I would be rich if I had a dollar for every time I heard this statement, “We’ve tried everything but nothing works. Our baby/toddler/child just won’t sleep!”
Not only do I hear this a lot, I go on to work with many of these families and we are able to successfully get their child sleeping better! So I thought I would share what might be happening if you find yourself uttering the statement above.
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I like to think of sleep as a giant puzzle.
In order to make positive sleep changes, we need to have ALL the puzzle pieces put together at the same time. You may have tried white noise, dark room, correct room temperature, calming bedtime routine, age-appropriate nap schedule, laying down awake and applying a sleep coaching method, BUT have you tried all of these pieces at the same time? If not, that is likely part of your problem.
For instance, white noise is awesome! It absolutely helps babies (and adults!) sleep better. But, white noise alone will not suddenly make your baby a great sleeper if they are missing other pieces of the puzzle. It just doesn’t work that way. (Take 20% off my favorite white noise machines with code: allthesleeps20)
The most important piece of the sleep puzzle that you are probably missing, especially if you’ve tried “everything,” is CONSISTENCY. I cannot express to you, in words, how important consistency is when we are trying to change your child’s sleep habits, but I’m going to try anyways!
Have you heard of the term Intermittent Reinforcement? It might ring a bell from your days of high school psychology. In simple terms, intermittent reinforcement is when we give different responses to the same behavior.
If you remember back to psych 101, we learned about rats in little boxes and there was a little lever in the box. Every time the rat pressed the lever, they got food! That is consistent reinforcement.
Now, intermittent reinforcement means that sometimes they pressed the lever and got food. Sometimes they pressed the lever and didn't get food. FYI: This is NOT a good way to change a behavior if that's what we want to do. The rats learned that sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't. So guess what they did? They just kept pressing the lever!
But how does this relate to sleep?
Think of it this way: Your child is the rat, the behavior of pressing the lever is them protesting or crying, and the food pellet is you going in and helping them to sleep or giving in to that extra request <- for all you toddler mamas!
When we decide to make sleep changes and we
•Halfheartedly do it
•Don’t have a clear plan
•Aren’t 100% committed
•Aren't on the same page as our partner,
We set ourselves up to intermittently reinforce our children's behavior. This drags out the process, making it more complicated and confusing for them!
And spoiler alert! More confusion leads to more frustration which leads to more tears. And I know you don’t want more tears than necessary for your child.
This actually applies to all aspects of parenting too, not just sleep.
Say you have a child in the candy aisle and they always get a piece of candy. One day mom decides no more candy and so she says “No.” *Cue epic meltdown* But Mom sticks to her guns and doesn’t get candy for the child.
The next time, Mom says “No” again and the child throws a huge tantrum and whines and begs (because they don't like the change, which is totally normal) and so Mom gives in and gets the child candy.
By not being consistent in her response, she is intermittently reinforcing the child’s behavior. This makes it harder on both of them to get rid of this behavior.
When I hear parents say, “We’ve tried everything,” my first thought is, they may have tried everything but have they tried ANYTHING consistently? Or are they just hopping around from method to method, tip to tip, etc.
Maybe you've been here before. You attempted sleep training for 1 night, it was rough but you got through it. Then the second night came and you just couldn't follow through with it and you ended up giving in and nursing or rocking to sleep instead.
That is intermittent reinforcement and that is the reason why what you are trying isn’t working.
In conclusion, I want to say, if you’re guilty of not having all the puzzle pieces together or of using intermittent reinforcement, it’s not that nothing works, it’s that your approach needs some tweaking.
If you are in need of a clear plan, an accountability partner, guidance, troubleshooting, & confidence to stick it out, I am your girl! Working with families and helping them through this process is my jam!
Apply to work with me and see if we’d be a good fit!