If you’ve got a toddler or preschooler and you’re dealing with bedtime stalling, you’re not alone! It’s also important to know that this is perfectly normal behavior for your 2-5 year old. I find parents have a hard time with these main 2 things when bedtime stalling crops up: Understanding that it’s okay to say no & knowing the right way to respond to stalling.
If you can relate, this blog post is written specifically for you! I’ve even got sample scripts so you can find just the right words to lovingly hold those boundaries.
So, before we get to the scripts, let’s first help you understand that it’s okay to say no to bedtime stalling. You don’t have to be stuck in a cycle of late bedtimes and dreading the whole drawn out process.
Why bedtime stalling happens
Your toddler is good at testing boundaries. And they should be! Boundary testing is an important part of their learning and development! So it’s natural that what once was a calming routine is now filled with requests and stalling. That’s their job!
They will keep pushing and pushing until they understand exactly where that limit is. And they can’t know where the limit is if we, as parents, don’t show them. In this article by parenting expert, Janet Lansbury, she explains that they can get stuck in testing mode if we aren’t making our limits clear.
Why it’s important to hold clear bedtime boundaries
We give a little here, we give a little there, and before we know it, our toddler is testing every single limit that we have around sleep. In the end we feel like we are constantly fighting them so we just give up and find ourselves in a sleep situation that we never wanted to be in.
But as parents, our job is to hold the important boundaries firm so that your child can figure out what you expect of them. These consistent boundaries allow your child to get out of testing mode and start accepting.
What to say to respond to bedtime stalling and requests
If you notice specific requests or issues that come up regularly, then you should be addressing them, talking about them, and prepping your child BEFORE bedtime.
Bedtime is not the time to be having lengthy conversations. It's a time to validate, be clear, and remain consistent. And that's where these scripts below can come in handy!
(Now I know that having scripts aren't the end all be all of parenting BUT it is helpful to have some responses in mind. Otherwise we can get caught off guard and end up with a bedtime routine that goes on and on and on...)
"I don't want to go to bed!"
"You're upset you have to stop playing. The clock says it's bedtime and we can play more tomorrow!"
With this example you are validating their feelings. We want them to know it’s okay for them to be upset and have feelings, right? But then we can still hold the boundary instead of trying to stifle any unpleasant feelings before they happen.
*Stalling in general during the routine*
"Do you want to walk into your room or do you want me to carry you?"
Offering choices when it makes sense can go a long way! Offer 2 pajama choices and let them choose. Offer 2 book choices and let them choose. The key with offering choices is to keep it small and manageable so they aren’t overwhelmed with control. If they don’t want to choose, or they stall with choosing, then you let them know you’re going to choose for them this time and they can try again tomorrow night.
"Don’t leave. I'm scared"
"It's okay to be scared. You are safe and Mom is right in the living room."
It’s perfectly normal and natural to have fears. But we want to help our children face their fears and build confidence in themselves to handle hard situations. Bedtime is such a safe and predictable opportunity for them to do just that. Validate their feelings, reassure them you are close by, and then give them the opportunity to work through it.
“Can I have another drink of water?”
“We already got our last drink before bed. You can have more water in the morning.”
Or maybe you choose to give them a water bottle in their room/crib for them to drink from. But once it’s gone, it’s gone until morning!
“Just one more book!”
“We already read our 2 stories for the night. We can read more tomorrow!”
Ahh, the “just one more book” line. It can be so hard to say no because we know how good reading is for our kids. But it’s important to have a set number of books that you read each night. Don’t waver on that number if you’re having bedtime stalling issues. This simply confuses your child and makes them think they can keep asking for more books. The first few times you tell them no, they will likely be upset, but they’ll figure it out with consistency and it won’t feel as upsetting to them.
"Will you tuck me in again?"
"We do one tuck at bedtime. After that you're in charge of your bed and how you like it."
Calmly let your child know that they only get 1 tuck in. Be sure to practice putting the covers on themselves during the day as well! If they really are too young to replace blankets then you might consider putting them in a wearable blanket for toddlers and skipping the blankets for now. Check out the Flying Squirrel here and the Halo Walker here.
I hope these scripts give you some clarity. The purpose of these scripts is to respond confidently and then continue to move along with your next step. Remember, it is loving to hold boundaries. In fact, consistent boundaries allow children to feel safe and it decreases anxiety.