If you've done any searching about baby sleep and sleep training, no doubt you've come across the anti sleep training community. It can be so confusing and conflicting to read all the different opinions out there.
I don't feel it's my job to convince anyone of what route they should take with their babies BUT I do talk to a lot of parents on a weekly basis. And the thing that breaks my heart is the number of moms I talk to who are drowning in sleeplessness and feeling absolutely helpless. They are paralyzed by fear that they will do their baby irreparable harm but at the same time they desperately need something to change because they can feel themselves sinking.
That's why I decided to put this post together. There are many things that I believe the anti sleep training community gets woefully wrong.
#1 thing the anti sleep training community gets wrong
The well being of mom and baby are connected.
What's best for baby isn't really best for baby if mom is suffering. The two are a pair. Prioritizing the physical and mental health of mom is what's best for the baby too. We can't advocate for what's best for the baby ONLY. Apart from the mental health aspect of things, a rested mom is also more readily available and attuned to her child. And we know that a secure attachment has everything to do with being a warm, loving, and emotionally available parent and nothing to do with cosleeping, breastfeeding, and anti-sleep training ideologies.
#2 thing the anti sleep training community gets wrong
Sleep training is responsive.
Have you ever heard of a sleep training method?! Yeah, it's called a method because you *do* something. And that *doing* is responding to your baby. Now, your responses look different than usual of course. And the goal of responding is not just to hush up the baby. But that's not a bad thing- especially if the way you've been responding is not working for the mother/baby pair anymore. See this blog post for my breakdown of the various sleep coaching methods out there.
#3 thing the anti sleep training community gets wrong
Everyone faces challenges and stressors in life.
This idea that we must protect our little ones from every feeling stress or discomfort is, quite honestly, ridiculous. Now, is this a reason to stress your baby out unnecessarily? Of course not. But life isn't perfect and sometimes it's about choosing which stressors your child will be exposed to. If you're looking for the magical pathway that includes zero stress for your baby, you're not gonna find it. And honestly? I don't think you'd be doing your child any favors if you could.
I would even argue that providing opportunities for discomfort and stress when you can be there to scaffold for your baby is a great way to work on resiliency.
#4 thing the anti sleep training community gets wrong
Falling asleep alone doesn't have to be a traumatic experience.
This is building upon the previous point but we have to stop catastrophizing the act of sleep training. Will sleep training be a different? Yes. A frustrating experience? Sure. But a traumatic experience? To learn something new in the safety of your loving home? No. That's a projection of our issues onto our babies.
As a foster mom, this one really gets me riled up because I know what actual traumatic experiences babies and young kids go through and sleep training with a caring parent is just not it.
#5 thing the anti sleep training community gets wrong
It's not up to you to solve society's problems.
Seriously. So often I see anti-sleep training accounts spout off about how people only want to sleep train because we don't have good enough parental leave and society dictates that we get up and go to work 5 days a week, and blah blah blah. These things may (or may not) play a role in your decision to sleep train, but it's not your job to fix society. At least not right now while you're in the trenches.
I often wonder if the anti-sleep training community realizes that, in their efforts to rage against sleep training (all in the name of infant mental health), they are shaming and jeopardizing the mental health of so many moms out there. And to bring this post full circle: hurting moms' mental health is going to have a trickle down effect on baby too.