Let’s play a little game: 1 Truth and 1 Lie!

1. When you sleep train, your baby just learns to shut down. ❌
2. Shutdown syndrome is not real. ✅

If you’ve heard the term “shutdown syndrome,” you’re not alone. Many parents fear that sleep training will lead to their babies emotionally “shutting down.” That they'll only stop crying in their crib because they think no one is ever coming. However, I’m here to tell you that this misconception couldn’t be further from the truth!

 

Understanding sleep training

The reality is that when you sleep train, your baby isn’t “shutting down” at all. Instead, they are learning a crucial skill—how to self-settle and fall asleep independently. This process can involve tears as your baby learns this new skill, but crying is a natural part of mastering something unfamiliar. Of course they are going to have some feelings about you making sleep changes and crying is simply their way of expressing themselves. With the right approach to sleep training, you're not causing emotional harm; rather, you’re helping your baby learn how to soothe themselves in a healthy and supportive way.

 

Why shutdown syndrome is a myth

Let’s break down the idea of “shutdown syndrome” further. If this phenomenon were real, we wouldn’t observe sleep-trained babies engaging in typical behaviors like:

• Calling for their parents during the daytime: Sleep-trained babies still seek their parents when they need comfort, attention, or simply a playmate. If they were truly “shut down,” they wouldn’t signal for their parents at all.
• Waking and signaling for necessary night feeds: Many sleep-trained infants still wake during the night for feeds when needed. If they had given up hope that their cries would elicit a response, they would likely stop communicating their needs altogether.
• Experiencing sleep regressions: Sleep regressions are a common part of a baby’s development. They may struggle to fall asleep and stay asleep during growth spurts or developmental milestones, but this behavior shows that they are still very much engaged with their surroundings and learning.

In fact, any mom of a sleep-trained child will attest that the scenarios mentioned above continue to occur even after successful sleep training! This demonstrates that the emotional connection between parent and child remains intact and that the baby is not shutting down but rather developing autonomy. For more nerdy science and research about sleep training, check out this blog where I cite several sources.

 

The benefits of sleep training

Instead of worrying about “shutdown syndrome,” focus on the incredible gift you’re giving your baby: the ability to regulate their own sleep! This skill will not only help them sleep better but also contribute to their overall emotional well-being as they grow.

Sleep training can feel daunting at first, but with the right tools and mindset, it becomes a positive experience for both you and your baby. They will learn that it's okay to express their feelings while also mastering the skills needed to fall asleep independently.

 

Ready to get started?

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by the idea of sleep training, fear not! My Sleep Coaching Crash Course For Babies is designed to provide you with straightforward, effective strategies to help you navigate this process confidently. Together, we’ll make sleep training a positive experience for both you and your little one, setting the foundation for healthier sleep habits that last a lifetime. 

Remember, your baby’s sleep journey is a learning experience for both of you, and with the right support, you can help them thrive!

 

Want to work more on your relationship with tears?

Check out my 3 Day Free Crying Challenge here and be sure to check out my other blog post (and YouTube video) about crying here. If you are ready to work with a professional to help you make sustainable sleep changes for your little one... Here is a link to my scheduler so we can talk through your situation and see if we'd make a good fit to work together!

 

As parents, we often feel an instinctive need to intervene when we hear our child cry. It’s almost like a reflex—our hearts race, and we leap into action, ready to put out what we perceive as a fire. But what if I told you that crying isn’t a fire that needs to be extinguished immediately? Instead, what if crying is simply a form of communication from our little ones, expressing needs and emotions that require our support rather than a quick fix?

 

The nature of crying

Crying is a natural and important part of childhood. It serves as one of the primary ways our babies and toddlers communicate their feelings, needs, and discomforts. When we treat crying like a crisis, we risk missing out on valuable opportunities to connect with our children and understand their emotional landscape.

It’s understandable why crying can be so unsettling. As parents, we instinctively want to protect our children from discomfort, which can lead to the knee-jerk reaction to immediately intervene. However, this response can unintentionally convey to our children that their feelings are not valid or that they need to be "fixed." Done repeatedly over the years it can also keep our children from having to feel and work through discomfort in life and lose valuable practice at coping with uncomfortable situations and feelings.

