A common concern I hear is: "How do I teach my baby to fall asleep without my help?" The answer, "Sleep coaching!"

Now, there is WAY more to sleep coaching than just the sleep coaching method that you use but I thought it would be helpful to share my run down of the different options.

A couple important notes

1. You can absolutely sleep train on your own if you read all the things, are confident in what you're doing, and can hold yourself accountable. That's what I did with my oldest!

2. There is no sleep coaching method that is truly tear-free. In fact I think it's really unfair to expect that or to "market" that. A method that is truly tear free is either V E R Y slow & you're looking at months of small changes or you got lucky with a baby who's temperament is extremely easy going. If crying is holding you back, I highly recommend reading this article by parenting expert Janet Lansbury AND checking out my myth buster post about sleep training being damaging.

3. There is a lot more that goes into sleep coaching than just the method so I am not an advocate for just putting a baby down and letting them cry if we haven't looked at the situation holistically first.

4. The specific sleep coaching method you choose actually has very little to do with success. I've used all these methods successfully. What counts is your follow through and consistency!

 

If you’ve come to the conclusion that you need to do some sleep coaching with your child, this post is a nice overview of your options. 

 

Ok, let’s get down to business.

Here is a continuum of several popular sleep coaching methods

As you can see, the methods I'll run through below range from very hands on to very hands off. Wherever you choose to hop in is just fine!

Crib-side Soothing

Works best for babies under the age of 6-8 months but can be overstimulating for babies over this age.

This method requires that after laying your baby down awake you step back from the crib and listen. If/when your baby cries, you can go to them and offer comfort while they stay crib-side. You can even pick up after a couple minutes if the aren't calming with the crib-side comfort. Once your baby has calmed in your arms then you lay them back down (while still awake) in their crib. These steps are repeated over and over until the child falls asleep.

Pros: This is a very hands on method and allows you to be right there the whole time as your child figures this new thing out.

Cons: Can be very tiring, can take the longest out of all the methods, parents must be able to remain calm and not anxious around baby.

 

Chair Method

Works best for 8+ month olds. I also like this method for toddlers, especially if you are transitioning from your bed to their own or if you usually lay with your toddler as they fall asleep.

This method allows you to stay in the room in a chair next to the crib/bed. You can provide some brief comfort to your child but they are still in charge of putting themselves to sleep. Every couple of nights you move the chair further and further away from the crib until you are out the door!

Pros: This method allows you to be very hands on at first and then work your way towards hands off as your child gets more used to sleeping without you.

Cons: Can take longer since you have to work your way out of the room, requires the parent to not become frustrated or anxious while they wait for their child to fall asleep.

Check Ins

Works best for children who are 2+ years in age. Not recommended for babies.

The point of this method is to start with frequent, quick checks on your child that gradually space out. These checks happen whether the child is upset or not. The frequency and consistency help toddlers and preschoolers because they come to trust that these checks will happen and it allows them to relax and fall asleep versus thinking of ways to get you back in the room. These checks typically are spaced out as so: One at 30-45 seconds, one at 60 seconds, one at 1.5 minutes, one at 2 minutes, etc.

Pros: Can be very calming for anxious children once they figure out what is going on, can turn into a fun nightly ritual!

Cons: You will need a way to keep your child in their room if they are currently in a bed, this can be very labor-intensive the first few days so you'll need the time set aside for these checks.

 

Quick Checks

Works best for babies over the age of 4 months and can be used up to several years of age depending on your situation.

This method requires that after laying your child down awake you leave the room. You only return to provide brief and boring reassurance at set intervals. Depending on the approach you take, it could be consistent intervals or progressively longer intervals. This method gives your child the space to turn inward for self-soothing while also assuring them that you are still right there.

Pros: Quicker approach than previous methods. allows parents to deal with other children while sleep training (for example if Mom is home alone during the day, she can still watch her other children while nap training).

Cons: Mom and Dad have to feel comfortable with leaving the room as their child is crying

 

Extinction

Works best for families who want to see very quick results and for children over 6 months of age.

