but awake doesn't work:

I've also noticed that when repeated unsuccessful transfers happen, the child starts to anticipate and fight drowsiness. They are making the connection that once they let go and relax, you will set them down. They don't want this so they resist sleep even more. The opposite of what we want! 

 

Reason #3 drowsy but awake doesn't work:

The other issue with drowsy but awake is that it often doesn't fix the root problem. Maybe you can lay your little one down drowsy but does it help with frequent night wakings, early mornings, and short naps? Probably not. Your child will still need you to come get them to a drowsy state before they'll go back down.

 

Reason #4 drowsy but awake doesn't work:

Using drowsy but awake becomes less and less effective with age and alertness. It *can* be helpful in the newborn stage but after that it becomes more elusive. And eventually your baby becomes a toddler who becomes a preschooler and along the way it just stops working. These older kids will especially fight falling asleep because they are smart and if they decide they don't want to sleep, they know how to resist and stall.

 

Reason #5 drowsy but awake doesn't work:

Lastly, drowsy but awake is honestly just impossible to gauge! Seriously, what does it mean? What does it look like? I'd probably get 50 different answers if I asked this question. It's very very subjective which makes it difficult to use and implement.

 

 

So what do I recommend instead? Laying down *fully* awake!

 

Besides the fact that it's just way easier to even know what 'awake' means and looks like, there are several other reasons why it just makes sense- especially if you're struggling in the sleep department!

 

Reason #1 to lay down fully awake

It keeps your child from being jolted awake in a new place. Aka, it’s not a bait and switch. Imagine falling asleep in your bed and waking up on the kitchen floor... yikes! That's often how our children feel when we snuggle them to sleep and then they wake up all alone. This is really jarring and can make it even harder for them to fall back asleep.

 

Reason #2 to lay down fully awake

It gives your child the tools to connect their own sleep cycles. Listen up, we ALL have biologically normal night wakings. ALL of us! As adults, we've had lots of practice falling right back asleep when we wake. But our children may not have the tools to fall back asleep without signaling for help. By laying them down awake we are giving them the opportunity to hone these skills. This makes a HUGE difference when it comes to false starts at bedtime, unnecessary night wakings, early morning wake ups, and short naps.

 

Reason #3 to lay down fully awake

Getting drowsy becomes less effective over time. As children grow and develop, they can become harder to settle and put to sleep. It's also not unusual for your presence to become too stimulating for the process of falling asleep. A child who is resisting your help and fighting sleep is another reason to work on laying them down awake. If your “help” isn’t actually helping them, then maybe they are signaling to you that what you’re trying is not actually helpful.

 

 

As far as logistics go...

✨I recommend making sure baby is fully awake during the entire bedtime routine

✨Then lay them down at the right time and in the right sleep environment

✨Have a sleep coaching method you feel comfortable with and apply it while they adjust to the change!

 

Need a little more help navigating this recommendation?

First up, let me introduce you to my Sleep Coaching Crash Course For Babies. It's an affordable sleep course for overwhelmed moms who want to stop *stressing* about sleep and actually start sleeping again. This course is an online, self-paced course that teaches you all about how to sleep coach (and lay down awake) in the crib. It sets up a day-by-day plan for teaching independent sleep so you can stop second-guessing yourself every step of the way. This course is specifically geared towards 4-24 months. It's like having a trusted sleep expert right by your side.

 

Now, you might be thinking, I can purchase a course but will I actually have the confidence and motivation to follow through with it? If you feel like you'd benefit from more accountability and 1:1 support, that's where my 1:1 Consultations come in. These are designed specifically to give your the clear plan & calm support that you need as we work towards better sleep for your little one. I provide 3 different levels of phone & email support so you can choose the option that makes the most sense for your unique family. These consultations are a game-changer, trust me!

 

You may or may not know but my family has had 2 bonus kiddos with us over the past year. And with that has come new experience and insight into sleep disordered breathing.

