I made a big sleep mistake with my kids over the weekend…

I threatened an early bedtime because I was frustrated.

It was Saturday afternoon, and my boys had spent the previous night at their grandparents' house. They’d stayed up late, had a full day, and by the afternoon, they were constantly bickering. I knew they were tired, and that was why they were acting out, but my frustration got the best of me. I told them that if they couldn’t get their act together, they would go to bed early when we got home.

It’s not the end of the world, of course, but I also knew this was not the message I wanted to send my children.

The problem with using bedtime as a punishment

When you threaten an early bedtime, you’re sending a message to your child that bedtime is a punishment for bad behavior. This becomes a bigger problem if you’re already experiencing resistance at sleep time. Of course, your child is going to push back if they associate sleep with being punished.

Children naturally want to avoid things that feel unpleasant, so if sleep is linked with negative emotions, they’ll resist. It’s no wonder some children don’t like bedtime if they think it’s a consequence for acting out!

So, what should you do instead?

If you need to set consequences for bad behavior, choose something unrelated to sleep. Maybe it’s less screen time, missing out on a favorite activity, or another logical consequence, but keep sleep off the table.

If your child really needs an early bedtime because they’re overtired, just treat it like a normal bedtime. Don’t mention that it’s early, and if they can tell time, don’t link the earlier bedtime to their behavior.

Other things that put a negative spin on sleep

Maybe you’ve never fallen into that trap of threatening an early bedtime but there still could be other ways in which you are unintentionally turning bedtime into a negative experience. Using the bedroom as a time-out spot, expressing frustration and anxiety at bedtime, losing your cool night after and yelling, and even bribing or negotiating are all common things I see in families struggling with sleep. And I get it! It can be so frustrating trying to get a tired child to just go to sleep and stay asleep!

But can I tell you a secret?

If you go into bedtime with bribes, of course your child is going to expect more and more each night.

If you go into bedtime making threats, of course your child is going to have negative feelings about sleep time.

If you go into bedtime and they have lingering feelings from time out earlier that day, of course they are going to wonder if they are still being punished by being left in their room.

If you go into bedtime and see anxious, frustrated, or out of control, they are going to mirror those emotions and not feel safe to succumb to sleep.

How to make sleep a positive experience

It’s possible to change the way your child feels about sleep and bedtime. Here are a few ways to make sleep seem like a good thing to your toddler instead of something to avoid:

Avoid saying things like:

• "If you can’t calm down, we won’t read any books at bedtime."
• "I’m putting you in time-out. Go to your room."
• "If you keep acting like this, you will go to bed early tonight."

Using these phrases can make sleep and being alone in their room feel like a punishment. If we use these tactics, it’s no wonder they’re resisting bedtime!

Instead, try this:

• Keep a consistent, predictable bedtime routine, even if your child is acting up.
• Stay cool and calm as you continue to move through the bedtime routine. Don’t allow stalling. I encourage parents to think of themselves as a metronome during the routine, keep things moving along at just the right pace and stay in control of the situation.
• Spend time hanging out and playing in their room so it becomes a positive space.
• Stick to a regular bedtime, and don’t let it be determined by their behavior.

By showing your child that sleep and being alone in their room is a normal, positive part of daily life, you’ll foster a healthier relationship with sleep. Download my free guide to help get your child on your team at bedtime here.

Breaking the habit of using sleep as a punishment is tough, but it can make a world of difference in how your child views bedtime. Which of these challenges resonate with you? Have you tried any strategies to make sleep more appealing to your child? Let me know your thoughts, and remember, if you’re struggling with your child’s sleep, I’m here to help!