Recently, I had a call with a mom and she expressed to me that if we worked together, her husband wouldn't be available to help with night wakings because he had to go to work during the day and she didn't- she just stayed home with the kids. Plus she had been handling all the night wakings to this point because she exclusively breastfed so there was nothing her husband could do anyways. 

This mom was also *drowning* in sleeplessness and desperately in need of help. She spent much of the conversation on the verge of tears because of her sleep deprivation and how much she felt she was failing as a new mother.

I wish I could say that this was a first for me but unfortunately I talk to moms who feel this exhausted and frustrated and without help all the time. 

I want to share my tips for how your non-nursing partner can help with night wakings but first, I think we need to talk about the fact that this goes way beyond breastfeeding. Even among families who use formula, there is an overwhelming number of stay at homes who “just” stay home with the kids so they become the default night parent.

Furthermore, there are plenty of working moms who also find themselves in the position of being the default nighttime parent simply because they are women.

So yeah. I have a little soapbox I need to get on for a quick moment, and then we will proceed with the tips below:

First off, let me lead with this (so I'm not misunderstood and so I don't come across as judgmental) ⤵️

👉If you and your partner have communicated and decided on a night solution that works for both parties, then it's not a problem if one parent is in charge of most night wakings.

*Full disclosure, when my second son was a newborn, I was in charge of night wakings and my husband slept in another room for a bit.*

But here's why it worked:
✨I wasn't drowning in sleeplessness. Was I tired, yes. Was I at the end of my rope at that time? Not even close.
✨ We talked about it. If I had not been comfortable with that set up, I would have objected and we would have come up with a different plan.
✨ It wasn't assumed that just because I was a stay at home, I should be the one in charge of night wakings. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

Stay at home moms, I need you to hear this: Staying home with the kids and keeping them alive and thriving is a FULL👏TIME👏JOB. Your partner working out of the house all day is not an excuse, in and of itself, to leave the nighttime parenting all on your shoulders! Full. Stop.

Working moms, I need you to hear this: Being on shift all day AND all night does not have to be your default! Your partner can help with nights too. I don’t care if they have to be up early for work or if they stay up too late working. They can handle night wakings too.

We cannot be afraid to open communication with our significant others and get help. Parenting doesn’t have to be a perfect 50/50 split but roles DO need to be discussed and understood and compromised and appreciated.

Maybe they don't know how much you're drowning. Maybe experiencing a night or two of what you're going through would incentivize them to help you form a plan for better sleep. 🤷‍♀️ But let's stop taking it upon ourselves to be the martyrs without asking (or demanding if it comes to that) help from our partners.

👉Also, I'll throw this in because it's a thought in my head as well... I am breaking generational cycles that have been passed down. Where the women are expected to do all the parenting and the men are expected to bring home a paycheck. I am *SO* happy that my boys will grow up seeing that their Dad is just as much their caregiver as I am. 💗

Anyways! Onto the tips for ways non-nursing partners can help you with night wakings…

Being a nursing mother does not have to mean you’re handling all the night wakes without help.

Tip #1 Split shifts at night

Typically babies can go their longest stretches of sleep in the first half of the night. So have the non-nursing partner take the first shift and handle any wakings. Then the nursing mom can be on shift for the second half of the night. You can even split things up more and have the non-nursing partner back on shift in the early am when baby might just need to be held/rocked to sleep an extra hour or so and let the nursing mom sleep in.

Tip #2 Split night waking duties

When baby wakes for a feed, the nursing mom can go tend to baby and feed it. Then, if the baby struggles to go back down right away, the non-nursing parent can tap in at that point and stay up until baby is asleep. This can really help the nursing mom cut down on her awake time during the night, especially if your child has trouble going back to sleep after feedings.

Tip #3 Opposite night waking duty split

When baby wakes for a feed, the non-nursing parent can go get the baby, change diaper if necessary, and bring the baby to mom. This will give mom a chance to set up for the feeding or spend a few extra precious minutes resting before breastfeeding.

Tip #4 Non-feeding wakings handled by non-nursing partner

Some babies will wake often at night, but it’s more of a habit/lack of independent sleep skill issue than a hunger issue. In these wakings, where the baby doesn’t nutritionally need a feed, the non-nursing parent can handle 100% of these. The nursing mom really only needs to be involved when the waking is out of hunger. Pro-tip: start this from a young age! It’s not unusual for babies to develop preferences to nurse/pacify back to sleep but if the non-nursing partner is handling half the wakings, it really helps to avoid this. Babies who are used to only being settled by mom and nursing, will struggle to accept comfort from the other parent. This is something you have to work at so mom doesn’t become a human pacifier.

Tip #5 When other children are involved...

The non-nursing parent can be in charge of any other children who are regularly waking or randomly waking at night. Depending on how you decide to split up duties, the non-nursing parent may also be in charge of bedtime for other children and handling early morning wakings as well. Like the last tip, this isn’t something that will come easily or naturally if you haven’t implemented it from day 1. But I promise you, it is worth it! Your kids deserve to see that both parents can tend to them and care for them and love them. And the nursing mom deserves to have a partner that is willing to put in the effort and help her!

Moms, if you're struggling with your own sleep, check out this podcast episode I recorded last year. Episode 27. Ten sleep tips for moms.