 

Both of our bonus kiddos have been through sleep studies and eventually tonsillectomies and adenoidectomies. This led me to realize that it's been a while since I've discussed red flags for sleep breathing disorders.

 

So let's dive in! These are things to be on the lookout for with your child:

 

Sleep disordered breathing red flag #1: Snoring

Snoring may seem innocent or even cute in little ones, but it's important to recognize that it is not normal sleep behavior. In fact, it can be a red flag for underlying sleep breathing disorders in children.

 

Snoring occurs when there is a partial blockage or narrowing of the airway during sleep. It disrupts the smooth flow of air, leading to vibrations in the throat tissues and the characteristic snoring sound. While occasional snoring can be benign, persistent or loud snoring should raise concerns.

 

When you notice your child snoring during sleep, it's crucial to take it seriously. These behaviors can be signs that your child's airway is not functioning optimally, which can impact their sleep quality and overall well-being.

 

Sleep disordered breathing red flag #2: Mouth breathing

Does your child frequently breathe through their mouth instead of their nose? While occasional mouth breathing is normal, persistent and predominant mouth breathing can be a red flag for sleep breathing disorders in children.

 

Breathing through the nose has several important functions. It helps filter and humidify the air, promotes proper development of the facial structures, and aids in optimal oxygen uptake. When a child consistently breathes through their mouth, it suggests that their nasal passages may be obstructed or that they have difficulty breathing through their nose.

 

Mouth breathing during sleep can disrupt the natural airflow and affect the quality of your child's sleep. It may lead to increased snoring, dry mouth, and even daytime fatigue. Additionally, chronic mouth breathing can impact facial development, potentially leading to a long face, high palate, and dental abnormalities.

 

Common causes of mouth breathing in children include nasal congestion due to allergies, enlarged tonsils or adenoids, or structural abnormalities in the nose or airway.

 

Sleep disordered breathing red flag #3: Open mouth posture

Have you noticed that your child's mouth tends to hang open, even when they are not speaking or eating? This observation could be an indication of an underlying structural issue related to their airway and should not be overlooked.

 

An open mouth posture, where the mouth remains partially or fully open throughout the day or during sleep, can be a red flag for potential sleep breathing disorders in children. It is important to pay attention to this habit as it may suggest an obstruction or difficulty in maintaining proper airflow.

 

When the mouth is constantly open, it can lead to inefficient breathing and contribute to sleep disturbances. The position of the jaw and tongue can affect the openness of the airway, potentially leading to snoring, disrupted sleep patterns, and decreased oxygen levels during the night.

 

Sleep disordered breathing red flag #4: Head tilted back & chin up

Have you ever noticed that your child sleeps with their head tilted back and their chin lifted upwards? This position, although seemingly innocent, can actually be a sign that your child is attempting to open their airway to improve their breathing during sleep.

 

When a child adopts the head tilted back and chin up posture during sleep, it indicates that their body is instinctively trying to increase the airflow into their lungs. This positioning aims to alleviate any obstruction or blockage in the airway and ensure an adequate oxygen supply.

 

While occasional changes in sleeping positions are normal, persistent head tilting and chin lifting during sleep should not be overlooked. It could suggest the presence of sleep breathing disorders, such as obstructive sleep apnea or other forms of airway obstruction.

 

Sleep disordered breathing red flag #5: Exhaustion despite lots of sleep

It can be puzzling and concerning when your child consistently sleeps for an adequate duration, yet wakes up exhausted, exhibits dark circles under their eyes, or displays other signs of fatigue. This paradoxical situation could be indicative of underlying sleep breathing disorders affecting the quality of their sleep.

 

Sleep disordered breathing can disrupt the normal sleep cycle and prevent your child from experiencing restorative sleep. Despite spending enough time in bed, their sleep may be fragmented and shallow due to repeated awakenings or disturbances caused by breathing difficulties. As a result, they wake up feeling tired, irritable, and lacking energy.

 

If you observe these signs of exhaustion despite your child's seemingly sufficient sleep, it is essential to recognize them as red flags for potential sleep breathing disorders. 

