Nobody likes separation anxiety. Not the parent, not the child, and definitely not the person you are passing your child off too! Unfortunately it's just one of those growing pains for children that we all go through.

Listen in as Kayla and I share our own experiences with separation anxiety and leave you with some solid tips for handling separation anxiety like a boss without compromising sleep in the process.

Also see:

Four tips to handle separation anxiety without compromising sleep

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Episode 8: How to handle separation anxiety like a boss

How to handle separation anxiety like a boss. we are going to talk about separation anxiety, which everybody loves separation anxiety, right? Yeah, it is kind of a current favorite over here. So this will be really great for us to talk about. Yeah, yeah. And I mean, I know that Kayla, you can relate to this, for sure. So many parents I've talked to it's separation anxiety. Now, when it happens in this age we're in is just so much harder, because so many of our kids have been with us 24, seven, or, you know, have not been around other caregivers as much as usual because of COVID. And so it just makes it that much more frustrating, and so much more of a struggle. Absolutely, we are definitely there. And I'll be excited to kind of share our stories. Because I know that we are on over here, we've been at the very, very, like, most extreme COVID bubble out of anybody that I know. So I have, I have a little bit of insight into what that looks like how we've handled it, that type of thing. So if you're anywhere between, not as I don't know, not as what's, what's the word I'm looking for? strict or Yeah, that is strict, or Yeah, you're on one martius part of this. Yes. If you're on one part of the spectrum or the other. How to handle separation anxiety like a boss I think that we definitely have some advice that we can give you there. Yes, yeah. So let's talk a little about why separation anxiety happens. So really, it can happen anytime, after usually around six months. That is when object permanence happens, which, if you haven't heard of object permanence, basically, it means, you know, you put a ball in front of your baby, you take the ball away and put it behind your back, when they've reached object permanence, they understand that that ball still exists, even though it's they can't see it. And before that point, they they don't recognize that, okay, mom or dad exist outside of myself, when they're, you know, in a different room. And so when they do realize that, it just means they're gonna miss you more, and they're going to, you know, have a harder time separating from you. So yeah, lots of fun there. Usually, you know, it can peak it, it's different for every child, but we see a lot of it kind of peeking around that eight month range. And then around 18 months, those I would say, are the peak times when, at least on my end, I hear of it disrupting sleep a lot, doesn't mean that you can't have a 10 month old or a 13 month old who also struggles with it. But those are just some typical times where it really rears its ugly head. Okay, so you kind of talked about why separation anxiety happens, and when we can usually see it, but how does it present? What does it look like so that our audience knows what they can be looking out for? Yeah, what to look for. So typically, it's going to be any time that you know, your child is maybe suddenly freaking out or upset when you leave the room. Maybe you're not even leaving the room, but you're leaving their field of vision. You know, they can't see you because you are, you know, on the other side of a wall or something, anytime that you're kind of leaving their field of vision. How to handle separation anxiety like a boss That's when it can happen. And you know, it's just going to be protesting and sometimes it's going to present more with that primary caregiver and it may not present with anyone else. So if you're a stay at home mom, you may only experience it when you're leaving their field division, it may not be when their other caregivers leave. Or it could be when any caregiver you know is leaving their field division. It just depends on the child. A lot of times we will see it in tears at daycare drop off or at nap and bedtime, which is why we're talking about this because those are times when you will be setting them down. Leaving. So that's usually what it's going to present at the end. Kayla, I know that you, you know, like you said, you guys have dealt with this on and off, you've dealt with it. Maybe a little to the extreme side, I'm sure you would say because of COVID. And absolutely, just share some of your experience about what you guys have gone through. Sure. Okay, so our our smallest child irey, he is on his way to being two years old. So most of his life has been COVID. He has been to one restaurant, he has been to a grocery store one time. So his experiences have been us and at home. And I am immunocompromised. So I was really big on not letting anybody in that includes when we moved