 

Reframing our perspective

One of the most significant hurdles parents face when working to improve their child’s sleep is the fear of crying. Many parents hesitate to pursue sleep training or changes in bedtime routines because they dread the tears that may accompany those changes. But here's the truth: crying does not always signify a problem that needs to be solved.

In fact, learning to embrace crying as a natural part of development can help us approach parenting—and sleep challenges—with a fresh perspective. Just because I'm a sleep consultant does not mean I enjoy making children cry! My goal is to help parents navigate these emotional moments with understanding and compassion.

By reframing our view of crying, we can start to see it as a normal emotional expression rather than a disaster. Instead of feeling the pressure to “fix” the situation right away, we can approach our children with empathy, recognizing that sometimes they just need our support as they navigate their emotions.

 

Support through the tears

When a child cries, it can be a moment to pause and reflect. Ask yourself what your child might be trying to communicate. Are they tired? Overstimulated? Seeking comfort? Are they simply upset because they are struggling with this new and hard thing? By tuning in to what they might be saying, we can better support them in the moment.

Instead of rushing to soothe the tears away, consider offering comfort without trying to eliminate the crying (or the problem). You might sit with them, provide gentle reassurance, or simply hold their hand. This approach not only helps validate their feelings but also teaches them that it’s okay to experience and express emotions, even when they’re difficult.

 

Embracing the journey

As parents, we have the incredible opportunity to guide our children through their emotional experiences. Embracing crying as a natural part of life—rather than a fire that needs to be put out—can lead to healthier emotional development for our little ones.

This shift in mindset can be especially beneficial during sleep challenges. Instead of viewing crying as a signal of failure, we can see it as part of the learning process. When we allow our children to express themselves, we foster resilience and emotional intelligence that will serve them well throughout their lives.

 

Finding balance in parenting

Reflecting on my parenting journey, I wish I had known these tools earlier. Embracing the reality that crying is not a fire to be extinguished, but a natural part of emotional development, has profoundly changed how I approach parenting and sleep.

So, the next time you hear your child cry, take a moment to breathe. Instead of rushing to stop the tears, consider how you can support them through this emotional moment. It might not always be easy, but together, we can learn to navigate the complexities of parenting and embrace the beauty of our children’s emotional experiences.

 

Want to work more on your relationship with tears?

Check out my 3 Day Free Crying Challenge here and be sure to check out my other blog post (and YouTube video) about crying here. If you are ready to work with a professional to help you make sustainable sleep changes for your little one... Here is a link to my scheduler so we can talk through your situation and see if we'd make a good fit to work together!

 

"Won't sleep training hurt my attachment?" This is a very common misconception about sleep training so I'm happy to clear it up and provide specific research.

 

First things first, from the research we have on sleep training, there have been NO negative effects on attachment found. Could we do with more research? Always!

Now, let’s dig into the research that we do have:

 

Attachment & sleep training research article #1

In 2016, Gradisar used a randomized controlled trial to study the effects of sleep training. Researchers followed up with families 1 year after sleep training to gather data. No significant differences were found in attachment between the children who were sleep trained and the children who weren’t sleep trained.

 

Attachment & sleep training research article #2

In 2012, Price used a randomized controlled trial as well. Follow up was conducted with families 5 years after sleep training. Again, no significant differences were found in parent-child relationships between the children who were sleep trained and the children who weren’t sleep trained.

 

Attachment & sleep training research article #3

Another randomized controlled trial conducted in 2004 by Eckerberg found that before sleep training, the sleep-disturbed children were rated as *more* insecure than a matched comparison group with unknown sleep behavior. This difference was eliminated after the sleep training interventions. Therefore, infant attachment and security seemed to *increase* after sleep training.

 

Attachment & sleep training research article #4

Jodi Mindell, a leader in the field of sleep training and psychology, reviewed 13 different studies on behavioral intervention for issues in 2006. Here is a direct quote from her research:

“Adverse secondary effects as the result of participating in behaviorally based sleep programs were not identified in any of the studies. On the contrary, infants who participated in sleep interventions were found to be more secure, predictable, less irritable, and to cry and fuss less following treatment.”