 

Sleep disordered breathing red flag #6: Unresolved tongue ties

Tongue ties can be a controversial topic when it comes to sleep breathing disorders in children. While the association between tongue ties and sleep issues is a subject of ongoing debate, it is worth considering their potential impact, especially when coupled with other red flags we've discussed.

 

An unrevised tongue tie refers to a condition where the frenulum, the tissue that connects the tongue to the floor of the mouth, is tight or restricts the movement of the tongue. This restriction can affect various functions, including proper resting posture of the tongue at the roof of the mouth.

 

When a child has an unrevised tongue tie and exhibits red flags such as snoring, mouth breathing, open mouth posture, or other sleep breathing disturbances, it is plausible that the tongue tie may contribute to their breathing mechanics and overall sleep quality.

 

The tongue plays a crucial role in maintaining the structural integrity of the oral cavity and ensuring proper airflow. When the tongue is unable to rest in its optimal position, it can impact the size and shape of the airway, potentially leading to breathing difficulties during sleep.

 

While the direct causative relationship between tongue ties and sleep breathing disorders is not fully established, it is advisable to consider the potential relationship between these factors. In some cases, revision of the tongue tie may be recommended to improve tongue mobility and restore correct oral posture. However, it is essential to approach this decision in collaboration with healthcare professionals who can assess your child's specific situation and determine the most appropriate course of action.

 

Whew! Now if you've noticed several of these red flags in your child, there's no need to panic.

It's important to have a conversation with your pediatrician and an ear, nose, and throat (ENT) specialist to gather more information and ensure your child receives the necessary evaluation and support. 

 

Your child's healthcare team may recommend further evaluations, such as a sleep study or imaging tests, to gather more detailed information about their sleep disordered breathing. These diagnostic tools can help identify the underlying causes and guide the development of an appropriate treatment plan.

 

Treatment options for sleep disordered breathing in children vary depending on the specific issues identified. They may include lifestyle modifications, allergy management, removal of adenoids or tonsils, orthodontic interventions, or addressing tongue tie concerns, if applicable.

 

For a more in-depth exploration of this topic, you can refer to my Instagram story highlight, where Dr. Staci Whitman provides valuable insights. While I'm not an expert, I've gained knowledge through my sleep background and personal experiences. Feel free to reach out if you have any questions or concerns!

 

While I am NOT an expert by any means, I do have some peripheral knowledge on this because of my sleep background {and now I have some experiential knowledge from our experiences this past year}, so feel free to shoot me an email if you have any questions or concerns!

Do you find yourself offering your baby a feed every time they wake up at night, even though they have shown that they can go longer without one? This may be a sign that your baby is experiencing reverse cycling.

Reverse cycling is a term used to describe when a baby starts waking more frequently at night, for various reasons such as sleep regression, teething discomfort, new skill development, or needing a schedule tweak. (I see this occur a lot right around the 4 month sleep regression especially!)

As a result, parents tend to offer a feed at each waking, even when their baby has shown that they can go longer without one. This can lead to a weird distribution of calories, with the baby eating more at night and less during the day. It can also result in more difficult day feeds due to a lack of hunger and distraction.

 

If you find your baby stuck in reverse cycling, here are some tips to break out of it gradually:

+ Be sure that you are not using a feed to initially get baby to sleep at bedtime. How they fall asleep is often how they will expect to fall back asleep when they inevitably wake at night.

 

+ Start to gradually decrease the amount you offer overnight. You can decrease the number of ounces or minutes of nursing at each overnight feed.

 

+ Or you can hold off on a feed and help your child get back to sleep in a different way (holding, rocking, patting, etc).

 

+ In addition, you could try sleep training to give your child the skills they need to re-settle themselves back to sleep instead of being reliant on a feeding to fall asleep.

 

+ Most of all, it's important to understand that you cannot break out of this cycle by just offering an un-hungry baby more food during the day. You must also start to slowly decrease the amount of feeding at night too.

