Once that crib is gone and you transition to a toddler bed, it can feel impossible to keep your child in their room. Hello jack-in-the-box! In this episode, Kayla and Carianna walk through 2 options and some mental shifts you can make so that you can cut out the drama at bedtime.
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How do I keep my child in their room at bedtime?
I get this question a lot. If I had to give it a number, I would say I probably hear this question in some way, shape or form about 20x a week from parents who are struggling. It is a very common struggle. I feel like this can be an especially tricky subject so talking through it helps! It helps us to re-frame the way we think about it because a lot of times we get all bent out of shape about sleep compared to other areas of parenting. I'm not not sure why but it just happens.
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So what are your options?
#1 Silent Return
If your child leaves their room when they aren't supposed to (bedtime, middle of the night, early morning, naptime) you silently return them to their room. It's actually pretty self explanatory. Yes, so the silent return is what I would say is one of your two options. This is going to be the option. That is a lot more work up front. So basically what this means is your child leaves their room when they're not supposed to whether that's bedtime or middle of the night, early morning nap time, they leave their room and you are basically just silently returning them. So the the title is fairly self explanatory.
You're walking them back repeatedly. You're keeping it short and sweet. I would try to have an exact script that you say every time so you're not tempted to be chatty or talk a lot or get drawn into conversation with them. You want to avoid engaging anymore than is absolutely necessary. This may mean that you're walking them back 100+ times. Honestly, you may have to walk them back a lot at first, and that's why this first option is not what most parents choose. You have to be able and willing to outlast your child's testing on this one without getting frustrated or exploding.
Can you tell this isn't my favorite option? I have seen it work but it does take a very special and a very patient parent to see it through. So you have to decide if you have the patience to do this in the middle of the night. If you don't, let's talk about option #2!
#2 Create a barrier at the door:
This is the option that I personally prefer and professionally prefer. I just see way more success with this. This approach means having something at the door that keeps your child from leaving whenever they feel like it. And I know that this one sometimes this can freak parents out more. So that's why we're going to talk through it because it shouldn't freak you out.
Barrier at the door options
Door monkey which holds the door in a cracked position (I like these ones here and here)
Locking the door
Once you decide on your barrier method, then you will want to make sure that your child's room is truly child-proofed. Keep your video monitor so you can see them in there, bolt or strap the dressers to the wall (or simply remove all tall furniture for now), keep any cords out of reach, make sure there are no choking hazards in their room, etc.
Here's the re-frame if you're unsure about having a barrier at the door
If you're reading this and thinking, "Oh my gosh, I could never have a barrier at my child's door..." First of all, I want to say, if you're not comfortable with it, that's okay. You can use the silent return or simply lay with your child as they fall asleep each time. If that's what you prefer to do, go for it! You are totally in charge of deciding how you want to handle sleep.
But what I would encourage you to do if you're struggling or feeling uneasy is think of this idea of expanding the crib. When your child was in a crib for the first many months or years of their life, were you worried that they felt trapped in their crib? Probably not. I don't know many parents who have this fear of scarring their child from putting them in a crib.
So when we're switching and we're getting rid of the crib, we're really just treating the whole room like it is now their crib. And that's why we're putting the barrier at the door. We can treat the whole room like a crib. By taking a second and re-framing it this way, I think it helps us see they've always been contained in the crib, mow they're going to be contained in their room.
One of my all-time favorite sleep books, called The Happy Sleeper: The Science-Backed Guide to Helping Your Baby Get a Good Night's Sleep - Newborn to School Age, is written by two women who are mothers and psychologists. And they introduce this idea of expanding the crib. Here's how they put it:
"Many parents are not prepared for the persistence with which their little one will get up out of bed over and over. One mom told us that the first night she moved her son to a toddler bed, he got out of bed 110 times!
It helps tremendously to now imagine your child's bedroom as an expanded crib. Instead of being contained by the crib, you can now choose a gentle but clear way to contain your child in the bedroom, rather than allowing her to join you repeatedly in the living room. This is very effective in reducing her excitement at being able to get to where the action is. Keeping her in her room also keeps her in the darkness, where her brain is better able to fall asleep, and the sense of a fun game is also diminished if she can't come pitter-pattering down the hallway time after time."
Prep work before adding the barrier
I want to make it clear that I am not suggesting you randomly start locking your child in their room at night with no preamble or prep. This is a big changes and something you will want to talk about, show, role-play, etc before introducing it.
You will also be using your barrier in conjunction WITH your sleep coaching method- whatever that may be. So we aren't shutting the door and leaving until morning.
This also doesn't have to be a forever barrier. Once your child understands the boundary that is their door and understands that it's not moving no matter how much they test, you can remove the barrier.