 

Attachment & sleep training research summary

Main things I want to point out from the research noted above:

 

→Randomized controlled trials (RCT) are the gold standard in research. Gradisar, Price and Eckerberg are all RCTs.

→When comparing those who were sleep trained with those who were not, we find no differences in long term attachment outcomes.

→In fact, a review of several studies actually shows a positive effect on attachment!

 

But what about the cortisol study? I’m so glad you asked! Let’s take a look…

 

Middlemiss attachment & sleep training research

In 2012 Middlemiss conducted a study measuring cortisol during the sleep training process. Cortisol is the stress hormone that our bodies produce. Babies were sleep trained in a hospital setting by nurses. Both mom and baby’s cortisol levels were measured on days 1 and 3. Mom and baby’s cortisol levels were correlated on day 1 but not on day 3. From this, they theorized that mother’s and infant’s cortisol levels were not in sync which could mean a weakening in their attachment…

 

However, there are many issues with this Middlemiss study:

→There was no control group to compare the data to.

→There is a significant lack of data that was collected. Why were cortisol levels only recorded on days 1 and 3? Why not day 5 (as the study was still being conducted at that point)?

→Not only was there a lack of data, we also have to grapple with the fact that these babies were not in their usual, safe environment and they were sleep trained by complete strangers. Comparing this clinical setting to sleep training at home with a trusted caregiver is like comparing apples to oranges.

→Finally, the cortisol results are not indicative of harm. Mother and baby’s cortisol levels being out of sync does not mean that attachment has been harmed. There is zero research to back up this claim.

 

Bottom line is... there is no research that shows sleep training harms attachment. On the contrary, we have some research to show it can improve attachment!

 

As always, sleep training is a very family-dependent decision and no one outside of your immediate family should be pressuring or making that decision for you. If you choose to sleep train, great! If you choose not to sleep train, also great! Neither way is right or wrong. 

 

 

Ready to tackle your current sleep issues? I'm here to offer a solution. 

Look no further than my affordable Classic Consultation:

With the Classic Consultation you can get accessible sleep help to confidently sleep train without all the second guessing! Imagine doing your bedtime routine, kissing your baby goodnight, walking out of the room + knowing that your baby will sleep long stretches at night and both of you will wake up feeling refreshed!

 

So if you're ready to stop feeling stuck, it's time to own your hard, commit to change & better sleep, and head over to check out the Classic Consultation today: https://allthesleeps.com/sleep-plan

Not everyone needs to sleep train. It's not for every family and that's 100% okay! But if you (or someone you know) desperately needs a sleep change but is stalling on sleep training, keep reading. Add some tough love into your world that will help you address your baby's sleep issues without the BS that can cloud our thinking.

 

 

You can sleep train your child AND maintain a secure attachment

I know this myth is prevalent out there but it is simply not backed by the research. In fact, research has shown that sleep training has no effect on attachment (and 1 study even showed a positive effect on attachment)!

 

You can be responsive to your child during the whole sleep training process

No, you don't have to shut the door and stay out until morning. You're still responding to your child, you're just responding differently in order to give them the opportunity to learn a new skill. When I work with families, some even prefer to stay in the room during the whole process and that is okay! It still works as long as we aren't always swooping in and doing the hard work for the child.

 

You'll be surprised how much MORE in tune you'll feel after you've sleep trained

It's true! I hear this from parents all the time. They are better able to distinguish when baby is sick or not feeling their best. Sleep training really helps you tune into what your baby's different cries mean. And in fact, your sleep trained child will still call out for you at night when they need you. It's just that with sleep training you're teaching them to regulate their sleep so they don't need you for it throughout the night (or after short naps).

 

Your child will cry as a result of sleep training but this is NOT the end of the world

Crying is not a fire that needs to be put out. It's communication. And it's 100% okay for your child to communicate that they don't like the change. Our job as parents is not to stifle any uncomfortable feelings for our child. It's to be there, to support them through those feelings, and teach them that they can get through the uncomfortable stuff.