 

If you are not currently experiencing your baby reverse cycling but are worried about getting stuck in it in the future, here are some preemptive steps you can take:

+ Pay attention to what your baby is capable of as far as night feeds go, and hold them to it.

 

+ If you have an off night or go through a regression, avoid adding in extra night feeds that your baby has shown they do not need.

 

+ Teaching independent sleep skills is another great way to help your child handle their night wakings without needing intervention from you. This teaches them to regulate their own sleep instead of being dependent on you to do it for them.

 

In conclusion, if your baby is experiencing reverse cycling, it is important to take gradual steps to break out of the cycle. By decreasing the amount of feeding at night and teaching independent sleep skills, you can help your baby get back on track with their sleep and feeding schedule.

Need more help navigating this process? I help tired moms who are overwhelmed by conflicting sleep advice to confidently sleep train. And I do it by providing a sleep training course that is clear, concise, and affordable. Check out my Sleep Coaching Crash Course For Babies here.

Have you heard of the 4 month regression? My guess is, if you're reading this blog- you probably have. 🙂

I find parents usually fall into one of two categories:

Either they've heard about the 4 month sleep regression and they've been just waiting for and stressing for when baby's sleep will get worse...

Or they didn't know anything about the 4 month regression until sleep started going downhill.

 

When I was a first time mom, I fell into the second category. I had never heard of the 4 month sleep regression and so when my baby's sleep went from bad to worse at 4 months- I was shocked! After scouring the internet to find out why my baby was waking every 45 minutes at night and why he was suddenly so much harder to get to sleep at night, I stumbled across a blog about the 4 month sleep regression. My eyes were opened and the next stage of my life began! Lol. To read more of my personal sleep story, click here.

In this video and blog post I'll be teaching you what actually happens during the 4 month sleep regression as well as some do's and don'ts for navigating your way through the 4 month sleep regression.

 

 

Don't

Don't assume this regression will happen at exactly 4 months. It can actually start anytime between 3 and 5 months of age. Also, don't assume you might get lucky and "skip" this regression.

 

This 4 month sleep regression is different from other regressions in that it marks a permanent change in your baby's sleep cycles. This means everyone will go through it! The severity of it will be dictated by your baby's current sleep habits, how well rested they are, their temperament and other factors.

 

Do

Do look for these signs that your baby is going through this 4 month sleep regression:

• More frequent night wakings (baby may be waking as often as every 45 minutes during the night)
• Short naps (you may find your baby is waking consistently right at that 30 minute mark- and still tired and crabby)
• Difficulty falling asleep initially (if you used to be able to get your baby to sleep and then transfer them, this may cease to work)

These are all signs that your baby could be hitting their 4 month sleep regression. And obviously with all of these comes frustration and over-tiredness (from you and your baby). That's why this regression can be such a doozy!

 

Don't

Don't add in extra night feeds just because your baby is waking more frequently at night. If your baby has shown you that they are capable of going longer stretches at night without feeding, don't start adding in a bunch more feeds simply because they are waking.

I see parents do this a lot during the 4 month sleep regression. They assume that because baby is waking more, they must be hungry or going through a growth spurt. But what usually ends up happening is what we call reverse cycling.

Baby starts taking in more calories overnight because extra feeds are offered... then baby is more distracted and uninterested in eating during the day... this leads to a hungrier baby at night... and the cycle continues.

Another thing to keep in mind about growth spurts: you will notice an increase in hunger 24/7, not just at night.

 

 

Do

Do give your child space to settle in the night and if they don't start by offering less help and work your way up. We don't want to jump straight to the "big guns" to comfort and soothe if we can help it.

If your baby is waking more frequently in the night because of the 4 month sleep regression and fussing or whining, it's okay to give them space until they become distressed. They may just show you that they can go back down on their own!

If they become distressed and start crying, then I recommend going and offering soothing. It's best to start with the least amount of intervention (soothing words, shushing, your presence) and then work your way to more intervention (patting, rubbing, replacing pacifier, picking up to settle then placing back down again) as needed. If they still need more help to calm down and fall asleep, then you can switch to the most intervention (rocking and holding til asleep).