all the way back to my hometown, that includes, you know, my best friend, that includes my mom not coming in. And so we rely heavily my husband and I on each other. I am a stay at home parent. And so that first kind of eight month one, I remember not being as big, but it was way bigger with me. I'm sorry, I kind of always say I don't know if any of you guys watched the show dinosaurs. How to handle separation anxiety like a boss But the baby on there slaps the dad with a pan and says that the mama at our house, it is very much mama and not the mama. And everybody that is not me is not the mama. So we had a little bit of that happened. But like most recently, I'd say starting around 18 months, and it has not been the linear for us. It hasn't been like he had this bout of separation anxiety for two weeks. And then it was done. It's been like here and there. And it's lasted a couple days or only one night. It kind of started when my husband and my oldest went on vacation. And he was cutting his teeth. So it was always like really hard to like, okay, is he cutting his teeth? Is it separation anxiety? Is it both? But I very much erred on the to he get his Tylenol? Did he get his sippy? So does he have a clean diaper is he fed, if he's hurting that I take care of that. And if I've done everything that I can to deal with that, then it's up to him to deal with the rest. And he needs to learn how to handle not being with us and what that looks like for him. And so I may be on an extreme side of taking care of it. But once all of his needs that I could I could handle myself were taken care of then I left the rest up to him. Yeah, no. And I love how you say that because you made sure that his needs were addressed. And what I think I think we get into Oh, I don't know, we get into the wrong headspace sometimes about separation anxiety, and we like feel like we need to protect them from having these feelings. And we don't write like we don't have to protect them from ever feeling uncomfortable from being frustrated. We want them to experience that. And my perspective is an especially in your case, you know, where I'm Murray has, for a very long time, fallen asleep on his own. He knows his crib, like that is his safe place. It's not a new foreign place for him. And so there's nothing wrong with us using and I would actually say that's a great everyday practice for him to learn. How to handle separation anxiety like a boss Like when you go into your crib, you're in a safe space that you know, and it's sleep time. And you always see that mom comes back Mom always comes back after a nap time Mom always comes back in the morning. I mean, what better way to deal with separation anxiety than that predictability and that constant like day in day out pattern that he's seen for months and months and months. Right. And I think that one of the important things to remember is is that this is like the first bout of separation anxiety that your kid's gonna gonna feel but then you know, our goal right as parents is to get our kids to a place of independence and whatever that means And so getting your kid to independently sleep and then to get your your kid to go to school, you know, they're gonna feel separation anxiety again there and then when you take them to college, like all of those things are different bouts of separation anxiety that you have as a kid and so these are skills that are going to continue to build. We just need that foundation. Yeah, I just think I don't know sometimes I just feel like he Know what nap time and sleep time is like this perfectly built in way for us to slowly work on that independence, right to just gradually get it there and there because they get that practice every day. And we also know from, you know, the mental health aspect, the stay at home parent aspect, even if you're not a stay at home parent, you need that time to yourself to you know, it's, it's I mean, I'm sure there are some families that do not mind being attached to their little ones 24 seven, if you've been listening to this podcast, you know, me and Kayla are not those families. That is not our experience or our personalities. How to handle separation anxiety like a boss And I don't think there's a right or wrong way. But for me, that is so important. And that nap and bedtime gives me what I need, gives them what they need. And I just think it's so usually important. Absolutely. Okay, so if you if we're talking about the separation anxiety, how can we get to a place where both we feel comfortable, and maybe we can kind of slowly get our kids to feel more comfortable with being separated from us. So I have a couple things that I recommend doing, you know, the first one, and this is something that we can be doing from the very beginning with our children is practicing leaving them, you know, so that that doesn't have to be like huge things where we're leaving them for days at a time or for hours at a time, it could literally be like mom, leaving the child with the other caregiver, so that she can go out and go for a 10 minute walk around the block, you know, practicing