 

 

 

Did you need to hear this tough love? Walk to chat more and see if sleep training is the next right step for your family?

Let's chat!

Whether you have a little baby or a preschooler, you may be experiencing tears at bedtime right now. As frustrating as it is, I want to encourage you that this can be totally normal and there are several reasons WHY your child may be feeling some big emotions come bedtime.

Let's look at 4 things they might be telling you with their tears...

 

Reason #1 why baby cries at bedtime:

"I'm overtired."

Is it possible you missed their window before bed and accidentally kept them up too long? Or did they have a pretty crappy nap day? That window before bed can be pretty sensitive so if you are noticing lots of crying at bedtime, try pulling bedtime 15-30 minutes earlier and see if that helps!

Your child is struggling with sleep (night wakings, fighting sleep, short naps, cranky & overtired all the time, etc). You can accept that this is where you're at right now and embrace it. This will be temporary. Some day your child will sleep better. You can choose for this to be your hard and go with it. Accept it and stop letting it plague your every thought and emotion.

 

Reason #2 why baby cries at bedtime:

"I'm adjusting to some type of change."

Are you still in the early days of sleep coaching? Or maybe your nightly routine is often in flux and so your child is constantly having to re-adapt to change. Either way, crying may be their way of communicating to you that this change is hard. Is hard bad? No. But if you feel you aren't being fair by being inconsistent, it's never too late to change that!

 

Reason #3 why baby cries at bedtime:

"I don't want to stop playing or hanging out with you!"

This plays off the last one a bit. Your little one is smart so even if you have a consistent bedtime routine, they understand that sleep time is coming. And they may not like that. They may have big feelings about this transition from play to sleep and they will probably express those. This is both healthy and normal.

It would be great to have no tears at all as we transition from one activity to the next but we also know that's not realistic with children. Allow the feelings to flow. Support as needed.

 

Reason #4 why baby cries at bedtime:

"I need an emotional release so I can relax and fall asleep."

Did you know that crying can actually release stress? Crying triggers the parasympathetic nervous system which can restore the body to a calm and composed state. Contrary to what many today will tell you, crying is not inherently bad. Crying is a great natural way for the body to relieve stress and slow down. This could just be a natural part of your child's wind-down process and therefore no reason to stress!

 

 

😢I get it. We all hate when our children cry. But crying is a way to express emotions. Having emotions is part of living and breathing. These are not bad experiences. They are healthy and normal.

👉Repeat this with me: "My child's crying does not reflect on me as a parent. It does not mean I am not loving and responsive. It means my child has feelings and is expressing them."

 

Ready to tackle your current sleep issues? I'm here to offer a solution. 

Look no further than my affordable Classic Consultation:

With the Classic Consultation you can get accessible sleep help to confidently sleep train without all the second guessing! Imagine doing your bedtime routine, kissing your baby goodnight, walking out of the room + knowing that your baby will sleep long stretches at night and both of you will wake up feeling refreshed!

 

So if you're ready to stop feeling stuck, it's time to own your hard, commit to change & better sleep, and head over to check out the Classic Consultation today: https://allthesleeps.com/sleep-plan

If you've done any searching about baby sleep and sleep training, no doubt you've come across the anti sleep training community. It can be so confusing and conflicting to read all the different opinions out there.

I don't feel it's my job to convince anyone of what route they should take with their babies BUT I do talk to a lot of parents on a weekly basis. And the thing that breaks my heart is the number of moms I talk to who are drowning in sleeplessness and feeling absolutely helpless. They are paralyzed by fear that they will do their baby irreparable harm but at the same time they desperately need something to change because they can feel themselves sinking.

That's why I decided to put this post together. There are many things that I believe the anti sleep training community gets woefully wrong.

 

#1 thing the anti sleep training community gets wrong

The well being of mom and baby are connected.

What's best for baby isn't really best for baby if mom is suffering. The two are a pair. Prioritizing the physical and mental health of mom is what's best for the baby too. We can't advocate for what's best for the baby ONLY. Apart from the mental health aspect of things, a rested mom is also more readily available and attuned to her child. And we know that a secure attachment has everything to do with being a warm, loving, and emotionally available parent and nothing to do with cosleeping, breastfeeding, and anti-sleep training ideologies. 

