It seems like so many different factors in your child’s life can cause sleep disruptions. But night time fears can leave you feeling really unprepared and unsure how to deal. Our goal with this podcast is to educate you on some big dos and don'ts so you feel slightly more prepared when those night time fears crop up!

 

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How to handle nightmares and night fears: allthesleeps.com/nightmares-and-night-fears/

 

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Episode 13: Dos & don'ts of dealing with night time fears

Night time fears
Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of sleep talking moms, and today we are going to talk about what to do when your child is scared at bedtime when they have nighttime fears, and we kind of thought this would be fitting this was a great idea by Kayla since we have Halloween coming up, and it's almost spooky season. And, you know what this actually our story, we want to share another Kayla Karianna story too before we like hop into the sleep step, and I was just thinking, the one that we pick to share about kind of fits in because it's a costume, it's a costume story. Yeah, yeah, okay, Kayla Do you want to share this story with them, you want to start.

Sure, sure, sure. Okay, so we were not in classes together very often throughout our entire schooling. Never. It was a bummer almost never. I was more of a, like, middle of the road kind of student and carry and I was in a lot of advanced things you were to, you

know, man.

But anyways, so we ended up being in the same philosophy class. As I don't know, like, there were just a lot of really cool people in that class, like two of our at the time best guy friends were in it. And it was just, it was a blast. So, we were reading the book metamorphosis by Franz Kafka, and that you remember the author's name, I love these books I know you weren't like super into them I love them. Um, and so we just gotten done reading those and our assignment was to recreate, like a pivotal moment in that book. And so we picked this moment and I don't remember what the symbolism was at all, but we pick this moment where the protagonist was throwing apples at at a cockroach. Okay, so this was happening, like, the week of the week before spring break is when it was supposed to happen Karianna couldn't I don't remember if you went on vacation, like, a little bit before and so we missed it or something. So we had to wait all of spring break, and then the next day, Monday, that we came back we had to do our skit, And so I was wearing a giant box, like just ahead and my arms cut out and I was crawling on the floor and Karianna was throwing these apples at me. These apples had been sitting for a couple of weeks at this point, and they were rotten. And so the second sheet through the first Apple, it just exploded, and all over the classroom, all over the classroom all over people. Our teacher was cracking up. And we just kept doing it, and it was such a funny time, it was I

mean really, if we had had a different teacher we probably would have gotten into so much trouble but Mr rumps was just like, he thought it was hilarious, and he was.

Yeah, I hated, I hated the class but he made it bearable because that was just not my class, not at all. Yeah, it was so much fun though. And it was it was just a great group of people and so we were just always having fun and messing around. Did we learn a lot. Not sure

not probably school related things.

No, but it was like, memorable. So,

yeah, that's. And now I can say that I have been able to throw rotten apples at my best friend. Yeah, I

was, I was telling Carianna before we started recording that I really wish that we could just videotape some moments in our lives because I would definitely just like automatically because I would watch that one over and over and over again. It was so funny.

Oh man. Okay, so yes, that kind of ties into what we're talking about and Kayla, you are more of the you get into like the decorating for Halloween stuff.

Yes I love holidays I love decorating for holidays, I never thought I would be this mom but I am this mom. So, like the beginning of September is fair game for Halloween. So we have a bunch of stuff outside. We have a Jason, so my husband made a life size human shape out of trash bags and newspapers, and so we put a Jason mask on it and he's in like flannel shirt and jeans and he's sitting next to a skeleton, and they're having coffee on our front porch. We get far too into it like I already have my kids costumes. I'm ready.

Oh my gosh, I don't and yeah so we're recording this and it's like, still mid September I have no clue what my boy is are going to be for Halloween I got to get on that.

Well I think for me, um, you know, like, my kids are at the age where they're like, constantly changing what they want to be like every two seconds. And so, I was able to plan ahead because I'm right, he's almost two, he's gonna be Mr Rogers, and I got my little red card again and it like fits his personality because he's just a little sweetie sensitive little boy. And then, LS has been watching a lot of I don't know if any of your kids enjoy Steven Maggie, but it's like his most favorite show, and they talk a lot about Halloween pumpkins. So Ellis has to be a pumpkin that's all he's talked about, oh, four weeks already.

So that'll be cute. Yeah, it'll

be fun.