those bouts of being away, and you can work up to them being longer so that you can be gone for hours, you can be gone for days, you know if that's something that that you're wanting to do. But just having those blocks of practicing from the very beginning can really be helpful. How to handle separation anxiety like a boss And you know, with COVID, right now, if that's just leaving them with your significant other, or you know, with one trusted person that you're kind of having in your social circle, that's okay. If that's more people, if that's having a babysitter, you know, if that's having grandparents, watch them, whoever that may be, but get that practice so that they are familiar with being away from you and leaving your side. And I know, it may sound kind of silly. But we did do this last summer, I was able to let my mom come in a few times. And we actually, this is very type A of me that which is pretty on point. But I practiced with her and I did the Okay, I'm just gonna run, I would drop him off at my mom's house. But first, she would come over here because I know that this environment is somewhere that he knows. And so she would come over here would be like, Okay, I'm going to go get a sweet tea from McDonald's. And I believe and I'd be gone for literally four or five minutes, I'd come back in, maybe he screamed the whole time. Maybe he didn't. It really just depended and we got him. Honestly, guys, we like trained him so that he was comfortable so that my husband and I could leave for a half day for our anniversary. So it sounds silly, but you are essentially training your child to be ready for whatever it is. So and it hasn't worked. So we may be back to square one Now, again, but considering we haven't done it so long, but at that time it worked. Yeah, and it is it's just all about giving, you know, you are giving eimeria those experiences of being with someone else where you were away, so he could experience it, see that everything was fine. See that you come back. So next time, the idea is it's not going to seem as stressful because he will have that previous experience, you know, and, and yeah, that's huge. I cannot overstate how much that helps. The next thing I would recommend is not sneaking away. And I know this is a hard one. How to handle separation anxiety like a boss I think this is kind of the default sometimes. So you know, if we're experiencing separation anxiety at the daycare drop off maybe and so we stay with them, we get them distracted by something and then we sneak out. Or if we're dealing with it at sleep time. Maybe we stay in the room until they've settled until they're drowsy until they're asleep. And then we sneak out. Typically that's not what I recommend. Because that's not necessarily giving them that chance to process like Oh Yes, mom is leaving or dad is leaving. And then especially with sleep, what it can actually do is they start to learn Like, okay, when I fall asleep, that's when mom leaves. And so I'm gonna resist sleep more, because I really don't want mom to leave. And so it can kind of play into that just making it take longer and longer until they go to sleep, or you start experiencing the night wakings. And then you have to come back in, lay down on the floor with them until they fall asleep, sneak out again, and it just kind of starts to recap. So I don't recommend sneaking away instead, I would say, be calm, be confident. Leave like you normally would, you know, let them know, it's it's okay to narrate and say, I know you're upset. I know, you don't want me to leave. It's sleep time, I'm going to leave now be competent, leave. And and leave it at that, you know, yeah. And make it I mean, don't obviously don't make it rushed or anything but make it like she said very confident, very, you know, kind of quick, short term, so that it's not like, you know, if they start getting upset that you're like, comforting them. And like, I'm not saying don't comfort your kids, but you know, like so that you're not catering to them, you need like, you're the person that's in charge. So you, you know, this is how it's going to be and this is what we're doing. And I'll be back in a couple hours or whatever. So that they kind of know or if you don't know, our house, obviously our kids don't know time. So like I'll say, like, I'll be back before dinner, Mommy will be home for dinner. So that they can kind of understand that mommy is coming back and she'll be eating with us or whatever that looks like. Yeah, yeah. And that's a good point, Kayla, like when we linger, that shows them that we are after our Well, that's you. Yes, yes, it shows that. Okay, there's a cause and effect here. And that definitely happens as they get older. It's, it's not, I would not say it's manipulation. But they can understand cause and effect I do this mom responds this way. Yeah, so it's normal for them to use those patterns and to play off those patterns. But then also lingering is going to show that you're unsure that you yourself are feeling anxious, and that is not going to help the situation. How to handle separation