If you’re a parent, you either know the feeling of being the preferred parent and then only one who can put your child to bed…. Or you know the feeling of being the non-preferred parent and therefore unable to help much at bedtime. Honestly, both of these feelings suck.
The preferred parent gets touched out and worn out from the constant parenting and can feel resentful toward their partner. The non-preferred parent gets hurt feelings from being “unwanted” by the child and can feel helpless to do anything to assist the preferred parent.
It’s not a fun place to be but unfortunately, it comes and goes over the years with our children as they grow and develop. However, when it comes to sleep routines and responses, I’ve got several tips no matter the age of your child to help you teach them flexibility.
Parental preference tip #1
Start at the beginning. Expose your newborn to both parents getting them ready for bed, helping them fall asleep, and soothing in the middle of the night. Try not to lean too heavily on one parent or the other. (And yes, even the non-nursing parent can be helpful during night wakings).
This not only helps your child get used to different modes and ways of being soothed, but it also gives both parents equal practice at soothing so that they can build their confidence. Nothing is worse than trying to soothe a crying baby in the middle of the night when you’ve rarely had any practice.
The biggest hiccup parents face when trying to build this exposure in is that they are looking for the quick fix. So one parent may be able to soothe the child quicker than the other and that parent ends up becoming the default parent for night wakings and settling to sleep. Instead of falling into this trap, it will take some patience and perspective.
Sure, the quick fix may be to just hand the baby off to the preferred parent, but that will not create a long term solution for the whole family. Better to push through now and give your baby exposure to each parent now than to wait until the preferred parent is totally worn down and exhausted before making a change. (For more newborn sleep help, head here)
Parental preference tip #2
If your child is past the newborn stage and you’re thinking, “Great, we messed up. What now?” There’s never a bad time to begin. If one parent is doing most (or all) of the sleep duties currently, start having the other parent join in. Do the bedtime routine together. Handle the night wakings together. This gives you a chance to compare notes. It also gives your little one a chance to see that the non-preferred parent is there and can do those tasks too. (For more baby sleep help, head here)
Parental preference tip #3
Especially when you enter the toddler and preschooler age, follow through and consistency is extremely important. If your toddler is used to one parent always doing the bedtime routine, then when it’s time for the non-preferred parent to start doing it, you can bet there will be some BIG feelings.
This is okay. And perfectly normal. We want your child to be able to express their feelings. But that doesn’t mean we need to adjust our boundaries just because they don’t like them. Remember, you are the parent. And you can see and understand why the change is necessary for the whole family. We wouldn’t expect your young child to understand that. And that’s why we don’t leave those kinds of decisions up to them.
When it is the non-preferred parent’s night to do the bedtime routine, don’t let your child dictate which parent puts them down. This means when they throw a massive fit, you go to your calm place and ride out the wave of the meltdown. Our goal is not to avoid meltdowns. Our goal is to remain calm and steady in the face of meltdowns so that our children can understand our boundaries. When they understand where the boundaries are (and that they aren’t moving) they will stop testing them and start accepting them instead.
You will never get to a place where your child willingly accepts boundaries if you never follow through with them. (For more help on getting to a good sleep place with your toddler or preschooler, head here)
You can do this! Habits can be frustrating and hard to change but we humans are good at adapting when we need to. Consistency and patience are your best friends as you tackle parental preference at bedtime. Good luck! And for even more reading on this topic, check out this great post by The Pediatrician Mom, Dr. Krupa Playforth!