With this method, you would put your child in their crib or bed awake and leave the room. You would not return until time for their overnight feeding or morning if they no longer feed overnight.

Pros: Very quick results (usually 2-3 nights), some children will respond best to no parent in the room and no checks if you've tried checks and they just seem to rile them up and drag out the process.

Cons: This is not a good method for every family and not one that I typically use with my clients unless they request it.

Alright, there's your run-down of sleep coaching methods! I hope this was helpful for you to see the options out there. Also, know that while these are the "popular" methods, I tend to mix and match them together as it suites my clients, their needs, and their goals!

Imagine this with me:

Your baby has been getting into a sleeping rhythm. You can almost predict when he will wake from his naps, how long it will take him to fall asleep at bedtime, and what time he will wake at night to feed, if at all.

Then, out of nowhere, his sleep gets all messed up and before you know it, he is barely napping, taking forever to fall asleep at bedtime, and waking every hour overnight!

Has this scenario happened to you before? I've just described what a sleep "regression" can feel like. Why the quotations around regression? I'm glad you asked!

Changing our mindset

First, I'm giving you a challenge. I challenge you to look at sleep "regressions" in a positive light. None of this, "Oh, woe is me. My baby is going through a sleep regression."

Instead why don't we think, "Wow! My baby is learning new things and developing new skills. And, although his sleep is being temporarily thrown off, I'm so glad my baby is progressing!"

To be honest, a lot of people don't even use the phrase sleep regressions anymore, they instead call them sleep progressions.

Now that we have our attitudes right about sleep "regressions," lets talk about how to get through them!

My #1 mantra for getting through any sleep regression is:

Don't start anything you don't wish to continue

What does that look like when applied practically? Here are some examples!

1. Have a 3.5 month old that has been sleeping long stretches at night for a while but suddenly is waking every hour? Don't start feeding them every hour unless that is something you want to continue doing.

2. Have a 10 month old who is standing in their crib at nap time instead of laying down and sleeping? Don't go in repeatedly to lay them down unless you'd like to continue doing that over and over.

3. Have an 18 month old going through separation anxiety and not wanting you to leave? Don't start staying in their room until they fall asleep unless you'd like to continue doing that long term.

4. Have a 2 year old who is fighting their naps? Don't give up nap time unless you are really ready to give it up completely.

 

I know, I know. Some of these might sound harsh but I can tell you from experience that this is where I see parents get tripped up. Let me play the above scenarios out a little more so you can see what commonly happens:

1. That 3.5 month old started waking every hour and the parents worried it was some kind of growth spurt so they started feeding for EVERY SINGLE WAKING. Now, their baby is taking in a majority of their calories overnight, they are uninterested and distracted eating during the day, AND they now associate falling asleep with needing a feeding.

2. That 10 month old kept popping up when Mom would lay him down. Mom enters the room probably 10+ times each night to lay him back down, but to no avail. Finally, Mom gets sick of it and decides to just hold him until he's drowsy before laying him down to avoid the pop up dance. Now he has grown to expect being held to sleep and if Mom wants to stop, she'll have to do some re-training.

3. The 18 month old experiences some separation anxiety and cries for Mom and Dad as soon as they leave the room. Instead of lovingly pushing the child through this stage, the parents decide to stay in the room and hold the child's hand until they fall asleep and then sneak out. Eventually, the child becomes fearful of when Mom and Dad will leave the room and starts fighting sleep because of it. Then, a month later, even though the separation anxiety phase is gone, the hand holding is now expected by the child each night and any subsequent time they wake overnight.

4. The 2 year old went on a nap strike (which is VERY normal) so Dad stopped making nap time a daily occurrence. The toddler learned that if he fought it enough he wouldn't have to do nap time and miss out on all the fun Dad was having in the afternoon. Now the 2 year old is no longer napping and it is meltdown city come 5pm each and every day.