That'll be cute. Yeah, I'm definitely at the age with my voice where if we decide to early, we'll buy costumes, and then they're going to change their minds and I am not buying two sets of costumes so

no way

we'll wait. We'll wait a little bit, it's probably gonna be like a dinosaur or a transformer we're not that creative around here so, Kayla we talked a little before and you mentioned that you guys really haven't dealt much with beers yet, at the stage you're in. And I know that with my boys, we have had some random beers here and there. We haven't had a ton of consistent fears and honestly I feel like part of that is, it deals with temperament and personality but another part that I feel is really helpful. At least from our from our approach and our side of things is that our boys have always slept alone in their rooms, they've always slept in the dark, so it's not like it's something that comes and goes for them, or is foreign. And so I think that has helped a lot with the nighttime fears. So, if you're listening and you have a younger child, this is just my encouragement to you, to keep those good habits, to have them be the norm, because that can lessen those fears, versus when we kind of go back and forth like sometimes you sleep with mom sometimes you sleep on your own, that can, that's where some of those fears can crop up

more, okay so if at any point you are concerned or you are dealing with nighttime fears, what are some of the do's and don'ts to help your child through this time,

I would say the first probably do and don't, I would say, do talk about what your child is scared of during the day, so it's, it's good to talk about it. We don't want to talk about it at night. In the moment so if they're expressing the fears at bedtime or in the middle of the night, we don't want to stop and talk about it then we want to wait till sometime during the day when things don't feel as scary to talk through and, you know, depending on the age of your child, it may just be more of a one way conversation you may just be saying, you know, I know you were scared last night. You may be asking them to tell you what they're scared of you may be asking them to draw what they're scared up so you can see and talk about it but totally okay to talk about it, we just don't want to do it at night in the moment.

Okay, well, because we don't want to talk about what they're going through in the moment. What are some things that you can do or say, in that moment,

all right yeah so that's a great question because we want to know what we should be doing when our child is expressing a fear. And what I would recommend first is, whatever it is that we are saying to them, and whatever it is that you may be feeling inside. You want to make sure that you are exuding confidence that you are exuding calm that you aren't showing them that you are anxious or unsure about what they're expressing we don't want it to seem big and scary to them, and the way that it seems even scarier is if you kind of don't know how to handle it or you seem unsure. So be confident and whatever your responses and, you know, try not to hesitate. So, for example, the last time we dealt with a nighttime fear. It totally came out of nowhere, I was not prepared for it. Honestly, if I, because I, you know, deal with families all the time I felt very prepared but I was not like it was just out of nowhere so it pays to be a little prepared and to kind of think this through before it actually happens. But like the first thing out of my son's mouth after he told me he was scared, was he asked, Can I come sleep with you tonight. And that's like, not something that we do like not even on the table right right like probably once. I don't know, once a quarter, we may do asleep over. But that's, that's really it. So when he asked that, you know, your first instinct is to kind of like waver or be like, oh, probably not buddy, you know, but that kind of gives them almost a Oh, that was a probably that wasn't a no so maybe I should keep pushing it. So I was just very know you're gonna sleep in your room tonight but let's, let's talk about this let me come in and comfort. So be confident. Try not to hesitate in your responses, and then it's okay to comfort so do comfort do reassure them, if they're already falling asleep on their own if that's your norm, then typically we don't want to stay in there until they're asleep. If you can avoid it sometimes that that may not be avoidable, and that's okay you can always get back on track. But what I find when we stay in the room with them is that presents a message to them that they do need protecting from something they should be scared that you are going to stay there. And when we kind of keep to business as usual it more presents that message of, it's okay to be scared, you are safe. That's why we don't need to do anything different, because this isn't, you know, some big scary thing that's going to happen. Does that make sense.

That makes total sense yeah and it just like reminds me with everything that has to do with sleep training, and you know kind of behavior, training, I guess is what you call it for kids is that consistency being sure of yourself, and kind of like giving them like a, you know, No, we don't do this, or just being certain is certain and consistent, is so important.

Yeah, yeah because they take their cues from us. And so, the times that we are unsure inconsistent I mean that that is directly going to affect how they respond. I think the last big like do and don't I would say is I'm going to say the don't first so don't feel like you have to shelter your child from ever feeling scared. I think that's a natural instinct for us. But when we think through that we know like, my child is going to have ups and downs in their life, they're going to have times when they're scared and times when they're not scared, and they will need to learn to navigate that and what better way and place for them to learn to navigate that. Then, in the safety of your home during your predictable nightly routines, you know, so don't feel like you have to shelter them from that, then, for the do the flip side of this because we aren't worrying about sheltering them from ever feeling afraid, we do want to give them concrete things that they can do when they feel scared because we know throughout their lifetime, they're going to have moments of feeling afraid, that's part of being a human, so let's give them concrete things, so this is gonna, you know obviously changed depending on their age, they may have a stuffed animal or a lobby that you encourage them to snuggle or to protect when they feel scared. I've had I've had families tell their little ones before like if they sleep on their side to flip to the other side or flip their pillow over as a way to kind of mimic changing the channel in their brain so change it from this theory thoughts to the good thoughts right super simple, or you know other things with your child if there is maybe a particular character or thing that they love. I mean, it's funny, this is actually going to sound ridiculous but, I mean my boys are obsessed with dinosaurs right now. So for them, this would be comforting for some kids thinking about dinosaurs would not be comforting. But for my boys that would be it. So I would encourage them to lay down close their eyes and create like a Jurassic Park world in their brain and think about all those things that they love to think about maybe it's creating a frozen world in their brain. And really, like, sit down and do it with them at times so you can talk through like, do you see what's the land called where what's, what's the frozen land called is it Aaron Dell. Night time fears

Yeah, I don't know how you do that.