 

#2 thing the anti sleep training community gets wrong

Sleep training is responsive.

Have you ever heard of a sleep training method?! Yeah, it's called a method because you *do* something. And that *doing* is responding to your baby. Now, your responses look different than usual of course. And the goal of responding is not just to hush up the baby. But that's not a bad thing- especially if the way you've been responding is not working for the mother/baby pair anymore. See this blog post for my breakdown of the various sleep coaching methods out there.

 

#3 thing the anti sleep training community gets wrong

Everyone faces challenges and stressors in life.

This idea that we must protect our little ones from every feeling stress or discomfort is, quite honestly, ridiculous. Now, is this a reason to stress your baby out unnecessarily? Of course not. But life isn't perfect and sometimes it's about choosing which stressors your child will be exposed to. If you're looking for the magical pathway that includes zero stress for your baby, you're not gonna find it. And honestly? I don't think you'd be doing your child any favors if you could.

I would even argue that providing opportunities for discomfort and stress when you can be there to scaffold for your baby is a great way to work on resiliency.

 

#4 thing the anti sleep training community gets wrong

Falling asleep alone doesn't have to be a traumatic experience.

This is building upon the previous point but we have to stop catastrophizing the act of sleep training.  Will sleep training be a different? Yes. A frustrating experience? Sure. But a traumatic experience? To learn something new in the safety of your loving home? No. That's a projection of our issues onto our babies.

As a foster mom, this one really gets me riled up because I know what actual traumatic experiences babies and young kids go through and sleep training with a caring parent is just not it.

 

#5 thing the anti sleep training community gets wrong

It's not up to you to solve society's problems.

Seriously. So often I see anti-sleep training accounts spout off about how people only want to sleep train because we don't have good enough parental leave and society dictates that we get up and go to work 5 days a week, and blah blah blah. These things may (or may not) play a role in your decision to sleep train, but it's not your job to fix society. At least not right now while you're in the trenches.

 

I often wonder if the anti-sleep training community realizes that, in their efforts to rage against sleep training (all in the name of infant mental health), they are shaming and jeopardizing the mental health of so many moms out there. And to bring this post full circle: hurting moms' mental health is going to have a trickle down effect on baby too.

 

For more help with your child's sleep, check out my Everything Page. Here I offer freebies, courses, and 1:1 services for each age group!

Crying is the single biggest reason why people are hesitant to work on improving sleep with their children. And I get it! Just because I'm a sleep consultant that does not mean that I relish making children cry (I'm not a monster)....

BUT I do think that as a whole, our society has gone a little (or a LOT!) overboard on never letting children cry. In this video and blog post I'll be logically walking you through what crying is, why it happens, and how we can shift and re-frame our thoughts about crying.

 

*And honestly, I wish I had known these truths as a new parent, not just for sleep issues but for all things parenting. Feeling "afraid" of crying and putting that pressure on myself to make sure my child never cries is just unrealistic and it set me up for failure. 

 

 

1st Re-frame

When we're talking about sleep training, why does crying always come up? Well, because when we sleep train, we are changing certain habits. Maybe your child is used to you holding them while they fall asleep. So with sleep training, we're looking at laying them down while they're still awake. That is going to be a big habit change, right? Or maybe your child is used to co-sleeping with you in your bed and you're wanting to get them into their crib. That is also going to be a big change.

Anytime that we are changing habits, we can expect that our children are going to have some feelings about that. They may be frustrated, they may be struggling, and they also may be feeling tired and cranky. Crying is going to be their main way to express that. Crying is their main form of communication. But this is the first big re-frame that I want us to wrap our heads around:

Crying is not good or bad.

We can't put it into these neat little categories. Crying is simply a messenger and it is how your child is expressing their feelings to you. Repeat after me: "Crying is my child's way of letting me know how they feel about this new situation."

 

2nd Re-frame

Now from there, we make the leap to: "I don't want my child to feel unhappy or to be frustrated or to struggle. I want them to be happy all the time and never have negative emotions."