By working our way through this ladder slowly, we give them lots of chances to practice some independence and we can hopefully avoid adding in a bunch of extra sleep habits that aren't sustainable long term.

P.S. If you've got a newborn, my Newborn Mini Course walks you through how to use this ladder from the start.

 

 

Don't

Don't assume that sleep will magically go back to the way it was before the 4 month sleep regression. As I mentioned earlier, this regression marks a permanent change in your baby's sleep cycles.

They no longer have sleep cycles like a newborn- which is comprised of quiet and active sleep. Instead their sleep is now consisting of 4 different stages and there is more cycling in and out of lighter stages of sleep.

So it's not unusual for the poor sleep that happens with the 4 month sleep regression to continue until parents make some sleep changes. Because of the increase in lighter sleep, your baby just has more potential for wake ups! And with that, your help will be needed more and more often each time they wake.

We can change that by giving them the tools to fall asleep on their own- that way they won't be disturbed and need outside help at each and every waking!

 

Do

Do use this as an opportunity to sleep train your baby and teach them independent sleep skills. If you're struggling with their sleep during the 4 month regression and you're also ready to make a change, now's a great time to sleep train!

I often have parents ask me if they should wait until after the 4 month sleep regression is over before they sleep train, but as we discussed, this sleep regression doesn't "end." It's a permanent change to your baby's sleep cycles so if you are waiting for the regression to "end" and your baby's sleep to get better before you sleep train... you'll be waiting awhile!

 

Feeling overwhelmed?

If you feel like you might be ready to start making sleep changes but you're feeling really overwhelmed about where you can even begin... Here is a link to my scheduler so we can talk through your situation and see if we'd make a good fit to work together.

 

Are you ready to get your baby sleeping in their crib and get your bed back? If so, this blog is for you!

Families start co-sleeping for all sorts of reasons. Sometimes it's planned, other times it just sort of happens out of desperation. Either way, most parents reach a point where they no longer want to co-sleep and are ready to have their bed back.

Let's dive in to talk about four tips to stop co-sleeping and teach your child to sleep in their crib.

 

 
 

Tip #1

Make sure that you and your partner are on the same page. If this tip is applicable to you, you need to talk about it. You need to talk about your plan, why you're doing it, how you're doing, etc. You both need to be committed to the process too.

A lot of times families will just "try" to see how it goes. But because this isn't going to be finished in one night, they end up giving up after "trying" for a night and wind up feeling more hopeless than before.

So don't underestimate how big of a change this will be for your child. The more prepared you are beforehand, the more successful you will be!

 

Tip #2

Make your child's crib a familiar space. Here's a couple different things you can do to prep your child for the end of co-sleeping and help them feel more used to their new sleep space:

• Wear your child's crib sheet in your shirt for an hour or so before bed. That way when you place the crib sheet on the mattress, it will smell like you. You're child is used to having your strong scent as they sleep so this can be comforting to them
• Spend time during the day in your child's room and in the crib. Play peekaboo together between the crib slats, do tummy time in the crib, place baby with some toys in the crib while you do laundry right next to them. Make it fun and laid back!
• Consider using a heating pad to gently warm up the crib before bedtime since your child is used to falling asleep next to a warm body. If you do this, make sure you remove the heating pad before placing baby in the crib AND make sure it is not too hot to the touch. 

 

Safety considerations:

Now on the flip side, while we want to familiarize your child with their crib, we do not want to make their crib like a bed. We do not want to add pillows or blankets or DockATots (more on DockATots here). Items placed in the crib for sleep are not safe and you should avoid these things. A bare crib is best. Click for more details on Safe Sleep Basics. I know you will be tempted to add things to the crib because that will feel more like the bed they are used to but the risk is not worth it. Your child will learn to adapt without all that extra stuff.

Tip #3

When we are first starting to get your child used to their crib, I know it's so tempting to start at nap time. But don't do that! If your child has rarely slept in their crib, you are going to want to start at bedtime.