 

*Before we move on, I want to be clear about what I'm NOT saying. I'm NOT saying that you have to ignore your child or that you can't offer comfort when it's needed. You CAN do those things! Just be mindful of how much you are helping and what your child has been capable of up until this point. Try not to over-help and always be curious about what is the least amount of help you can offer so that their sleep isn't totally derailed during these "regressions."

What ages do sleep "regressions" happen?

Depending on where you look, you may see that sleep "regressions" happen at lots of different points throughout your baby's life. Each regression is usually linked to different milestones, both physical and mental, that your baby is working on and obviously some babies reach these milestones at very different ages.

Below is a breakdown of when sleep "regressions" may occur but remember these ages can vary greatly. These sleep "regressions" can last anywhere from 1-6 weeks.

4 Months

Your baby's sleep is changing to become more adult-like at this stage. He is also becoming more alert and engaged in the world around him so previous methods of rocking to sleep become more and more ineffective as time goes on.

Unfortunately, this sleep "regression" is a more permanent fixture as your baby's sleep is not going to return to what it was like as a newborn. Now is the time to start thinking about sleep coaching if you haven't before. This particular regression is a doozy and in fact, I've written an entire blog about The Dreaded 4 Month Sleep Regression.

6-7 Months

This is around the time that your baby is learning to sit up and possibly crawl. If your baby is sitting up in their crib but not able to lay back down by themselves, give them lots of practice during their wake times! And if you must go in and help them during sleep times, guide them to the right position rather than just picking them up and laying them down yourself.

Solid foods are often started at this point as well and that can lead some poorly timed poops and constipation in some cases. Take the introduction of solids slowly to avoid constipation. If your baby poops during a nap or overnight, try to change them with as little stimulation as possible (keep the room very dark, avoid eye contact and chatting, and then put them right back in the crib). If they continue to poop with bad timing, experiment with feeding at different times or trying different foods to see if you can adjust their pooping times.

8-10 Months

Separation anxiety can rear its ugly head at this age which makes leaving your baby at sleep times especially heart wrenching. Stay consistent with your routines and your baby will gain confidence and security from the familiar patterns.

Get extra snuggles during the day but avoid over-helping at night. Your child might also start pulling themselves up to standing in their crib. Avoid the pitfall of repeatedly laying them down over and over. If they can't lay down themselves, practice, practice, practice during the day! Also, read my blog on Separation Anxiety for more helpful tips!

12 Months

Separation anxiety can also occur at this age for some babies. Language is really developing here, and you might hear your baby laying in his crib and babbling for hours if you let him.

At this age, parents often make the mistake of assuming their child is ready for just 1 nap, when really they probably aren't ready. Making that transition to 1 nap too soon will just cause more issues down the line as the over-tiredness catches up.

Keep offering your 2 naps consistently and within a week or so, your baby should settle back into their routine.

15-18 Months

This "regression" can center around several transitions. Your baby is probably walking around this age, and they are learning that they can say, "No."

This new defiance is rough, but stay firm with your sleep expectations and they will stop resisting once they understand you are serious.

This is also the age that a 2-1 nap transition should occur and it can take several weeks to make this transition. If you'd like help to guide you through this big nap transition, reach out to me and I can tell you about my Nap Transition Package!

2 years

Toddlers are really good at testing boundaries as well as having FOMO. Nighttime fears can also start cropping up now where they haven't before.

All of these factors combined can lead to bedtime and nap time resistance. Your 2 year old is NOT ready to give up their nap, even though they might go through a period of resisting it.

Likewise, avoid giving in to multiple bedtime requests for water, re-tucking, etc. I've also outlined an entire blog post about how tricky Toddler Sleep can be so check it out if you're struggling here. 

 

Ummm, that's practically my baby's whole first 2 years of life?!

I know that looks like a LOT of sleep "regressions" so before you freak out... Not every baby will be affected by every sleep "regression."

Additionally, babies who are on a consistent schedule with consistent expectations and healthy sleep habits will be less bothered and better equipped to handle any sleep "regression."

 

Hope this was helpful and don’t forget, for children who are independent sleepers already, I offer troubleshooting calls so that you don’t have to go through this alone!