And as you're reading, you're probably realizing that those may not be the best thoughts or "goals" for us to have as parents. That is just not real life and that is also not the way to set our children up for success in the future.

So the second big re frame that we need to is recognizing that our job as parents is not to keep our child happy 100% of the time nor is it to keep them content and comfortable 100% of the time. That is not our job as parents. Our kids will naturally go through stages where they are unhappy, where they may feel sad or uncomfortable or frustrated.

In fact, those are great learning experiences, especially when we have the opportunity to do those experiences and help them through them in our own loving homes. Where they know that they're supported and they realize they can get through these uncomfortable emotions.

It's not my job to keep my child happy all the time.

And in fact, if that is our goal in parenting, not only will we fail every day, but we also will do a disservice to our kids if that is the goal that we are bringing them up under.

3rd Re-frame

The third big re-frame that I want to talk you through has to do more specifically with sleep training. We know that, yes, your child will probably cry during the sleep training process. That's just how it goes. (Unless you have some magical unicorn baby who doesn't) But most kids are going to cry when you introduce them to a new situation or when you teach them to do something new.

Now, while your child may cry, that does not mean that they can't feel supported. When I work with families and walk them through my 1:1 services or through my sleep courses, I give various levels of methods that they can use. If parents prefer to be hands on and stay in the room as their child falls asleep, they can do that. That is still sleep training and that is still going to work. So if that is where your comfort level is and you want to be very hands on, you have that option.

If you prefer to be a little more hands off and a little more direct with your method, you can always leave the room and come back and check and offer support at varying intervals. The main takeaway here is that there are options when it comes to sleep training! Sleep training does not mean you are being unresponsive. It is just changing the way that you are responding to our child.

Before sleep training, if they cried, you may have just scooped them up and rocked them right to sleep. And now with sleep training, you're going to soothe them in other ways. Now they may not like or accept your new forms of soothing but you're still there offering that support. So this third re-frame I really want us to get our heads around is:

You can be supportive and not fix the crying right away.

It is possible to support our children and to be there for our children, but not fix the crying at all costs. And in fact, I would argue that trying to stop all crying, at any cost, is not actually supportive anyways.

 

 

4th Re-frame

Next thing I want you to do is try to get into your baby's head.

Why are they crying? What are they trying to communicate with their tears?

A lot of times we associate our own emotional baggage with their crying and we project that onto them. So we hear our child cry and we may think, "Oh no, he feels abandoned and he thinks I've left him forever." Or  "She is crying because she hates me. She thinks I don't love her anymore."

And we project that onto them when really we need to take our own emotions out of the equation. Instead maybe they're saying, "Hey, I'm frustrated. I don't know how to do this. I'm really frustrated right now." Or "Hey, what's going on? This isn't how we do the whole sleep thing. This isn't what we normally do. I'm not sure what's going on, and I'm confused about it." They could be saying, "I'm really struggling to fall asleep. This is new. I don't know how to do this."

And this goes back to re-frame #2 which reminds us that it's okay for our children to feel these uncomfortable emotions. They're allowed to feel this way and we don't have to feel this need to fix it. We want to take our emotion out of it and really try to get into their head of what they are expressing by this not what we are projecting onto them.

 

 

5th Re-frame

Final re-frame I want you to take from this blog is that the crime that happens during sleep training...

It is temporary.

This increase in crying at sleep time is a temporary thing and as your child adjusts to their new normal, they learn their new routines, and they get better and better and grow much more confident at falling asleep on their own- that crying is going to dissipate. This is not a forever thing where you will put your child down for bed and they will cry for 30 minutes every night for forever before falling asleep. This is temporary.

Let's remind ourselves of that. Even though it's going to be hard, those first few nights or weeks while we are implementing sleep training, it is going to get easier. You're going to come out on the other side of this with your child having learned this great skill of independence and with confidence in their own ability to be put down alone and fall asleep on their own. This is temporary. I want you to remember that.

 

 

Finally, I've linked a great article by parenting expert Janet Lansbury and it's called 7 Reasons to Calm Down about Babies Crying. It is a great resource and another helpful tool in re-framing our thoughts around crying.