Their drive to sleep is so much lower during the day than it is at bedtime and overnight. Their body is producing melatonin (our sleepy hormone). They actually have a surge of melatonin at bedtime and that is going to help them accept these changes more easily. Their body will just be more primed for sleep.

So always start with these changes at bedtime. Not nap time. Got it? Bedtime, not nap time. 👍 Okay, good.

 

Tip #4

Now if the idea of starting at bedtime and having your child spend all night (10 to 12 hours) in their crib is daunting to you... don't look at it that way. You don't have to start with it being all night at once.

Instead set a time each night that you're going to make your child stay in their crib until.  Then push it later every night until they're spending all night in the crib. It doesn't have to be all or nothing right away. You can gradually step into it if that feels a little more comfortable for you. Maybe this looks like:

 

Now, on the flip side, let's also not drag this out so that it's taking weeks and weeks until your child spends a full night in the crib. That is just going to cause frustration and more angst for your baby. Over the course of two to five nights your child should be spending all night in their crib. Try not to go past five nights. At that point, you're not going to actually be doing them any favors because of the inconsistency of the message you are sending them.

Still struggling?

If you feel like you have tried these tips and you are still struggling to keep your child in their crib, it could be that you are missing the most basic piece of the puzzle: Independent sleep skills. If your child does not know how to fall asleep on their own, then it's important to know it is natural for night wakings to happen. As long as your child doesn't know how to fall back asleep on their own, those night wakings are going to persist.

Currently, when they wake up, all they're thinking is "When I fell asleep I was in mom's arms," or "I was laying next to dad," or "I wasn't in here all alone." So they don't know what to do and they end up calling out for you.

If that is a piece that you are missing, then you may be ready to do some sleep coaching. Here's where my step by step Sleep Coaching Crash Course can come in handy! In this course I walk you through the process of sleep coaching with my day by day plan that I've honed over the last 8 years of working with clients. With many families, this next step of sleep coaching and teaching independent sleep is the best and most basic way to get your child out of your bed so you can stop co-sleeping.

 

Starting to sleep training may feel like the next right step. But if you're not ready... it's not going to be pretty. I'm going to walk you through my sleep training readiness checklist so you know if you're ready for this big transition. But before we jump into this readiness checklist, let's talk about what reasons you would have for wanting to sleep train in the first place.

 

WHY you might choose to sleep train

The number one reason that I see people wanting to sleep train is that their current sleep habits are unsustainable. Maybe your child needs to be bounced 50 times on the yoga ball before they fall asleep. And you know you cannot continue doing that day after day, month after month, etc. That may very well be a reason to sleep train for you.

Another reason that you may choose to Sleep Train is if you know your child is suffering. They're just not getting the sleep they need and they are struggling as a result.

Another very valid reason may be that your child is content and happy but you yourself are struggling. You are not getting the sleep you need and you are not able to be the parent you want to be. Again, this is a very valid reason to choose sleep training.

Sometimes children are resisting the help that you are providing to sleep. Maybe you've been nursing your child to sleep for months and months and it's been going great with no issues and now all of a sudden your child is resisting. Either they're not falling asleep or they are falling asleep but as soon as you try to transfer them, they're waking up. That may just be your child fighting this help to fall asleep. In cases like this, until we make this change and teach them to fall asleep on their own, they are going to continue to struggle. This would obviously be a very good reason to choose to sleep train too!

This last reason probably goes without saying but if you are experiencing lots of night wakings, early morning wakings, or short naps. Sleep training can absolutely help to improve those sleep issues.

 

So now that we've talked about why you might sleep train let's jump in to that readiness checklist:

#1 How old is your child?

Now contrary to popular opinion, there is not a magical age where you can suddenly sleep train. But the way that we handle sleep and the sleep training process is absolutely going to differ if we're talking about a newborn or a baby or a toddler or preschooler. So while I am not saying that you cannot sleep train a newborn, I am saying that we're going to approach it very, very differently.