anxiety like a boss So usually, if we're leaving, you know, either quickly, or just like we usually would, that is going to help convey that calm confidence to them. The third thing I would really recommend is just having your consistent routines. When you're dealing with separation anxiety, I know there's a strong urge to change up all your routines and to do things differently. But what you need to remember is that consistent routine to them, that is safety, that is predictability, that is comfort. And so when we change things that can actually add more anxiety into the mix, because they're like, okay, now what's happening this time and what's happening this time. Whereas if we just do the same thing every time and they know that routine to expect, they're not going to have that wondering what's coming next. Yeah, and guys, you don't have to be afraid to be, you know, to type a or whatever, I will go ahead and give you permission. Now I wrote, when I was pregnant with my second I wrote an entire binder that had different, like, different files in it of this is what we do in the morning. These are the breakfast that my son likes, like it was an entire binder guys, I'm not kidding. But the thing about that that was important to me is that I can't control when I'm going to be having the second child, right. I had no control on that. But what I did have control over was okay, he knows what bedtime looks like he knows that he will get to do A, B and C before bedtime, regardless of who is taking care of him. And so it was important for me that he felt safe, even if it wasn't me that was there. So I don't know, it's very, very important for me, for my kid to feel safe and wherever he's at. And so being able to give him at least that kind of made all the difference in me when I was gone, but also knowing that he was fine as well. Another vote for writing things down. I mean, when my first was born, I worked outside of the home and I worked weird hours. And my mom watched Ethan a lot when he was a baby. And I wrote everything down. And I mean, I think probably at first she was a little annoyed, but it really helped both of them to thrive. And it also helped me to know what happened, what she was doing. If it was a weird day for some reason know where it went wrong. Yeah, that's that's huge. I love writing things down and giving them to people and saying here, please follow this. Yeah, and I hope that one day We really can't get like our moms on to talk about what this experience was like for them when they watched our kids and like, what they would do differently, all of that kind of stuff, because I think it would be really interesting to get mother or mother in law's perspective of his parents. Ooh, yeah. And I know, we've talked about this, like, we know that they did things very differently from how we do things. So I like that I like that future episode idea. We're gonna have to work on that. Okay. So last thing I would say when we're dealing with separation, anxiety, and sleep, and I've kind of hinted at this the whole way. But I really just want us to be putting things in perspective. And just reminding ourselves that bedtime and naptime those are everyday, safe, predictable opportunities for your child to learn that you always come back, when you say you will, that you always come back, they know the routine, what better way for them to learn this and to work through the separation anxiety than in the safety of their home, you know, day in and day out with you. So I think that's huge. And I know sometimes, you know, we may think about separation anxiety in a daycare setting when you drop your child off with a different caregiver, and they may have separation anxiety. And yeah, that's frustrating. And that sucks. But usually, none of us are like quitting our jobs or calling off that day to stay with them during that separation anxiety, right? We're like, you know what, this is a part of life and we comfort them, we leave, we go about our day. But for some reason, when it comes to bedtime and naptime, it's a lot harder to kind of stick with our, you know, attitude, right? This is part of life, and we're still going to do business as usual. So I don't know where that disconnect happens. But I would just encourage you keep it in perspective. And just remember it is it's just a great built in way every day for them to figure this separation out and that you always come back. Alright guys, that's it for us today. Thank you so much for listening to this podcast about separation anxiety. And remember, if you can follow along on Instagram, follow all the sleeps. Carrie and I will be talking about separation anxiety throughout the week, so that you guys can get a little bit more help with that. And thank you so much for listening again, guys. We love you. Thank you so much for listening to the sleep talking moms podcast. If you enjoyed this episode, please take a second to rate and review. Each review helps more tired and overwhelmed moms find simple and practical sleep advice. See you back here soon. How to handle separation anxiety like a boss