So like, talk them through like can you create Aaron dal in your mind, can you see the castle what's Elsa doing so really talking them through something that they can focus on that makes them happy, and then that's also just going to obviously steer their mind, they can't think about Elsa and also think about something that they're, that is scaring them so it really helps to distract and redirect, night time fears

No, this is so funny because it like just like, I don't know, it made me remember something. So, when I was like way too old to be like super scared about scary dreams. Are you ever I don't know I feel like they like sometimes you have like adult scary dreams when it's just like, yeah, bigger things but, you know, Frankenstein or something. But I anytime I would have a bad dream, I would sing. I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream in my head and this was like high school, college and then I would go through in my head and I would think about all of the flavors of ice cream that I could until i. So,

you were cream dreamscape,

yes I was creating my own happiness but I think that this is also like a really good opportunity for you to maybe talk about, you know like, it depends on how scientific you are if you're one of those parents that does a lot of like emotional and feeling talks. But this is a really great time to talk about like, it's okay to feel scared. And, you know, feeling scared is a normal biological response by your body and talk about you know, the things that they can do anytime that they're scared, not just night fears but anytime that they're feeling scared whether it's of heights at the park, or you know somebody is being mean to them, things that they can do that can help them throughout their life for the fear emotion. Night time fears

Yeah, yes, absolutely, absolutely and I love that you said that because of what I would say you know parents are looking for, like, Okay, we've talked about these, how do I like respond in the moment, you know, I would recommend that we validate how they're feeling right so I know you're scared. I know you're scared. It's okay to be scared, validate that reassure them, you're safe, you know, mom is right here or mom is right down in the living room or mom is right outside your door so reassure them, and then that exposure piece is really important too, so we can't expect them to just magically The fear goes away one day that's not how it works right. It's that systematic exposure to it, and then learning to cope through it and gaining confidence that makes that anxiety and that fear smaller and smaller and smaller, each time. So I would say validate reassure, and then expose them to it so follow through with your usual nighttime routines, night time fears

and I don't know if what you would say. But do you recommend like spending time in their room if it's specifically their room like during the day like I don't know, I know that like us, we just had our power out yesterday, for a lot of the day, and so I made sure like I was like oh this is a great opportunity. The rooms dark because we have the stuff up on the windows and so I gave the boys, flashlights, I had a flashlight, and we played in the room just to show like it's safe. There, you know, this is your bed, this is your stuff these things are all here, and you're okay. Yes. No, I Night time fears

love that idea Kayla I'm so glad you mentioned that because that's something else you can do if you have a child that's expressing particularly a fear of the dark is giving them like giving them a flashlight at night so having the lights off for sleep like giving them a flashlight and telling them, you know, if you're scared, you can turn this off so kind of giving them some feelings of control back over that. But yeah, then just playing, playing in the dark playing with flashlights spending time in their room like that. That's a great idea because that is exposing them to it, and giving them those positive experiences that oh my room was very dark and I was in there, and I was fine and everything was safe. So yeah, I love that. I'm glad you said that. night time fears

And while we're kind of on the trail of like what to do. I've seen a lot of things out about monsters spray. What is. What's your thought on that. So,

I'm not a huge fan of monster spray. But I will say like if you're using monster spray and it's working well for you, like, there, there's nothing wrong with that, go ahead and keep using it like I this is not, you know, not to make you feel bad about that at all. What I think monster spray conveys to kids, is that they need protecting from something right so we're spraying for monsters. It's almost like we're saying okay monsters are real, you should be scared of them, we're gonna spray to protect you from them. And if we think about it, that's probably not the message we want to be sending to them right we don't want to be sending the message that monsters are real and you should be scared, so that's why I lean away from Monster spray because I would rather just go like the honest straight up route and say, monsters aren't real, it's okay to feel scared but you're safe monsters aren't real, rather than kind of playing into this imaginary land where they are real and we need to protect our little ones from it. So, again no shade if you do use monster spray, but that is why I don't recommend monster spray when I work with families dealing with these issues. night time fears

Alright guys that's it for today's show. Thank you guys so much for listening. Take care and have a good week. Thank you so much for listening to the sleep talking moms podcast, we hope you are walking away from this episode, feeling empowered and encouraged to tackle your sleep issues. If you enjoyed the episode please take a second to grab a screenshot, share it in your Instagram stories, and tag us at all the sleeps. See you next time. Night time fears