And in fact, if we're talking about a newborn (anyone under the age of three to four months) we are going to be taking things very, very slow, and very gradual. It is all about just practice and exposure, but not expecting a ton out of our newborn. We're not going to do full-on hardcore sleep training with our newborns, but we absolutely can work towards better sleep habits from day one. In fact, I have a mini course all about how to set a healthy foundation like this from day 1!

If you were looking for official sleep training, and wanting to move a little quicker than a snail's pace, you will want your child to be above three to four months of age before you begin.

#2 How do you feel about your current sleep situation?

I mention this because sometimes parents feel like all this outside pressure to change their sleep situation. But really deep down inside, they don't want to change anything. And that's okay! Not everyone has to or needs to sleep train!

You only need to sleep train if you are unhappy or don't feel safe or don't feel comfortable with your current sleep situation. So do a little deep dive into what you really think. And if you are really ready or your family is really ready, then it may be time to sleep train

 

#3 How do you feel about your child expressing emotions about the changes you will be making

Okay, let's just say it! There is going to be crying during the process and that is just unavoidable. I'm not a big believer in the "no cry" sleep training options because I just don't know many children that that would actually work with. I feel like it's more of a marketing ploy. It is normal and natural for your child to be frustrated with any type of change you're making, whether we're talking about sleep or otherwise, and the way they express their frustration is usually through crying.

So how do you feel about that? Are you comfortable with that?

When I work with families, I use a range of methods to help them learn to sleep on their own. Some methods they use may be very hands on (in the room the whole time, comforting the whole time) while other methods may be more hands off (leave the room and then come back and check in and leave again). So there's a range here of how you can respond. But none of these options are going to guarantee that your child won't have emotions and that they won't express them. You need to do a little digging about how you feel when it comes to emotions and decide if that's a deal breaker for you.

#4 Are you on the same page as your partner?

If you have a partner, you need to be on the same page before beginning. When you're going through this process, it is going to be a process that is not going to be easy breezy and you need someone who is going to support you. Someone who is on your team and helping you stick with your plan.

If you have someone instead who is undermining you or who just doesn't understand what you're trying to do then you need to get them on board beforehand. It is very hard to make these big changes if you don't have that support.

Sit down and have a 1:1 chat with them about what you are struggling with and how you feel. And let me tell you a trick. If your partner is not currently involved in the sleep process (if they're not handling most of the night wakings, if they're not handling most of the naps) AND they're against sleep training, pull them in to help more. After they realize what you are dealing with on a daily basis and they walk a mile in your shoes, they will be much more open to talking. So have that heart to heart.

 

#5 Are you ready for it to get a little bit worse before it gets better?

I know this may be a very tough pill to swallow because right now you're thinking, "Can it get worse than it is right now? It's terrible." But yes, it is temporarily going to get worse as you start the sleep training process. It will get infinitely better when you get through it.

If you just don't have the bandwidth right now to deal with that, maybe this is an especially stressful time at work or maybe you have another child at home that is struggling, that's okay. You can always revisit later when you have more time and energy to sleep train. But just knowing that it will get worse before it gets better helps you be more prepared for the process.

 

#6 Are you ready to devote a chunk of time to the sleep training process?

It is not going to be over within a day or two. Unless you have a magical unicorn baby (most of us don't).

You need to have two weeks minimum set aside to make these changes. Maybe it goes a lot quicker than two weeks. That would be great. But if it doesn't, we need to be prepared. You want to be able to make your child's schedule your number one priority for this period of time. And you want to be able to have them in their ideal environment as much as possible during that two week time. We don't want to be gone for a bunch of appointments or traveling or having visitors over (who may not be supportive of your sleep training process). Look at your schedule. See where you can mark out two weeks or as close to two weeks as possible to address these changes.

 

Feeling overwhelmed?

Now if you feel like you might be ready to start but you're feeling really overwhelmed about where you can even begin... Here is a link to my scheduler so we can talk through your situation and see if we'd make a good fit to work together.