It seems like so many different factors in your child’s life can cause sleep disruptions. My goal with this blog is to educate you on how to handle nightmares and night fears so that you and your child feel prepared and empowered to take them on!

Let’s start with talking about night fears and how to work through them.

Why is my child suddenly afraid of the dark?

We typically see night fears emerge for the first time around 2-3 years of age and this is often associated with your child’s budding imagination. 

Part of the trickiness with this age is that your child is also learning that their words and actions have specific reactions and this age is constantly testing boundaries. As a parent, it can sometimes be hard to tell if your child is actually scared or if they have just discovered a good stalling technique!

Try not to suggest or ask if they are scared of the dark. Sometimes we can give them the idea to be afraid when, in reality, they are just upset about play time ending and sleep time starting. 

How can I help my child who is afraid of the dark?

We always want to address these fears when they crop up. Below are my suggestions for how to respond:

1. Figure out if there is anything scary they are seeing on screens or reading in a book. Maybe a specific scene (that isn't even that scary) is freaking them out.

2. When possible, avoid talking at length about the fears at bedtime. Instead be proactive and talk about it during the day beforehand.

3. Ask your child what they are afraid of. Talk them through it. Allow them to experience and share their feelings.

4. Reassure them, but watch the words you use. For example, if you say, "Mom and Dad are keeping you safe," that implies that there is something you are keeping them safe FROM. Instead, aim to say things like, "You are safe. Everyone in the house is safe."

5. Take care not to dismiss their fears. Instead, try to talk at their level. Has your child expressed a fear of bears? Talk about the bear from one of their favorite cartoons. Or remind them of the time you saw a bear at the zoo. Remind them that they only see bears in those places, not their rooms.

If your child is old enough and it’s appropriate, you can even help them turn it into a silly image. “Wouldn’t it be silly if a bear tried to come to our house? He wouldn’t fit through the door!” 

6. Always comfort and talk to your child if they are afraid but then leave the room while they are still awake. Understand that the best way for them to start feeling safe is to experience sleeping alone so they can see for themselves that they ARE safe.

If our solution is always to bring them into bed or sleep on their floor, we are taking away their opportunity to experience that safety on their own.

Should I use Monster Spray or similar tactics?

I like to avoid using Monster Spray or encouraging parents to check in the closets and under the bed. This reinforces the idea that they have something to be afraid of. 

Instead try teaching them about dreamscapes:

Talk them through creating a fun world in their head. Maybe that’s a Thomas the Train world or a Frozen world. Encourage them to close their eyes and imagine that their room is this world and tell them to think about what they might see. 

There’s lots we can do to help our children cope with night fears. Nightmares are a bit trickier so let’s dig into those next!

What IS a nightmare?

A nightmare is a disturbing dream that occurs during REM sleep. These dreams tend to happen in the early morning hours and are very vivid. During a nightmare your child will be still as their muscles are “turned off” during REM sleep to prevent the acting out of those dreams.

What causes nightmares?

Nightmares are a normal developmental occurrence and aren’t necessarily something to be concerned about unless they are happening quite frequently, more than 2x a week. But to help your child avoid excessive nightmares, there’s a couple things you can do:

⇒Take a hard look at what they are viewing in books and on screens. Anything potentially frightening or stressful?

⇒Assess their daily stress level and discern if anything could be causing undue stress

⇒Make sure they are getting adequate sleep and not becoming overtired as that can be another stressor as well.

Obviously, some life changes and stressors will be unavoidable (like moving or bringing home a new sibling) but it is helpful to know that an increase in nightmares during these life changes is normal and will pass.

How soon can nightmares start?

As mentioned above, your child’s budding imagination can lead to more nighttime fears and also the occurrence of nightmares. Usually we see kids having nightmares around 2-3 years of age.

Of course, before this age, it’s hard to know for sure because our little ones can’t communicate nightmares to us.

But it is important to know that sleep cries (waking and crying out briefly or even crying out while still asleep) are a normal occurrence for babies. As is twitching that can happen in lighter stages of sleep. These don’t necessarily signal nightmares.

If your child is helped to sleep and then placed down alone, they will almost certainly wake up and cry or scream when they realize they are in a different place than they originally fell asleep in. This doesn’t mean they are having nightmares every night, this means they would benefit from learning the skill of independent sleep.

What’s the best way to handle nightmares?

1. When your child has a nightmare it is ALWAYS okay to go in and comfort them. Go in, give them some love and snuggles. Reassure them that it was just a dream and that it’s over now. If they want to tell you what happened, let them. 

2. Once you’ve taken your time and helped them calm down, my next recommendation is to leave the room before they fall back asleep. This is just a suggestion and I would encourage you to use your judgement.

Leaving the room and letting them fall asleep on their own may be best if you have a child who is constantly pushing boundaries around sleep or if you know that by staying with them now you’ll have several nights of re-breaking this habit in the future.

3. The next day, talk to them about their nightmares. Even with a child who isn’t very verbal, you can still talk to them. Kids pick up on a lot so try not to be anxious or too serious about the event.

Explain that nightmares are just bad dreams and encourage them to think of specific things that would be nice to dream about instead. Go over these nice dreams that night once they are tucked in and before you leave so that they can focus their attention on good things instead of worrying about potential nightmares.

4. Also, talk about some bad dream strategies during the day and at bedtime. These will help to empower your child by making them feel in control of their nightmares.

⇒Teach them how to create a fun, imaginary world in their head.

⇒Encourage them to “change the channel” in their brain by flipping over or turning their pillow over.

⇒Tell them to snuggle and comfort their favorite stuffed animal or doll after a bad dream.

These strategies give them something concrete they can do and help put some control and confidence back into them so that they don’t feel helpless.

And what about night terrors?

Night terrors typically happen during the first half of the night when we have our deepest sleep. Night terrors are kind of like nightmares but they take place during deeper stages of sleep. While dreams and nightmares typically take place while in REM sleep when our bodies are paralyzed, night terrors happen during non-REM sleep and therefore our bodies can move around freely.

During a night terror your child may thrash, cry, scream, act upset or scared and also be out of it. They won’t be awake or aware of what’s happening and you won’t be able to wake them. Children usually return to normal sleep after these episodes and rarely remember them.

What causes night terrors?

Night terrors can be brought on by being overtired so if your child starts having them, you should assess their schedule and make sure they are getting plenty of sleep. Stress can also bring on night terrors. 

What’s the best way to handle a night terror?

If your child is experiencing a night terror, you can go to them but avoid trying to comfort them or wake them. Simply sit and make sure they don’t hurt themselves. They should drift right off into a calm sleep when the terror is over and then they won’t remember it in the morning.

Trust me when I say, night terrors are really only disturbing for the parents. The child will not even know it’s happening if it’s a true night terror.

Good luck tackling those nightmares and night fears! It’s all about talking things through and giving your child tools to be empowered when these issues crop up. And be sure to take a listen to episode 13 of the Sleep Talking Moms podcast for more help on night time fears!